Cartilage Free Captain

I’ve been doing my best this week to catch up on some regular hoddle features I haven’t been able to get round to lately because of travel, work, etc.

Earlier this week we did a nice rundown of the EFL Championship, brought back Fitzie’s Film and TV Reviews and even did that video game hoddle that you all requested at the start of the season. I’m doing my best to tick off the boxes one by one. I need to update the Track of the Day playlist too.

(Don’t expect any hoddles in the near future on Where are they now? where hoddle HQ looks at past Spurs players - because I just don’t have the time)

But one I always like to revisit is What are you reading right now? where hoddle HQ checks in with you all on some of the books you’re currently reading.

I’m steadily making my way through A Year In the Death of Ricardo Reis by Jose Saramago, a novel about the final year of Ricardo Reis, one of the dozens of heteronyms (And one of the most famous) created by legendary Portuguese writer Fernando Pessoa.

I’m only about a quarter of the way through the book so far but it is turning out to be a remarkable read. It features those beautiful, long-running sentences that Saramago is known for. The only problem is I haven’t had time in the last two weeks to pick it up.

That needs to change, and it will be a significant part of my weekend plans. I hope the next time we check in I’ll be nearly done (if not finished) with the book.

Anyways - do share some of the texts you’re reading!

Fitzie’s track of the day: Shouldn’t Have Took More Than You Gave, by Dave Mason

And now for your links:

The Athletic ($$): “The lessons Tottenham Hotspur can learn from the Premier League’s Great Escapes”

Alasdair Gold: “Tottenham fined and warned by UEFA over ‘improper conduct’ and two other incidents”

The Independent: “How Rochdale and York stole the Premier League’s thunder with a title decider for the ages”

The Telegraph: “BBC axes Football Focus after 52 years”

It should probably go without saying that the transfer rumor vultures are circulating around the injured body of Tottenham Hotspur, so we should expect a lot of reports that other clubs are wanting to pick off any number of Spurs players this summer. Like this one! According to The Athletic’s Manchester United beat writer Laurie Whitwell, United are in the market for a new central defender and Micky van de Ven is one of the options they’re considering.

The gist is that United have two young defenders — Leny Yoro and Ayden Heaven — that they want to develop and turn into first team regulars, but they’re also considering an experienced central defender as a stop-gap and to bolster their Champions League roster. Van de Ven is considered one potential option for them, and the thought is he might consider a Spurs exit whether or not Tottenham save themselves from relegation in what remains of the season.

A name being considered is Micky Van de Ven. The 25-year-old, who spoke to Gary Neville on The Overlap podcast in December, is expected to attract interest, whatever division Tottenham Hotspur end up in. His contract runs to 2029, so his value is protected. There is the irony that if Spurs are relegated, it would ease the exit path for some of their best players.

— Laurie Whitwell, The Athletic

That’s not exactly a surprise, though if Spurs do stay up it would require Spurs to consent to selling Micky (not a given). If they go down, then I’d expect Micky would not be the only first team player to push through the exit door. Whitwell mentions Liverpool is another club keeping an eye on Micky’s status, along with “other major clubs in Europe.” No surprises there.

The other bit of rumor-mongering to mention today is the status of Destiny Udogie. According to The Sun’s Tom Barclay (a good reporter at a very bad newspaper), Udogie could potentially miss Saturday’s away match at already-relegated Wolves due to an undisclosed injury. I will not link to the report because it is the Sun; I’m sure you can find your way to that article if you really want to. But suffice it to say that this is only the first paper reporting this, and because it’s Barclay I’m inclined to think it’s possible.

It’s another blow for Spurs, and for Udogie who has missed significant parts of the season with injury. In fact, he had only recently come back from a hamstring injury that caused him to miss about a month. Udogie is a good player but at this point he appears to be made of glass, and him potentially missing more time shouldn’t be much of a surprise.

I assume that one of either Djed Spence or Souza would come in as Destiny’s replacement against Wolves, with Pedro Porro remaining on the left under Robert De Zerbi, but who knows what RDZ will do — it’s not like we have a corpus of matches for us to draw upon.

