What a weird, spirited, disappointing, strangely encouraging match that was. Tottenham Hotspur outplayed what was a pretty garbage Liverpool performance at the Tottenham Hotspur Stadium on Saturday, but couldn’t get out of their own way. Xavi Simons picked up a stupid VAR-upgraded red for a rash challenge on Virgil van Dijk, Cuti Romero picked up a second yellow (also bull) late and was also sent off, Liverpool scored a goal that never should’ve counted, there was some of the worst refereeing I’ve ever seen in professional football, and Tottenham still nearly got a result, rallying late and nearly equalizing while down two men. The final score was a 1-2 loss, but for once the anger I was feeling was not because of how Tottenham Hotspur played football under Thomas Frank.
Steve Martin is, and will forever be, my favorite comedian. I grew up listening to his early ‘70s absurdist, banjo-centric stand-up on LP, and have followed his career ever since I was a kid from smoky comedy club stages to movies and to his professional bluegrass music career. One summer when I was in my early teens my older brother and I set out to watch (on VHS!) every movie that Steve’s been in, starting with his cameos in The Muppet Movie and the awful Movers and Shakers to his rom-com hits of the late ‘80s and early ‘90s. We were successful, much to our incredibly patient parents’ chagrin, and it cemented our love and respect for his comedy chops, physical comedy gifts, and timing.
The idea for this theme came from another reader whom I can’t remember, but it’s a good one and I thank whomever it was for sending me back down memory lane. Since our summer movie marathon, Martin has been in so many more movies so it makes this one of those super large categories that can’t be properly contained in a five-star Tottenham Hotspur player review system. But dammit, I’m going to give it my best shot, though I’ll limit it to movies that he’s had a starring or major supporting role in and not just a cameo.
Here are your Tottenham Hotspur player ratings to the theme of Steve Martin movies.
There are other Steve Martin that are more popular, and several that are higher rated by movie-goers, but for me Dirty Rotten Scoundrels is Steve Martin at the peak of his film comedy. Pairing Steve, playing a small-time con-man with Michael Caine, a sophisticated grifter, makes for some excellent comedic moments, especially the “Ruprecht” scenes. The plot is ridiculous, but Martin and Caine obviously had an incredible time making this movie and they play so well together. A masterpiece.
No Tottenham players in this category.
No Tottenham players in this category.
Steve does zany, physical comedy incredibly well, but he’s just as comfortable playing a straight man (see Planes, Trains, and Automobiles, which probably deserves to be on this list and yet isn’t) or a comedic foil. As he aged, he tended towards these kinds of roles; this is an earlier one and one of the best. Martin low-plays the jokes in this family comedy as a relatable dad. He doesn’t steal the show in this one, but he’s a wonderful cog in an ensemble cast that sells the premise.
Djed Spence (Community — 3.5): Pleased with Djed on this one. Got forward and behind Liverpool’s back line on a number of occasions. Three stand out — the one vs. Bradley that led to the bullshit foul call on him, the chip into the box for Kolo Muani’s header, and the should’ve-been-a-penalty shout that ended up a bullshit non-call.
Richarlison (Community — 4.0): Came out playing with an edge likely borne out by anger and frustration at the situation. Got shoved down in the box (no call, lol), got up immediately, and poked a ball home to give Spurs a chance. Had an equalizer blocked later on. Pru pru, motherf—ers.
I will always love The Jerk. Is it a perfect comedy movie? Nah. There are some jokes that were funny at the time that didn’t age well (although I will defend the “born a poor black child” who can’t dance scene to the death and it’s obvious he treats the bit with the social and racial respect it deserves) but the physical comedy and the sheer volume of yucks is off the scale and it has so many bits (“The phone books are here!” “I don’t need anyone… except this paddleball…” “He hates these cans! Stay away from the cans!”) that I still quote to my bewildered children decades later. One of the best movies from Steve’s “Wild and Crazy Guy” post-SNL era.
Pedro Porro (Community — 3.0): Looked sharp in the opening half hour but was significantly neutered going forward after Xavi’s red card. He’s frequently hot and cold on his delivery, and this time he was pretty lukewarm, but overall it was a decent outing.
Micky van de Ven (Community — 3.5): Did well to cover defensively, though he couldn’t quite get a touch on Isak’s goal. Ignore all the Liverpool trolls — that was a good sliding challenge on Isak and not at all dirty; sometimes injuries happen on clean challenges and that was one of them.
Randal Kolo Muani (Community — 3.0): Went close with a soft header in the first half, had a deflected shot off the crossbar in the second, and got into numerous dangerous positions. Happy with that performance, even if he needed to score one of them.
As a kid, this was one of Steve’s movies that I kept coming back to again and again. This was the very first collaboration with Martin’s long-time friend and co-conspirator Martin Short, along with Chevy Chase, who makes an odd third wheel, but one that remarkably works in a zany and stupid-in-a-good-way Mexican comedy. The jokes don’t always land, especially after nearly 30 years, but the ones that do REALLY do (I still use the phrase “Would you say you have a… plethora of piñatas?” in public. Those who know, know.)
