Well, we knew the hot start would end eventually. Tottenham Hotspur dropped their first match of the season, falling at home to Bournemouth 0-1 thanks to an early goal by Brazilian striker Evanilson. Interestingly, the result from Spurs fans has mostly been a collective shrug of the shoulders — that could possibly be due to the fact that Bournemouth just outplayed Spurs so comprehensively that Spurs supporters are reduced to saying “Well, watchugonnado?”
And it’s true — Bournemouth played a nearly flawless match, while Spurs were not set up properly and failed to even launch. Tottenham didn’t register a shot on target until the 59th minute and t was only in the last 10 minutes or so that Spurs looked remotely threatening. Ah well.
Today’s theme is a little personal. Most of you know I’m a whiskey guy, and many of you now know that I’m currently in a multi-month period of “involuntary sobriety.” I also recognize that alcohol is a gigantic carcinogen, and as a cancer survivor I’m really starting to focus on what I need to do to prevent my cancer from coming back. Because of that, I’m planning to cut back on my alcohol consumption significantly. I still have some of my “cancer bottles” from this community and I figure this will help me to enjoy them more when I do choose to have an occasional tipple
What I have done is start exploring non-alcoholic beers. A decade ago, there weren’t many options if you wanted one — pretty much O’Douls, which is terrible, or one of the equally vile macrobrew zero-alcohol options. But with Gen Z and Millennials choosing to drink less there’s been an explosion of NA beer options in the past few years, and some of them are very good! I’ve been experimenting, and thought this would make a good theme.
Like with regular beer, there are no doubt tons of small or regional breweries that offer very good NA beers, but I’m going with ones that are available in my area and which I have personally tried, so sorry if your favorite southeastern Oregon NA IPA isn’t on the list or whatever. Maybe send me a can?
Here are your Tottenham Hotspur player ratings to the theme of non-alcoholic beers.
This isn’t the first NA beer I’ve had, but it’s undoubtedly my favorite. This is just bursting with mango and stone fruit notes, is pleasantly hoppy, and dang tasty. It’s not a “lawn mower” beer but it’s very enjoyable when served ice cold in a glass. Alternate option: Golden Road Non Alc Mango Cart, which has similar flavor profiles.
No Tottenham players in this category.
If you don’t want your NA beer bursting with fruit flavors, this is the one for you. Honestly, this is just a really tasty, well-executed IPA. If you’re used to beer with alcohol you might miss some of the mouthfeel but otherwise it’s a damn good can. Best Day I think makes the most consistently excellent NA beers across all of their offerings. Alternate option: Best Day Kölsch, Best Day Electro Lime Mexican Lager.
Guglielmo Vicario (Community — 4.5): Vic saved Tottenham’s bacon on the day, with some pretty spectacular saves. Without him Spurs probably lose this match by three or four goals. But it wasn’t a perfect match for Vic as he had some difficulty playing out of the back and with his positioning.
If you only know a little about NA beers, you’ve probably at least seen Athletic. It’s probably the most ubiquitous NA beer line and for good reason — they’re just solid options. Run Wild is, I think, their best non-limited offering — hoppy, tasty, crushable. This is the “lawnmower beer” you were looking for. Alternate: Good Time Brewing NA IPA.
Mickian van de Vomero (Community — Romero 3.0; VDV 3.0): (This is a work in progress, ok? Not everything works as well as Janby Alderweirtonghen.) Spurs’ defense had some issues, but they were on the flanks, not in central defense. Both Romero and Van de Ven found themselves drawn wide to cover for their fullbacks which left space central for Bournemouth to exploit. But despite that, and despite B’mouth having 20 shots, the only goal scored was a deflected early shot. Thought both central defenders played pretty well on the day.
Lucas Bergvall (Community — 3.5): Honestly, he should’ve started. He subbed in so late he didn’t have much of a chance to really affect the match, but Tottenham’s midfield progression improved pretty dramatically the moment he came on. My guess is he’ll see more minutes once Spurs are playing two matches a week.