Wolves are a terrible team, but for whatever reason Spurs have been pretty dogshit against them the past three seasons. Spurs haven’t beaten Wolves at all since August 2022, and you have to go back to August 2021 — under Nuno Espirito Santo — to find a the last time Spurs beat Wolves at the Molineux. That’s not to say Spurs won’t win on Saturday, but don’t expect it to be a given. These Wolves have teeth when they’re up against chicken clubs.

It’s been a good while since we’ve last done a video game hoddle, and I know you all love your video games.

(Anyone here still playing Candyland?)

I’m not playing any video games right now but I did come across this movie poster for Hungry, the unofficial movie based off the game Hungry Hungry Hippos. It looks really exciting:

Also some MIT students played a game of Tetris on a building. That’s pretty dang cool, right?

I gotta say I’ve played Tetris a few times thinking it’ll be fun. It never is, it’s always extraordinarily stressful.

So I wonder what was more fun for those students: Developing a way to play tetris on a building, or playing the game.

Anyways, that’s your video game hoddle. Do share some of the RPGs, MMGs, RSVPs and MSRPs you’re up to these days.

Fitzie’s track of the day: Turned Out I Was Everyone, by Sasami

And now for your links:

Jay Harris ($$): “Tottenham’s Kevin Danso is a fantastic defender but he is so much more than that”

In 2021, Borussia Dortmund hired Sebastian Kehl to serve as their Sporting Director, succeeding Michael Zorc, a massively successful figure who won several titles while in charge of the Bundesliga club. Four years later, Dortmund and Kehl made a mutual decision to part ways with Dortmund floundering under a catastrophically built and aging squad, and despite Dortmund having plenty of financial capital.

Does that sound familiar? Because it should. Tottenham Hotspur are also looking for a new Director of Football after the departure of former co-Sporting Director Fabio Paratici, who bolted for Italy to rebuild Fiorentina after just two months in charge. Previous reporting had suggested that Sebastian Kehl was one of several options to serve in the role along with former Crystal Palace DoF Dougie Freedman. Nobody was particularly excited about the idea of hiring Kehl at the time.

Well, I have bad news for you, courtesy of Florian Plettenberg and Sky Sports Germany.

Wow. It takes a special kind of football executive to look at the tenure at someone like Kehl who served at a club that’s more or less equivalent to that of Tottenham Hotspur, look at their current squad, the past few seasons’ results, and the way he left the club, and say “I want some of that!” I also want to call attention to one particular sub-phrase in Plettenberg’s tweet — “alongside Johan Lange,” which strongly implies that not only is Lange NOT going to be fired out of a cannon into the nearest star, but instead like he could be given the opportunity to continue at the club, alongside a DoF who screwed up Dortmund in much the same way Tottenham are screwed up.

It should be noted that further reporting suggests an appointment is pretty far away at the moment, but it also suggests that Dougie Freedman, currently DoF for a Saudi League club that I’m not going to bother to identify, took a look at 18th-placed Spurs and said “Yeah, hard pass.” That same reporting suggests an appointment is still pretty far away and Kehl is not necessarily a done deal, which if you’re the hopeful type you should grab onto with both hands.

In theory, Kehl could be better at his job than what he showed at Dortmund, but why in the world would you trust anyone in Tottenham’s current leadership to look at Kehl’s tenure and make that determination, given what we can see with our own lying eyes? And to make that determination and keep Johan Lange in his current job just screams ignorance and incompetence by the Lewis kids (and the Swamp Wambsgans former Florida placekicker currently in charge).

I can’t even. If this is accurate, this is not a serious club and we should not expect serious and systemic change to a system that has already broken enough that there’s a real chance Tottenham Hotspur will be playing in the Championship next season.

good morning and welcome to another edition of Fitzie’s Film and TV Reviews, where your hoddler-in-chief takes a look at some of the things he’s seen on screens both big and small.

I’ve only got a couple listed for you today - that’s because I haven’t finished Is This Thing On? yet. Early feedback though is overwhelmingly positive.