Guglielmo Vicario (Community — 3.0): Yes, he was awful with the ball at his feet… again. Couldn’t really do anything to prevent either goal and had a few smart saves otherwise.
Rodrigo Bentancur (Community — 3.0): Worked his tail off in midfield, especially after Xavi’s red. No real complaints about him this time, which is a nice thing to say.
Archie Gray (Community — 3.0): Continue to be pleased with Archie’s progression in midfield this season. If nothing else, we can say that this is the year Archie turned into a good, useful player.
Lucas Bergvall (Community — 3.0): Interesting tactical wrinkle to play Lucas in the left-sided half-space in lieu of a true left winger. He tucked in a LOT and dragged defenders with him which gave Spence freedom to bomb forward. A workman-like match for him with little to show for it.
Thomas Frank (Community — 2.5): I don’t think you can judge Frank too harshly for this loss as really none of it was on him, there was historic referee ineptitude, and he actually got Spurs to outplay a pretty terrible Liverpool side. That said, I don’t think this performance told us too much either. Three stars feels fair.
Brennan Johnson (Community — 3.0): This felt like a match where Brennan’s unique skills could’ve made a difference from the beginning. As it was, he set up Richarlison for a chance and did his best while Spurs were down a man. Was this his farewell match before he fucks off to Palace?
Peter Sellers’ Inspector Clouseau is one of the great comedy characters in movie history. If you’re going to make those movies you better get a lead that can knock it out of the park. The problem is that as good as Steve is at physical comedy, you can’t out-GOAT the GOAT. Steve didn’t have a lot of material to work with in this movie (or its sequel) but I think he realized he’ll never be funnier then Sellers and kind of phones it in.
Cuti Romero (Community — 2.0): His cheap pass and giveaway set up Isak for Liverpool’s first goal. I won’t get on him too much for the second yellow because of extenuating circumstances — John Brooks got so many things wrong (shove on Cuti for Liverpool’s second goal, bullshit dissent yellow card, failure to call a foul on Konate) that getting sent off feels unfair. But this wasn’t an especially good match for Spurs’ club captain irrespective of the sending off.
Joao Palhinha (Community — 2.5): Not much of an impact in this one, though we can thank his whiff in the box for setting up Richarlison.
Wilson Odobert (Community — 2.5): Tough for me to judge him too harshly since Spurs were down to nine men for much of his cameo, but I wanted to see a little more attacking with the ball.
I really wanted to like this movie, but I didn’t. A noir spoof starring Steve Martin directed by Carl Reiner? Yes please! And you can tell Steve also really wanted this to work. But this was a brilliant short film idea expanded out to movie-length and the bit falls a bit too flat, as do many of the jokes. A shame, as Martin seemed to really want this to work — you can tell he was really going for it here.
Mohammed Kudus (Community — 2.0): Seriously, what’s the point of this guy? Even before the sending off I was screaming at him slowing down in transitions, killing counterattack possibilities, and dribbling into trouble over and over and over. I wasn’t wild about his transfer at the time, and I’m even less wild about what he brings to this team now.
Xavi Simons (Community — 1.5): You don’t ruin the bit. What an incredibly stupid challenge to make on Van Dijk. I’d argue it was more of an orange card exacerbated by watching it slowed down on VAR, but I’m not arguing the sending off at all. It was rash, impetuous, and awful and even though the rest of the team came out firing afterwards, this was a Liverpool team there for the taking and Xavi tied one of Spurs’ hands behind its back.
Another family comedy with Steve as the comedic foil, but this time co-starring Queen Latifah as an escaped con who must convince people that the bumbling divorcee Martin is a “perfect romantic match” to avoid going back to prison. Latifah seems to be having a ball but nobody else in the theaters were. In contrast to The Jerk, the racial stereotype jokes were somewhat problematic then and especially are now.
John Brooks: I read after this match that this was just the fifth Premier League match this guy has officiated. He should not do another one. Words cannot express how uniformly awful this officiating was. I am generally not a “blame the ref” guy but in this case, I put about 65% of the loss on him and his stupid, insane decisions in a match that he had clearly lost control of. Don’t worry, I’m sure the PGMOL will issue an apology and make all of us feel better.
Universally considered the worst Steve Martin movie ever made, and who am I to say otherwise? Just a disaster from start to finish, and you can tell Steve phones this one in. Oh well, not every movie’s going to be a banger. But if you’re doing a Steve-O-Thon this holiday season, you can safely skip this one, I won’t tell.
No Tottenham Hotspur players were as bad as Mixed Nuts.
Little Shop of Horrors Memorial Non-Rating
Mathys Tel
Erik Lamela Memorial Shithouse Award
Richarlison: Given only for him squaring up to Szoboszlai after the goal to give him a little extra business. That’s a proper shithouse move for our shithouse pigeon.