We might have mentioned it a few times on here, but the second annual Pop-Tarts Bowl took place this weekend between the University of Miami and Iowa State University. I am now convinced that the Pop-Tarts Bowl, which is the antithesis of the stuffy, tradition-laden pomp of historic bowls like the Rose and Fiesta Bowls, is exactly what college football needs. It was a great game, too — Iowa State won by a single point and their quarterback captain got to choose which of three Pop-Tart flavor mascots got dumped into a giant toaster to be cooked and subsequently devoured by the winning team (it was Frosted Cinnamon Roll, for the record. RIP.)
Let’s be honest for a second — Pop-Tarts are terrible for you and I don’t recommend people actually consume them, but they are delicious in moderation and are an iconic American pop culture food item. I don’t buy them frequently, but I’ve also tasted a fair few in my years as an American food consumer. So that, in conjunction with the recently completed Bowl, makes them a solid candidate for a player ratings theme.
Once again the rampant schedule of Tottenham Hotspur’s fixtures has caught up to me and I’m behind on posting player ratings, so let’s just crank this one out. Spurs lost away at Nottingham Forest and it sucked. Here are your player ratings to the theme of Pop-Tarts flavors, because why the hell not.
If I were basic, I’d go with frosted strawberry, or maybe frosted cherry or blueberry as my top choice. All three are solid, dependable, top tier toaster pastries. But for my money, I’m going with frosted raspberry. It’s made with actual dried raspberries, for starters, and provides a zing that you just don’t get with the other fruity Pop-Tarts. The sweetness of the frosting also goes a long way towards counterbalancing the tartness of the fruit filling. This is the platonic ideal, at least for me, of Pop-Tartery.
No Tottenham players were in this category.
If you’re not going for a fruit Pop-Tart, you should be going for a chocolate one and there aren’t many that are as good as the s’mores flavor. A graham cracker pastry and a fudge/marshmallow filling is just a classic flavor profile, which is what elevates it above the likes of Hot Fudge Sundae and even Marshmallow Hot Cocoa. This is a top tier garbage toaster pastry.
No Tottenham players in this category.
Iowa State did pretty good here — frosted cinnamon roll is an excellent choice for a winning Pop-Tart flavor, especially if you’re looking for a non-fruit option, and especially when compared to the other two options - Frosted Hot Fudge Sundae and Frosted Wild Berry. You might personally prefer a different choice, but I find it hard to fault going with a spiced option, and the Cinnamon Roll variant is a slight elevation from the original and classic Brown Sugar Cinnamon pastry.
Archie Gray (Community — 3.0): He was fine. Love this kid and his attitude, even acknowledging he’s not really a CB.
Lucas Bergvall (Community — 3.0): A late sub and showed some real spirit in possession, albeit in a losing effort. He’s continuing to show his adaptation to the Premier League level.
It’s basically a combination of Frosted Strawberry and Frosted Raspberry with a 90s-themed “wild” colored frosting. It’s... fine, but weirdly there’s just too much going on here to elevate it, and the berry combination just comes across as muddled. It’s palatable as far as Pop-Tarts go, but nothing especially noteworthy.
Radu Dragusin (Community — 2.5): He was ok, right up to the point where he injured his ankle. He is what he is at this point and we know both the things he does well (tackles/interceptions) and his weaknesses (passing, positional awareness). Do love his long ball from deep, though.
Fraser Forster (Community — 2.5): Definitely not the problem in this match (but also remains as not the solution either).
Pape Sarr (Community — 2.5): Spurs don’t really have many good options as an outlet, but Sarr served that purpose admirably in this one, even in what was a pretty poor team performance.
Dejan Kulusevski (Community — 2.5): Boy did he try in this one. Set up Johnson for at least one chance but a stout Forest defense negated a lot of his efforts.
Credit where due, if you were looking for a Pop-Tart that tastes exactly like those cheap frosted birthday sheetcakes you can get at the local supermarket, then this is a Pop-Tart you will enjoy because they absolutely nail that flavor profile. As for me, I think they’re disgusting and I don’t understand the nostalgia for this particular chemical flavor profile.
Djed Spence (Community — 2.5): Played pretty well on balance, but hard to overlook the two stupid yellows that ruled him out of the Wolves match, one for dissent and the other for a reckless challenge.
Rodrigo Bentancur (Community — 2.5): His first league match back after a seven game suspension and it wasn’t great, Bob!
Brennan Johnson (Community — 2.5): If Johnson isn’t scoring, he also isn’t doing a whole lot to help the team. Forced Sels into a couple of good saves and probably should’ve scored when the ball squirted right to his feet at close range. Otherwise a passenger in this one.
Ange Postecoglou (Community — 2.0): I’m at the point where I have no idea where to rank Ange anymore due to all the context behind the injury crisis, the fixture schedule, and the overall performances.
I’m not sure who asked for this flavor, but as an avowed hater of artificial banana flavoring this one goes straight in the bin for me.
Destiny Udogie (Community — 2.5): Anthony Elanga is a fast dude, one of the fastest in the league, but it still hurt watching Destiny get beat on that opening Wolves goal. Udogie looks a little bereft of confidence at the moment, which I suppose is to be expected.
Dominic Solanke (Community — 2.5): A lot of his complete absence from this match can be attributed to Forest’s defense... but not all. A poor showing at a time when we needed him to step up.
Son Heung-Min (Community — 2.0): I find it hard to disentangle Son’s recent slump from the number of minutes we’ve forced him to play, but this was a poor, poor match from Spurs’ captain.
James Maddison (Community — 2.5): Really didn’t have much of an impact.
I suppose I understand why these things exist... no, scratch that, I don’t. The argument for an unfrosted Pop-Tart is that the frosting makes the Pop-Tart too sweet, but if you don’t like things that sweet, what the hell are you doing eating a Pop-Tart to begin with? These things are sugar bombs, that’s the entire point. Taking the frosting away just makes it a pointless unhealthy toaster pastry, and I will not have it. Go all in or go home.
No Tottenham Hotspur players were as bad as an unfrosted Pop-Tart.
Tom Carroll Memorial Non-Rating