Project Hail Mary: This is the film everyone’s talking about lately. And how could they not? It’s a beautiful buddy film set in space between a human male and his alien friend, Rocky. The film itself is gorgeous to look at, and it’s a tonne of fun to watch once you understand what it’s actually about. My one minor critique is that it’s too much Ryan Gosling, but some might say that’s a good thing.

If you ask me, the puppeteer for Rocky should win the “best supporting actor” in the awards shows.

Bad Mistakes: Dan Levy’s latest series after Schitt’s Creek follows a pastor and his sister’s entrapment in a criminal enterprise - uh oh! It’s a dark comedy that also features Laurie Metcalf. There are some really good moments. But my major gripe is there is way too much bickering to the point where it feels quite shrill and, frankly, unpleasant to listen to. I think it redeemed itself in the final episode and I’m looking forward to a tighter second series.

Malcolm in the Middle: Life’s Still Unfair: The revival show to the 90s-era sitcom that starred Frankie Munoz and Seinfeld star Bryan Cranston, the latter who would later go on to write A Life In Parts. This film brings back almost the entire original cast, who are at their dysfunctional best. It’s only four episodes, but that feels like enough for what seems like typical Malcolm hijinks.

Fitzie’s track of the day: With This Tear, by Prince

And now for your links:

Jack P-B ($$): “Rodrigo Bentancur’s return is the comeback Spurs didn’t know they needed”

ESPN: “Leicester relegated to League One 10 years after Premier League title”

‘I would say Yang has been a victim of Coventry’s squad. At the time, they needed a bit of spark on the flanks and back up - then all of sudden they didn’t. When he came in, they were lacking strength in depth on the left and the right wings, that was blatantly obvious for everybody to see and had been all season.

‘The Sky Blues had Tatsuhiro Sakamoto on the right and Ephron Mason-Clark on the left, two outstanding players, so they needed to address that - and went out and got three wingers. Yang and Romain Esse came on loan to cater for the right and left wings. Then they spent money on Jahnoah Markelo, more of one for the future, although he has crept into the squad after a period of getting used to the physicality of the training.

‘Unfortunately for Yang, his arrival conceded with everybody getting fit and, all of a sudden, Frank Lampard is having to leave players out of the match-day squad who are fit, which has been a source of frustration for the manager. He thinks it should be like the Champions League and everyone should be on the bench for matches, believing it’s unfair that lads train all week and are not involved with only nine subs.

‘However, Yang has been a victim of that, everybody has got back. For instance, Brandon Thomas-Asante was playing on the left flank for a period of time really successfully when Mason-Clark was out for a few games, now everybody has returned at the wrong time for him.

‘By all accounts, he’s been working hard behind the scenes and just not included. It’s been a really unfortunate loan for him. He’s a victim of unfortunate circumstance.

…

‘He started against Stoke in the FA Cup, he’s exciting going forward but just looks a bit lightweight and gets knocked off the ball too easily. Yang’s been a bit hot and cold, he caught the eye a couple of times, but it’s difficult to judge a player with such a short period of time on the pitch.

‘His one trademark move was cutting inside onto his right foot and having a shot, he did that a couple of times. Perhaps had he imposed himself more, he would have got more minutes, I don’t know. Lampard always says the team picks itself on the training pitch, so maybe that’s the answer.

‘There certainly looks like there’s a player there, I just think it’s one of those moves which has come at the wrong time for him.’

— Andy Turner, Coventry Telegraph

Hey, want another transfer rumor that has the most obvious of all possible caveats? French newspaper RMC Sport is reporting that Tottenham Hotspur have “made contact” with Paris Saint-Germain over a potential move for 24-year-old keeper Lucas Chevalier. Though it is a bit of an odd rumor — Chevalier only moved to PSG at the beginning of this season, signing for Lille for €55m; his first match was the UEFA Super Cup match against, you guessed it, Tottenham where Spurs lost 4-3 in a penalty shoot-out. Since then, Chevalier has been weirdly in and out of the squad, making 17 starts for PSG this season while Russian backup keeper Matvei Safonov has made 11, leading to rumors that PSG might already be willing to cut bait on him.

