I’m not sure how many Tottenham Hotspur fans went into Sunday’s match at the Hill Dickinson stadium — still with the “new stadium smell” — with much confidence. I certainly didn’t have much. Everton were undefeated at their new ground and have been playing pretty decent under David Moyes this season, and Jack Grealish has been something of a revelation for them.
So while the football yesterday made me want to rinse my eyes out with bleach at times, I’m certainly not going to quibble with a 3-0 shutout win, even if Spurs had a 2-0 halftime lead with zero open play shots. And even if you accept the “bad football/good win” framing, there were undoubtedly some good performances in there. That’s why you’re here, right?
Anyway, it’s almost Halloween, so how about a scary season theme? Well, here you go. Here are your Tottenham Hotspur player ratings to the theme of spooky football player positions, crowdsourced by the Spurs writer’s room and Bluesky.
Micky van de Ven (Community — 5.0): If you’re a central defender and you score a brace in a football match, you get five stars. It really is just that simple.
Guglielmo Vicario (Community — 4.5): Holy CRAP, Vic! Some incredible reaction saves in this one including a one-handed stop on a Beto overhead kick he made while he was in the process of falling on his ass. A little wonky on corners, but otherwise solid as a rock.
Kevin Danso (Community — 4.0): I’m starting to come around to the conclusion that we are incredibly fortunate to have a third CB as good as Kevin Danso. Not flashy but solid at the back, rarely let anyone past him, and an aerial presence. Spurs’ best third CB since prime Eric Dier?
Pedro Porro (Community — 4.0): Put that wand of a leg to good use with a pinpoint delivery for Micky’s second goal. Good on both sides of the ball with several key blocks and kept Jack Grealish quiet all night — there’s a new warden in the Djed Spence Penitentiary.
Pape Sarr (Community — 4.0): Sarr Man was certainly magic on the ball on Sunday, popping up at the right time to tap home Spurs’ third goal. He’s had kind of a rough go of it lately, so it’s nice to see him doing good things in a Frank midfield that I don’t think really suits his skills.
Thomas Frank (Community — 4.0): Spurs won so he gets a good rating. That’s how this works, right?
Joao Palhinha (Community — 4.0): This was actually the kind of match Palhinha was lab-grown for: gutsy, gritty, ugly, and wet. Really locked down well defensively but had a couple of hospital ball passes — he’s never beating the allegations.
Rodrigo Bentancur (Community — 4.0): Assisted Micky’s first goal and relished the chaosball-destroyer role in this one. Still, was positionally wayward at times and I still think he needs some hypnotherapy to get his pre-injury passing range back.
Mohammed Kudus (Community — 3.5): Yes, I checked the spelling. Direct, dribbly, and dangerous, even if Spurs barely generated any actual chances until late in the match. Frustrated at times with his final ball, but that’s a) normal and b) probably credit to Everton’s defense.
Djed Spence (Community — 3.5): As I said in the match thread, there were a few security lapses in the Spence Penitentiary early on against Ndiaye, who to be fair is a lot to handle. That said, if you’re going to exude lock-down cornerback energy on social media you’re gonna have to bring it in every match.
Brennan Johnson (Community — 3.0): Probably one of BJ’s better games in what feels like forever, though ironically I think he was put in the match mostly to defend Grealish. And he did that.
Randal Kolo Muani (Community — 3.0): Finally, a chance to really evaluate RKM via extended minutes! The answer: not bad. More active on the ball than Richarlison, has better vision right now than Tel. I’d like my strikers to actually, y’know, shoot, but he offers different things to our other strikers at the moment. Let’s see more.
Lucas Bergvall (Community — 3.5): He ran around, did stuff, and didn’t screw anything up. My #analysis is that he was fine.
Richarlison (Community — 3.5): A little better than in recent matches. Thumped a rocket shot point blank that was saved and held the ball up decently. I still wonder if he’s carrying a minor injury.
Xavi Simons (Community — 3.0): He’s not clicking yet. He’s also not receiving much of the ball. It’ll come. Patience, grasshopper.
No Tottenham Hotspur players were as bad as this pun. Seriously.
Vlad the Lad Memorial Non-Rating