Wolves are a sorry sight at the moment. A squad denuded by the summer transfer window and which received nothing like the care and attention required to restore it to what it had previously been.
The result is that a team that less than six months ago was celebrating a run of six straight Premier League wins is now trapped in a miserable run of nine league games without a win, with five of those games being this season and all of them ending in defeat.
Even West Ham have managed to win one game, guys.
But worry no longer, for all is not lost. This weekend Wolves have shrewdly scheduled an appointment with Dr Tottenham, who might not be quite as silly this season as they were last but have a long and proud history of helping out clubs just like Wolves – and sometimes even in fact actual Wolves – in times of crisis such as this.
Everything is going to be okay. And if you don’t believe us, come with us on a long, long, long journey through the good doctor’s bulging casebook.
Dr Tottenham 1-2 Leicester (2024/25)
An immediate and relevant reminder that the doctor doesn’t just do house calls. Unlike actual doctors these days, you can sometimes get an appointment at their own surgery. You don’t have to deal with receptionists whose mission in life is to guard the appointments with ferocity matched only by the way bus drivers protect a five-pound note, but you do have to rely a bit on the quirks of the fixture computer. It’s still a better system than the one we have in the real world anyway.
There’s a second point here, though. Sometimes Dr Tottenham can be just so selfless, so determined to help, that they fail to recognise a lost cause.
So to the visit of Leicester to the Tottenham Hotspur Surgery in January this year. The Foxes came to Spurs having lost their last seven straight Premier League games to slump well below the survival line, scoring just twice in six weeks of woe.
They would match that total in six giddy minutes at the start of the second half to wipe out Richarlison’s first-half opener, before gamely holding on to take all three points back to Leicester. The equaliser was scored by Jamie Vardy, because of course the equaliser was scored by Jamie Vardy; the combination of Red Bull and facing Tottenham is simply unstoppable.
Alas, though, the doctor’s efforts on this occasion would prove entirely in vain, with Leicester going on to lose all of their next eight games in the league. The consolation is that it does make for a very funny list of results to look at. Some comfort there, at least, in these troubled times.
Dr Tottenham 1-2 Ipswich (2024/25)
In fairness to Ipswich, they had not appeared entirely without a chance on their long-overdue return to the Premier League. Opening defeats to Liverpool and Man City were cheerfully and correctly ignored, chalked up to the fact it was Liverpool and Man City, and when those losses were followed by four straight draws this looked like a team that could at least make a nuisance of themselves in the big league.
But they took only one further point from their next four games – and that against fellow promoted side Leicester – to sit winless and unsure of themselves with five draws and five defeats from their first 10 games.
Then off they went to Spurs, away they came with all the points after two first-half goals. Worth noting here that this game also came just before an international break, meaning it really was a heady cocktail as far as Tottenham banter scenarios are concerned. We’ve said it before and we’ll say it again: the last time Spurs didn’t lose the last game before an international break was in a scrappy and stressful 1-0 win at Luton two years ago, and Luton have been relegated twice since then.
Crystal Palace 1-0 Dr Tottenham (2024/25)
Might we humbly suggest this constitutes the Doctor’s finest hour? Crystal Palace had ended the 2023/24 season in stunning form, yet had contrived to emerge winless from their first eight games of the 2024/25 league season to leave some doubts and whispers around the long-term viability of Oliver Glasner’s project.
Yet to the rescue would ride Spurs to save the day. Palace would get that elusive first win, courtesy of a goal created by a moment of impish genius from Eberechi Eze which already had plenty of heft at the time after Spurs had pursued him that summer but is now positively creaking under the sheer weight of its foreshadowing.
A season that had started so badly for Palace was utterly transformed. They would go on to have their best ever league season despite pretty much sacking off very nearly the first quarter of it. Having taken just three points from their first eight games, the Spurs win would kickstart a run of 40 points from their next 21, before the season ended with the club winning its first ever piece of major silverware by beating Manchester City to lift the FA Cup at Wembley.
Wolves 1-0 Dr Tottenham (2022/23)
Spurs had won four of their last five – including wins over Manchester City and Chelsea – before visiting sickly Wolves. They were without a win in their previous four games but the remedy was at hand thanks to the rejuvenating effects of the good doctor.
Wolves had no shots in the first half and Spurs hit the post through Pedro Porro. Son Heung-min hit the bar after the break as Spurs continued to dominate.
But Wolves boss Julen Lopetegui sensed the Doctor making a visit and knew just how to help it along: bring on a couple of players previously linked with Spurs to change the game. On came Adama Traore and Joao Moutinho, with the former crashing home the winner late on.
In many ways the archetypal visit from the selfless Good Doctor. A player linked with Spurs scoring the winner in a result that can be described as ‘easing relegation fears’ for the grateful patient while ‘dealing a blow to Spurs’ hopes of a top-four finish’.
Leeds 3-1 Dr Tottenham (2020/21)
A slightly different game, this one, but a good example of how wide-ranging the Doctor’s effects can be. Spurs were in the middle of a run of four wins in six Premier League games having rid themselves of a disease thanks to successful Mourinhoectomy surgery but were still not above helping others. That’s just the kind of great guys they are.
Leeds had enjoyed a fine return to the Premier League but were starting to feel the effects of their endeavours. They were under the weather, their free-scoring touch having abandoned them in a run of three games without a win and only a single goal scored.
They managed double that in the first half alone on their way to a 3-1 win that had such a reinvigorating effect they would go on to win their three remaining games of the season 4-0, 2-0 and 3-1. Thanks, Doc!
Dr Tottenham 0-1 Newcastle (2019/20)
Steve Bruce’s Newcastle had started the 2019/20 season with a pair of defeats, the second of which – a 3-1 beating at Norwich – had prompted widespread concern. Spurs, meanwhile had beaten Aston Villa and snaffled one of those improbable draws against Man City at the Etihad of which they remain so rightly fond – before generously handing all three points to a side whose need was so clearly greater.
Sheffield United 3-1 Dr Tottenham (2019/20)
Similar case notes as the Leeds game here, with a visit from Spurs the ideal prescription for a side just starting to feel the pace after a successful but tiring return to the top flight. For the Blades it had been three games without a goal at all before a nice, comfy 3-1 win at Bramall Lane set them on a run of 10 points from four games that would include a 3-0 win over Chelsea.
As with Leeds, alas, the doctor could do only so much for a patient whose underlying conditions proved too much the following year.
West Brom 1-0 Dr Tottenham (2017/18)
Not even the Doctor could save West Brom in 2017/18, but nobody could have done more to try and save such a sickly patient. They allowed the Baggies at point at Wembley early in the season, but gave them all three at the Hawthorns in May.
Spurs were then on a run of two league defeats in 21 games, and both of those defeats had come against Man City. West Brom had won three Premier League games since August, when they had wildly started the season with a pair of wins.
West Brom not only won the game, of course, but ticked another couple of solid Dr Tottenham boxes along the way. The winning goal came in the 92nd minute and was scored by former Spurs player Jake Livermore to keep the Baggies’ survival hopes alive into the final weekend. Alas, they couldn’t have another game against Spurs to finish their campaign. That wouldn’t work.