Sounds pretty good, right? Spurs are going to need a new #1 keeper since it appears pretty clear they’re ready to ship Guglielmo Vicario back to Italy this summer and Chevalier could be a very good addition. There’s just one problem. Everyone say it together!

Honestly, that’s just going to be the way every single Tottenham transfer rumor is from now until they either secure survival or are confirmed to be relegated. And if they ARE relegated, obviously players like Lucas Chevalier, Marcos Senesi, Lucas Robertson, etc. aren’t going to want to come here.

It’s infuriating, but right now it’s understandable, and it’s all we have. Notably we’re not getting ANY rumors about what kinds of players Spurs might be targeting if they DO go down, which also makes sense — not only does nobody want to read those kinds of rumors, but they’re a bit self-defeating. I’m sure Johan Lange, who should be fired out of a cannon, has a plan for if Spurs are relegated, but I’m not sure I’m ready to hear about those rumors myself anyway.

So we’re stuck with Schrödinger’s transfer rumors — they’re either real rumors, or they’re vapor and we won’t know until we open the box and learn our fate.

In the meantime, I’ll just leave you with the meme on your left for your enjoyment, because I suspect we’re going to be posting that a LOT over the next few weeks.

I know we’re still a good week and change away from the turn of the month, but I think we need to do a quick check-in on the EFL Championship.

Most clubs only have three or four matches to play and there is a lot that’s still to be played for. So let’s do a quick run-down of the run-in:

Promotion secured:

Coventry (86 pts)

I’m not going to get too much into this one. Coventry have been promoted to the Premier League after a two-decade wait!

Race for automatics:

Ipswich Town (76 Pts, +29 GD)

Ipswich Town sit second with a game in hand and some favourable matches. It’s clearly theirs to lose at this point.

Remaining matches at Charlton, at West Brom, at Southampton, QPR

Millwall (76 Pts, +11 GD)

This Millwall side is a lot more resilient than in years past and I favour them against Stoke and Leicester. Oxford United could be a tough final game of the season, but I don’t think it’ll matter too much given Ipswich’s ease of schedule.

Remaining matches: at Stoke City, at Leicester City, Oxford United

Southampton (75 Pts, +24 GD)

Southampton are in the best form in the league right now and haven’t lost a game since January. But they’ve also got a really difficult final few games (that doesn’t include their FA Cup clash against Manchester City). Surely their run has to end at some point, right?

Remaining matches: Bristol City, Ipswich Town, at Preston NE

Middlesbrough (73 Pts, +20 GD)

I think they’re just too far away to surpass all three of their rivals. Three points is a lot at this stage and there isn’t enough road left. That said, I think wins against Wednesday and Watford could give them a slightly easier path in the playoffs. Wrexham remain spoilers.

Remaining matches: Sheffield Wednesday, Watford, at Wrexham

Race for the playoffs

Hull City (69 Pts, +4 GD)

A remarkable season for Hull City, who I thought would be battling relegation. They’ve got favourable games against Leicester and Charlton before closing the regular season against an in-form Norwich City.

Remaining matches: at Leicester, at Charlton, Norwich City

Wrexham (67 Pts, +5 GD)

I think they’ve finally lost steam. They have recent defeats to Birmingham and Southampton, plus a draw against West Brom. That’s probably enough to dash their incredible season. It doesn’t get any easier.

Remaining matches: at Oxford United, at Coventry, Boro

Derby (66 Pts, +9 GD)

It’s possible their fate is determined Tuesday with a tough game against Norwich City. Like Wrexham, I have a hard time seeing them leapfrogging Hull for the playoffs unless the Tigers collapse.

Remaining matches: at Norwich, at QPR, Sheffield United

Race for survival

Charlton (50 Pts, -12 GD)

It looks like they’ve done just enough to survive, but it’ll be close. One point should just about secure it, but where will it come from? Swansea City?

Remaining matches: Ipswich Town, Hull City, at Swansea

West Brom (49 Pts, -12 GD)

West Brom found the right form at the right time by picking up 13 points in their last seven matches. If current form holds, they look just about clear for survival.

