Welcome to Row Z, The Athletic’s weekly column that shines a light on the bonkers side of the game.
From clubs to managers, players to organisations, every week we’ll bring you the absurdities, the greed, the contradictions, the preposterousness and the oddities of the sport we all love…
Tottenham: redefining what a modern club can be
Tottenham Hotspur, a version of reality: the ninth-richest club in the world with revenues of £581million ($778m), the third-highest attendances in the Premier League (60,900 average), millions of pounds made per home match (matchday revenue exceeds £100m per season) as well as hosting money-spinning NFL matches, boxing, rugby and concerts featuring the likes of Beyonce, Bad Bunny and K-pop stars.
Tottenham Hotspur, an extension of that version of reality: on Friday, the club’s chief revenue officer Ryan Norys will tell an audience at the exclusive Austin Marriott Downtown hotel in Texas about how the club are “building a cultural powerhouse”, how they have “redefined what a modern football club can be” and how they emerged “as a globally recognised brand built on sport, culture, and partnerships”.
Norys will share Spurs’ “innovative partnership strategy and global stadium vision” during the event, titled ‘Beyond the Pitch’ (what is beyond the pitch? Empty seats, of course). A Spurs player will then appear on stage as a hologram. Reasons unknown.
Tottenham Hotspur, actual reality: 16th in the Premier League table, one point above the relegation zone and mocked by League One leaders Lincoln City…
All in it together at Forest (so long as you’ve got a spare £70)
Also perhaps living in an alternative reality are Nottingham Forest, who have a big Europa League tie this Thursday against Danish side Midtjylland, with a place in the quarter-finals on offer for the winners.
For a club like Forest, with its rich history in European competitions, you’d expect the City Ground to be absolutely bouncing for that one. Should be good!
Hang on, though: as of Monday, thousands upon thousands of tickets remained unsold, with many Forest fans baulking at the prices; up to £70 in the Brian Clough Stand, £60 in many other areas and the ‘cheap seats’ behind the goals are £55.
Forest didn’t sell out for their last European home match against Fenerbahce, with an attendance of 26,883, when tickets were £50-£70.
What to do to rectify this situation and shift a few more tickets? Wheel out a club legend to speak over an emotive montage of course!
Stuart Pearce gave the rabble-rousing cry on social media: “The City Ground. Under the lights. Nothing like it. The Garibaldi unite on Trentside for another special night. Stronger as one, we’re in this together.” Yep, we’re all in this together… as long as you’ve got a spare £70.
All 27 quote-tweets and the vast majority of replies mentioned the exorbitant price of tickets. Incidentally, Midtjylland are charging €21 (£18.41, $24.35) for away tickets for Forest next week, so if you get a decent Ryanair flight, it’s probably cheaper to fly to Denmark to watch that one.
The aptly-named Sarcastic Forest said it best on X: “The City Ground, under the lights. Save on fuel and don’t see your relatives, forget your kids’ birthday presents, don’t worry about your mortgage, reduce your family’s food bill and tell your kids to go a bit hungry, spend 55 quid on #nffc. There’s nothing like it.”
Broking news at Chelsea
If ever a sentence summed up modern football, it might be this one from a recent Chelsea press release: “Chelsea Football Club and TMGM, the club’s Official Regional Online Forex and CFD Trading Partner in Asia-Pacific, today announce an enhancement to our multi-year partnership which sees the Australian-based broker unveiled on the back of the team’s shirts.”
Safety first for Arsenal
In other partnership-based news, Arsenal have joined forces with a new ‘Official Community Security Partner’ (their capital letters, not ours).
Arsenal told supporters they can expect new initiatives, educational content and opportunities to engage with ADT’s latest smart home security innovations.
It seems ADT is also being lined up to help with the football team’s bid to end a six-year wait for a major trophy.
The club’s chief commercial officer Juliet Slot said: “They are a brand that share our deep connection with community, with their support and investment helping to drive our ambition to win major trophies.”
We like it…. everyone at the club is in this together and if Manchester City steal the title away from Arsenal, maybe it won’t just be Mikel Arteta and the players who are to blame.
Evann’s future? It’s anyone’s Guess
Evann Guessand, one of the worst signings the Premier League has seen this season, is also one of the best signings the Premier League has seen this season.
Risible at Aston Villa, the Ivory Coast forward has been great for Crystal Palace on loan, with two goals and one assist in his seven appearances to date.
Given he scored two in 21 (with no assists) for Villa, Palace probably weren’t expecting their reported obligatory clause to buy Guessand to come into force, with Sky Sports reporting this week that if Guessand contributes eight goal involvements, they’ll have to buy him for £28m.
The notion of assists contributing to an obligatory transfer raises a few questions. One, come on, the data nerds at The Athletic will tell you an assist is not a definitive barometer as to how good a player is. Surely key chances created or xA (expected assists) would better reflect Guessand’s performances?
Also, it raises the possibility of Guessand being on seven goal involvements on the last day of the season, squaring a tap-in for Jorgen Strand Larsen and the striker having the decision to score for Guessand, or miss if he doesn’t like him.
Still, as any Wolves fan who watched Strand Larsen earlier this season will tell you, he’d probably miss anyway.
Six play-off teams: what will they think of next?
To the Championship now and what do you do if you have one of European football’s most exciting, thrilling, must-watch end-of-season climaxes year after year, with five games culminating in the world’s richest match at Wembley?
You tinker with the format of course! For decades, the third-plays-sixth and fourth-plays-fifth format has produced some of the most iconic matches in modern English football history.
The EFL is changing that from next season, inviting teams who finish as low as eighth to the party. The sides in fifth and sixth will host the teams in seventh and eighth in one-off matches, which definitely won’t lead to dull low blocks and smash-and-grab wins from the away side.
It throws up the possibility of a team in eighth place putting together a run of results to reach the Premier League. On average over the past five seasons, the team finishing eighth has lost 16 games per season (a third of their total matches) and finished 18 points behind the team in third, or as high as 24 points behind, as Millwall (66 points, 16 defeats) did last year.
It all feels a bit unnecessary. Next it’ll be the top 10 in the play-offs, then the top 12, then eventually they’ll come up with a brainwave of all 24 teams playing each other twice, with the top few teams earning promotion. Decent idea, to be fair, someone should try it.