When I was but a wee future Tottenham blogger growing up in northern Indiana, on special days when the weather got hot my parents would take my brother and I a couple of blocks down the road to Ray’s Ice Cream Parlor for a cone or a dish. It was always a special occasion, and while I didn’t appreciate it at the time, the opportunity to frequent a truly local ice cream establishment so close to my house was really special.
I also didn’t appreciate at the time the fact that there are so many regional differences in ice cream flavors depending on where you are in the country. You tend not to do that when you’re seven. That didn’t really hit home for me until I was dating my now-spouse, who is from California, and both of us were like “You mean you’ve never tried [flavor]? What’s wrong with you?”
So this week I did a dive into ice cream flavors that are unique to the Midwestern region of the United States. There are some really interesting ones! This is a theme that, once again, will almost certainly alienate our European readership, but that’s okay, they can all comment on the actual ratings this time and leave the ice cream discussion to the rest of us.
Here are your Tottenham Hotspur player ratings to the theme of uniquely Midwestern ice cream flavors.
This was one of my favorite flavors at good ol’ Ray’s Ice Cream. It started in Wisconsin, but can be found all over the Midwest. What does it taste like? Uhhhhhhh that’s the question. Nobody can quite figure it out, and the makers aren’t telling. Some say it tastes like a combination of mint, almond, and marshmallow. Others say it tastes like Froot Loops cereal. What I can say is: it’s very blue. And it’s delicious. I still buy it, and my California wife still gives me a side-eye.
Pape Sarr (Community — 4.5): This was a match tailor made for Sarr’s abilities — lots of space behind, and a bunch of mostly crap midfield players to dribble around. Took his goal well and worked well with Bergvall in what felt like a true double pivot midfield.
James Maddison (Community — 4.5): Say this for Madders — he’s not always on, but when he is on he is ON. Both of his goals were superbly taken, especially his second, and he looked creatively involved with almost every good thing Spurs did in the first half.
Son Heung-Min (Community — 4.5): Two assists and a goal, plus he could’ve had a couple more had he been a little more clinical with his shooting. Looked electric, like the Son of old. And he did it all in one half!
Pedro Porro (Community — 3.5): We all wanted Porro to get more of a rest on Sunday, but credit to him — as soon as he got on the pitch he looked committed to playing his entire shift without ever getting his pace up beyond a moderate jog. This is exactly what I wanted out of him in this match — why sprint when you’re already exhausted and Deki can cover behind you? It was perfect, and I admire his full commitment to the bit. Good job, Pedro. Five stars.
Ange Postecoglou (Community — 4.5): We smooshed ‘em with two teenagers in the starting lineup, and Ange actually let them turn the intensity dial down a couple notches in the second half. Got Spence his first start, and Dorrington his club debut. Good managin’.
Superman ice cream is a Michigan staple, and since I grew up close to the border, it was readily available in my area as well. While the ice cream is a swirl of red, yellow and blue — the same as Superman’s costume — it notably (and ironically) predates the superhero, emerging during prohibition. (The comic debuted in 1938.) The flavors can vary, but often is lemon/banana, red pop, and blue moon/raspberry. It’s super colorful, and for a young kid obsessed with comics, it was the perfect flavor.
Dejan Kulusevski (Community — 4.0): Took his goal well, was very involved in and around Southampton’s box, and did a good job covering for Pedro when he’d amble forward every so often. Played all over the pitch, looked great.
Djed Spence (Community — 4.5): Instant impact with his gorgeous turn and through ball to Maddison inside 40 seconds, and looked bright both in attack and defense. Capably dealt with a sudden flank switch after Udogie’s injury. He was good. We should probably play him more.
Loathe as I am to give Nebraska credit for much, I do credit them for developing and popularizing butter brickle ice cream — a toffee-flavored ice cream with butter toffee pieces, sometimes covered in chocolate. It is uniquely Midwestern and incredibly delicious, like a Heath Bar in ice cream form. Yum.
Archie Gray (Community — 4.0): While I would’ve liked to see him some at CM, this was a perfect game for him to continue to find his sea legs at the Premier League level. Another solid, composed performance in defense.
Lucas Bergvall (Community — 4.0): Lucas still looks like he’s adjusting to the speed of the Premier League, but he also feels like he’s settling in. Plays with a hint of a swagger. Not every game will be this easy but again you can see his potential.
You’ve probably heard of Moose Trax, which has escaped the Midwest and can now be found everywhere, but Bunny Trax? That’s an Iowa thing and they take it seriously. Vanilla ice cream with caramel sauce, fudge sauce, chocolate covered peanuts, and peanut butter bunnies. What’s not to love?
Fraser Forster (Community — 4.0): Didn’t really have all that much to do, to be honest. A couple of routine saves and let one past that was called back for offside.
Radu Dragusin (Community — 4.0): Solid enough defensive performance against an offense that didn’t generate much. Really enjoying seeing the long pass from deep in his locker lately, we haven’t had a player like that since Vertonghen.
Destiny Udogie (Community — 3.5): A little hard to evaluate him after his injury substitution, but while he still looked gassed he had a pretty good match.
Ahh, Kentucky. What’s their go-to move for any food item that’s pretty good? Add bourbon to it! Thankfully, bourbon goes great with vanilla and milk, so it’s a natural combination that adds complexity and depth to an otherwise bog-standard flavor. That said... it’s still just fancy vanilla, right?
Dominic Solanke (Community — 3.5): Weird game. You’d think in a match where Spurs scored five goals he’d have at least one, but it felt like he barely had a sniff. No shots at all. Strangely complacent match, but maybe it’s just that he didn’t NEED to be as involved.
Alfie Dorrington (Community — 3.0): Made his first team debut and was, on balance, pretty competent against a terrible offense. Had one misplaced pass that led to a Soton goal called back from offside, and looked distraught in the immediate wake of that, but this was the perfect game for him to make his first appearance. Would like to see more.
Ok, I’m cheating a bit here because Grape Nuts ice cream is very much a northeastern thing, but it HAS made its way to the Midwest and I can specifically recall having it on trips to eastern Pennsylvania. The cereal gives a slight maltiness in the flavor profile and you do get that fun textural element, but I can’t say it’s the best thing I’ve ever put in my mouth. It’s not that it’s BAD, it’s just not as good as everything on this list above it.
Brennan Johnson (Community — 3.0): Not sure what all he actually did out there, but I guess in his defense when you’re up five goals when you come on you don’t exactly have to tear up trees.
Timo Werner (Community — 3.0): Mostly anonymous as a sub, but had one lovely cross into the box that Johnson put over the bar.
The teaberry is the bright red berry of the wintergreen plant, and this bubblegum pink ice cream is one of the most popular flavors in Pennsylvania. Yes, it is minty. Aggressively so. I’ve had it once, I like the flavor of wintergreen, and I found it basically like eating frozen Pepto-Bismol. If that’s your thing, that’s cool but I’ll give it a pass next time I’m in the Lancaster County area.
No Tottenham players in this category.
I hate walnuts so this is an easy choice for me, and the black walnut takes the flavor profile of regular English walnuts and significantly dials up the earthiness and bitterness of the nuts in a way that isn’t offset by the sweetness of the cream. There are few ice creams that I would actively turn down if offered, but black walnut is one of them. Gross.
No Tottenham players were as bad as black walnut ice cream.
Tom Carroll Memorial Non-Rating