Remaining matches: Watford, Ipswich Town, Wednesday

Blackburn (49 Pts, -15 GD)

Five points separate Blackburn from the drop. Even with playing an extra game, they might be okay. Maybe. Unless Oxford can pull a great escape.

Remaining matches: Sheffield United, Leicester City

Oxford United (44 Pts, -13 GD)

That’s the big question: Can they? Where will the points come from? They’ll need to pick up at least a win against either Wrexham or Millwall, plus a win against Wednesday.

Remaining matches: Wrexham, Wednesday, at Millwall

Leicester (41 Pts, -11 GD)

They look doomed. It’s remarkable, but Leicester City are getting relegated to League One unless they win their final three games and get a lot of help.

Remaining matches: Hull, Millwall, at Blackburn

Relegated

Sheffield Wednesday (-3 Pts, -57 GD)

The only question here is whether or not Wednesday finish with a positive goal differential.

Fitzie’s track of the day: But Not For Me, by Ahmad Jamal

And now for your links:

BBC: “Spurs lifeline or good step for West Ham - who’s favourite for drop?”

Jack P-B ($$): “Forget about it. Move on. Win. Spurs just need to win”

Alasdair Gold: “Troy Parrott’s incredible season shows why Tottenham should use transfer clause”

Good morning everyone - Fitzie is back!!! (until late next week)

We return to hoddling duties on a very important day. Today is the Boston Marathon, the greatest of all road races.

Your hoddler-in-chief is still chasing his Boston ambitions. Right now, my age means I have to run a marathon in 2:55.00 or less. I’m only seven minutes north of that which feels not that far but also impossible.

I’m doing my best to recover from my previous race. It’s been a little more than two weeks and I’m still feeling it in my legs. On Sunday I ran for 75 minutes following the Hal Higdon recovery plan. I’m definitely not running as fast as I am used to, and the times I’m trying to run at a stronger pace are pretty difficult.

Still, I ran 10 miles Sunday. That isn’t bad right?

What’s more exciting is all those runners who are going through Boston today!

There’s been some noise about Boston in the last week - mostly about influencers and that Nike “walkers” sign. Both are distractions, I say, from what is the true testament of human endurance in the face of adversity.

I’m looking forward to watching the race on Monday. And I hope you all tune in too!

Fitzie’s track of the day: Running on Empty, by Jackson Browne

And now for your links:

Matt Law: “Crying shame as Tottenham hearts are broken by Brighton”

Football London: “Xavi Simons demands two things from Roberto De Zerbi after Tottenham star left red-faced”

Since yesterday’s fixture against Brighton, which took place during the Premier League’s No Room For Racism weekend, Kevin Danso has been, and continues to be, subject to significant and abhorrent racist abuse on social media.

We have heard and seen vile, dehumanising racism. Behaviour that is without doubt a criminal offence. It will not be tolerated.

The club is taking immediate action. We are reporting all identified content to the Metropolitan Police and to the appropriate authorities in the country where perpetrators reside, as well as to relevant social media platforms. We will push for the strongest possible action against each and every person we identify.

Kevin has our complete and unconditional support as a player and as a person. No one at this club will ever stand alone in the face of this.

Nothing about form or league position can ever excuse or explain racist abuse. There is no connection between performance on the pitch and the right to target a player with discrimination. Criticism of performances is part of the game. Racism is not.

We work with specialist third parties dedicated to monitoring online abuse, investigating incidents and identifying perpetrators.

Abusers could face custodial sentences, football banning orders, criminal records, fines, community orders or police-mandated educational programmes. We have successfully secured criminal convictions following abuse of our staff and players, including individuals based overseas, and we have also issued indefinite Club bans.

We call on X, Instagram and all platforms to act quickly and decisively when racist abuse is reported. We also encourage anyone who sees abuse of this kind to report it directly to us at report@tottenhamhotspur.com so we can take the strongest possible action.

There is no place for racism at Tottenham Hotspur. There is no place for racism in football.