Beer Knowers™ I interact with say they like Guinness Zero because it tastes almost identical to real Guinness, at least the ones in the draft cans. I’ve tried it and can confirm — the mouthfeel might be a little thinner, but it does taste remarkably like Guinness. Maybe I just don’t like Guinness? I think this is just fine, not great, not poor. Alternate: Big Drop Brewing Galactic Extra Stout.
Djed Spence (Community — 3.0): Considering how badly Antoine Semenyo was terrorizing Pedro Porro, I wanted to see Djed shifted to the other flank for defensive reasons. We got that, just too late. Djed wasn’t perfect — he let Evanilson get past him for the goal — but he did set up Tel for a late chance and wasn’t awful.
Destiny Udogie (Community — 3.0): Welcome back, king. Showed glimpses of his ability in his return from injury, but I didn’t expect much out of him and wasn’t disappointed. He was fine.
Mathys Tel (Community — 3.0): Not convinced he should get a rating, but he had a couple of looks in his brief cameo and comported himself well.
Thomas Frank (Community — 2.0): Got the tactical setup wrong in this one, though his players also failed to execute. Notably, all of his substitutions were good and correct, but they all came too late to have a significant impact. The addition of Xavi Simons will give him more options against an organized defense.
Look, when you come right down to it, a lot of the non-alcoholic macrobrews like Corona, Bud, etc. taste like beer-flavored water, even worse than their boozy brothers. So why bother? If you’re going to drink bad NA beer, just have a hopwater, like Daypack. It’s basically flavored seltzer but with a hoppy bitterness. Daypack does this well, as does HOP WTR. It doesn’t taste like beer, but it certainly tastes better than bad near-beer.
Pape Sarr (Community — 2.5): Covered every blade of grass again today but had very little influence on the match. Struggled against a very well organized Bournemouth team; this was not a good tactical fit for his skills.
Rodrigo Bentancur (Community — 2.0): Had a couple of hospital ball passes and shouldn’t be judged too harshly for not providing creativity, since, well, he’s not creative. A stable presence when moved to the six in the second half. Decent but not great.
Mohammed Kudus (Community — 2.5): Weirdly ineffective, though Bournemouth did a good job of keying in on him. Had very little outlets and lost the ball frequently, but was also the victim of a ton of fouls that the match official decided not to call.
Wilson Odobert (Community — 3.0): Had a couple of bright moments as a late sub but didn’t have much of an impact.
With apologies to those who like this beer, it was the first NA beer I ever had and had it not been for my determination to try and find one that I liked, it might have been my last. Clausthaler was at the front of the NA wave and I understand it was a vast improvement over the early NAs in the marketplace. That said, I get a chemically, wet-cardboard aftertaste with this, and while taste is subjective, there’s plenty out there that’s better. Alternate: Budweiser Zero (don’t drink this either)
Pedro Porro (Community — 2.0): Look, Antoine Semenyo would give most Premier League fullbacks a terrible time, he’s that good. But boy oh boy did Pedro struggle in this match. It got ugly, and Frank should’ve done something about it earlier through tactics and substitutions. A couple of decent, if hopeful, crosses but this was not a good match.
Palhinha (Community — 2.0): Considering Palhinha’s job is to cut out attacks and make simple passes, it’s a little shocking that he was as bad at his job on Saturday as he was. Had minimal impact and most of the time Bournemouth just glided right past him.
Brennan Johnson (Community — 1.5): LOL. LMAO.
Richarlison (Community — 2.0): Whoof. Richy. Buddy. Pal. Probably one of the worst matches I’ve seen from him in a Spurs shirt. His hold-up play was practically non-existent, he was pretty awful on the ball, and he looked confused and out of sorts the entire match. We know he’s better than this.
I feel a little bad writing this… but not THAT bad. Back in day, if you were at a bar and wanted a non-alcoholic beer your choices were O’Douls, and seltzer water. We’ve come a long way since then, but O’Douls remains despite the brewing technology having improved to the point where even Clausthauler above is miles better than this stuff. I tip my hat to O’Douls for being a pioneer, and will gently decline your offer for a can.
No Tottenham players were as bad as O’Douls.