Happy Monday, Tottenham fans! Tottenham Hotspur went to the AmEx on Saturday to face Brighton & Hove Albion, and came away with a 2-2 draw after going down 2-0 in the first half. That result in and of itself is a pretty good one, but the way the match was going in the second half it’s okay if you think Spurs probably should’ve nicked a winner.
But let’s talk about hamburgers today. This theme was prompted by Luka Vuskovic scoring not only his first goal for his loan club this weekend, but also what was Hamburger SV’s first Bundesliga goal in seven years. We’re also heading into the last warm days of summer/first warm days of fall, so it’s time to bust out the grill and start making what could be among the last fantastic grilled burgers before cold weather hits.
We could argue about how to make a fantastic burger, but let’s instead focus more on what we wrap said burger in. I have takes. Here are your Tottenham Hotspur player ratings for their 2-2 draw against Brighton to the theme of hamburger buns.
This is the platonic idea of burger bun. It’s soft, but not too soft so the bread soaks up the burger’s juices without compressing too far, and it’s not as sweet so it provides more of a neutral base to let the beef flavor and whatever toppings you have shine. Given a choice, always go with a potato bun.
No Tottenham Hotspur players in this category.
Gonna be honest, I love a good brioche bun. It’s buttery and slightly sweet which can complement condiments like ketchup which have more of a tang to it. The enriched dough is pillowy soft, but if I’m critical maybe just on the verge of being too soft. Brioche provides a touch of French luxury to your backyard burger, though, and that decadence pushes it up to (almost) the top of the pile. Brush some butter on the ends and grill them slightly for a little extra heft.
Destiny Udogie (Community — 4.0): Des has struggled a little bit over the past few weeks as he’s worked his way back from a long term injury and into the first team squad, but he excelled in his first start of the season, defending against Minteh well (apart from, well, the goal) and combining with Wilson Odobert offensively. Easily Spurs’ best player on the day.
A good pretzel roll can be a sublime experience, combining a structural solidity with a pillowy inside. The color also rules, as does the little crunch of salt on the exterior. It’s easy for these guys to sideways though so you need to find a good example of the pretzel roll and stick to it. Plus these are German(-ish) so they’re a good way to celebrate Vuskovic balling out in the Bundesliga. Find fresh baked if you can, but there are some decent options at the supermarket.
Xavi Simons (Community — 4.0): Extremely encouraging stuff playing as a reserve at the 10 position. Brought the creativity desperately needed in the midfield and flashed a couple of shots wide that if he were fully up to speed he’d probably have buried.
Mohammed Kudus (Community — 4.0): I admit to getting frustrated watching Kudus dribble into cul-de-sacs and try and take on multiple defenders in this game, but I have to admit he was extremely dynamic. Bagged an assist for Richarlison’s goal and an “assist” for the cross that went in off of Van Hecke.
OK stay with me here. For starters, not everyone can tolerate gluten. For those that can’t, some crisp lettuce (I like romaine or baby bibb halves) provides a nice textural and temperature contrast, is readily available, and gets some veggies into you, even if it’s “just” lettuce. It’s certainly better than 90% of the gluten free “buns” out there on the market.
Cuti Romero (Community — 3.5): Spurs continue to rely on his play from deep (overly so, imo) to progress the ball, though not to the same extent as vs. Villarreal. Covered the back line admirably when Brighton got past Pedro Porro a few times.
Palhinha (Community — 3.5): I still feel like Palhinha/Bentancur are an either/or proposition, not a both proposition but Palhinha at least did what he does well. Broke up a lot of play and wasn’t actively harmful to Spurs’ ball progression.
Thomas Frank (Community — 3.5): Rotation is a thing but I really thought Frank would’ve set the team up a little more offensively-minded. His substitutions were all solid and credit to him and the team for the comeback.
Look, your standard supermarket white bun with sesame seeds on it is fine. Fine! Perfectly acceptable, and thankfully, ubiquitous. There are better options out there, sure, but you’re not going to go wrong here. Just — for god’s sake at least toast it a bit on the grill.
Micky van de Ven (Community — 3.5): A bit off the pace in this one. Set up Minteh’s goal by charging out of the back line to press leaving space behind for the Brighton player to exploit. Used his pace otherwise well to snuff out a few chances, but not his best match, clearly.
Pedro Porro (Community — 3.0): Also a little off the pace, and struggled defensively at times. Didn’t get forward as much as he’d probably have liked. He’s already got a lot of miles on the tires, and is one of the few players who has not gotten rotated out during this stretch of matches. I expect he’ll sit vs. Doncaster, which would be good as we need him healthy and firing.
Lucas Bergvall (Community — 3.5): A bit of a mixed bag for Lucas. I won’t fault his effort and he provided plenty of industry in midfield, but also failed to recognize Richarlison on the ground and gave the ball up ahead of Ayari’s goal, and was a bit profligate, especially in the first half. Pretty solid overall, but not amazing, imo. These are the kinds of matches a young player needs to play in order to improve, but I won’t grade him on a curve here.
Richarlison (Community — 3.5): OK good goal but focusing solely on that would do a disservice as he was something of a hot mess otherwise. You can also argue that he stayed down too long “injured” in the build-up to Ayari’s goal. Lots of effort, very little end product.
Wilson Odobert (Community — 3.0): Actually thought Wilson showed some brief glimpses of exciting play in this one and he looks like he will work well with Udogie on the left. But you can say he was one of the players at fault for Minteh’s goal and he tired pretty quickly. Play him vs. Doncaster and let him cook.
This is going to piss off some people, but while it has a nice flavor, as a hamburger bun ciabatta leans too far into the “structural” realm. Ciabata is just far too tough to make an effective hamburger bun — getting your teeth through it invariably leads to juice running down your arm and “condiment slide.” Keep it around for garlic bread, or toast with breakfast.
Guglielmo Vicario (Community — 2.5): Got caught a little flat footed on Minteh’s run, and really should’ve done better to save Ayari’s (admittedly lovely) strike. Also tested probably more than he would’ve liked on a set piece from Lewis Dunk.
Rodrigo Bentancur (Community — 3.0): Something of a mess in possession. I’m not sure — perhaps he’s stuck between roles, either the deep lying destroyer or the more dynamic 8. In this one he ended up being neither.
Don’t do this. This is a gimmick, not anything actually tasty. Krispy Kreme-style yeasted donuts are too soft, cake donuts are too crumbly, and both are way, way too sweet. You might think this is a fun, novel idea. It is not.
Brennan Johnson (Community — 2.5): I can’t believe he was actually on the pitch for 20 minutes because my guy was basically completely absent. Coming in late as fresh legs when Spurs are chasing a goal is exactly where he should excel and he… did not excel.
Only sickos and the gluten-intolerant go down this route. If you’re gluten-intolerant, I get it — but there are so many better options for your wheat-less burger than eating it with a fork. Only go here if you have no other options. And if you’re a sicko, wtf is wrong with you? Have some self-respect.
No Tottenham players were as bad as…
Tom Carroll Memorial Non-Rating: