Football365

Former Netherlands international Willem van Hanegem claims that Ronald Koeman would not have been impressed by how Xavi Simons reacted to his stunning strike in Tottenham’s 2-2 draw with Brighton last weekend.

The summer signing from RB Leipzig produced his best display in a Spurs shirt to date, certainly in the Premier League, as he delivered an assist for Pedro Porro’s opener before scoring with a curling effort in the second period.

It wasn’t enough to give Tottenham their first league win of 2026, something they will go in search of again at already-relegated Wolves on Saturday. And while Xavi earned plaudits for his wonderstrike and all-round display against the Seagulls, not everyone was impressed.

Indeed, former Spurs striker Les Ferdinand admitted last week that he did not like Xavi’s wild celebration after his goal, with the pundit pointing out that the Tottenham players still needed to focus with more than 10 minutes of the game still remaining.

And now Van Hanegem has also taken aim at the 22-year-old attacking midfielder, suggesting that the manager would have taken Xavi off in his era had he celebrated like that.

The Feyenoord legend also accused Xavi of playing for himself rather than the team, suggesting that his international boss Koeman would not have been impressed with his histrionics.

Van Hanegem said about the Tottenham star, as per PSV Inside: “If a player like that had played in our era, and the manager didn’t want to take him off, then the players certainly would have taken him off themselves.

“If Koeman sees this now, wouldn’t he have something to say about it? Xavi Simons always plays his own game. It is truly terrible to watch.”

Xavi admits Tottenham struggles in debut season

‘Terrible to watch’ is a bit of a stretch given how high emotions were running at Tottenham Hotspur Stadium and the potential magnitude of the strike.

Xavi has also been under growing pressure, having failed to shine in his first season in north London after his £51million summer switch.

Indeed, the Dutch attacker has managed only six goals and seven assists in 42 games in all competitions for Tottenham in his debut campaign.

And, speaking after the game last weekend, Xavi revealed just how tough it’s been adjusting to life in Europe’s highest-profile league.

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He told the club’s official website: “Yeah, I’ve been through a difficult journey, I would say, this season.

“It’s life. I have to take it. I’m still young, I have to learn things. I’m really happy that the coach is here, for me especially.

“I want to play football, I want to help the team to score and assist. I want to help the team to go through this situation, together as a team is the most important thing, but yeah, these are the kind of games that I want to be on the pitch, and I want to show everyone that I can help the team.”

Micky van de Ven will “almost certainly leave” if Tottenham are relegated from the Premier League and amid interest from Manchester United and Liverpool there’s “only one decision” the centre-back will make.

Tottenham currently sit in the relegation zone, two points from West Ham and safety, as new manager Roberto De Zerbi looks to save them from the drop.

Van de Ven has starred for Spurs since joining in a £35m move from Wolfsburg in the summer of 2023 and has been heavily linked with an exit for some time, with rumours of his departure increasing amid the increasing prospect of relegation.

A £100m price tag has been slapped on his head with Liverpool thought to be particularly interested in his services, though dropping out of the Premier League would no doubt mean he became available at a knock-down price.

Transfer expert Ben Jacobs has told The United Stand that Van de Ven will “almost certainly leave” if Spurs go down.

“If Spurs go down, Van de Ven will almost certainly leave, if Tottenham stay up, it’s a slightly different situation because Cristian Romero is still likely to leave and Van de Ven may be harder to get,” Jacobs said

“I’m told by Tottenham sources, if Spurs stay up Romero is still likely to leave and better chance now of Van de Ven extending at Tottenham than going after the appointment of Roberto De Zerbi.”

But where will Van de Ven go?

Jacobs also revealed where the Dutchman is likely to land with Manchester United also “keeping an eye” on his situation.

He added: “He is someone Man United are keeping an eye on. There has been no approach to Spurs and as of now there has been zero approach to the player side from Manchester United.

“Liverpool are also in the market for another defender as well. Liverpool, like Man United, it’s more an internal conversation but the bad news for Man United on Micky van de Ven is if, and it is an ‘if’, Liverpool enter the race, Van de Ven is only making one decision between Liverpool and Manchester United, and he is picking Liverpool. And I say that with absolute confidence, if both clubs were to enter the race, Van de Ven’s preference would be Liverpool over Manchester United.

“He would be linking up with Virgil van Dijk, Van Dijk will be going in a season because his contract expires, he knows Van Dijk, he has the opportunity to partner Van Dijk and then move over to the left side and he is also a Liverpool fan in terms of him and his family.

“If Liverpool enter the race, it would be bad news for all suitors.”

Manchester United legends Roy Keane and Gary Neville both believe Tottenham Hotspur will come away with all three points from their must-win trip to already relegated Wolves on Saturday, although Ian Wright does not agree.

Roberto De Zerbi’s side missed a huge opportunity to move out of the bottom three after suffering a late sucker punch against Brighton at home last weekend.

The result, coupled with West Ham’s draw at Crystal Palace on Monday evening, means Tottenham sit two points behind the 17th-placed Hammers with five games remaining in a race to avoid the drop that could go down the wire.

However, Spurs need to break their sequence of not having won a Premier League game in 2026, starting with their trip to Molineux, as time runs out for the north London side.

And, according to both Keane and Neville they should get the job done, after showing signs of improvement in De Zerbi’s second game in charge against the in-form Seagulls.

Debating on the Stick To Football YouTube channel, Keane said: “3-1 Spurs. Do you know, it’s about time they showed a bit of fight, a bit of energy. A couple of lads coming back. Was Maddison on the bench (last weekend)? Spurs’ll be fine.

However, former Arsenal striker Ian Wright, perhaps more in hope than expectation, added: “I actually think Wolves will get something.”

Meanwhile, Neville, who doesn’t “see Spurs being comfortable” in the game, is still expecting a crucial win for De Zerbi’s men, adding: “I don’t think Wolves will win. I think Tottenham are going to score a late winner. 2-1.”

Tottenham suffer another injury ahead of Wolves clash

Tottenham, meanwhile, look to have suffered another injury blow ahead of the clash at Molineux, with Destiny Udogie set to miss the all-important clash.

No sooner had De Zerbi arrived at the club than he was hit with two more injury problems, with winger Mohammed Kudus suffering a setback in his recovery from a quad issue, while club skipper Cristian Romero is out for the remainder of the campaign after picking up a knee injury in the defeat at Sunderland.

De Zerbi is already without Dejan Kulusevski, Wilson Odobert and Ben Davies and now it’s emerged that left-back Udogie, who has only just returned from a hamstring issue and started both De Zerbi’s games in charge so far, is likely to miss out against Wolves.

The Sun reports that the Italy international could be set for more time on the sidelines, with Djed Spence set to return to the side in Udogie’s absence.

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There is better news on Guglielmo Vicario and James Maddison, however, with the former primed to return in goal after missing the last two games following hernia surgery.

Maddison was also back on the bench for the Brighton clash, after fully recovering from his ACL injury, and has a chance of getting some minutes under his belt this weekend.

According to reports, Xabi Alonso has become a ‘top target’ for Chelsea and he wants them to sign a Tottenham Hotspur star this summer.

Alonso is one of the best available managers in Europe after exiting Real Madrid at the start of this year, but he could soon return to football.

The former Bayer Leverkusen boss has been heavily linked with a potential return to the Premier League, with Liverpool, Manchester City and Chelsea mentioned as possible destinations.

It initially felt inevitable that Alonso would return to Liverpool to replace Arne Slot, but the Dutchman could remain at Anfield after moving a step closer to securing Champions League football over the weekend.

And a report on Wednesday morning claimed Chelsea are the ‘new destination’ for Alonso, who appears to be a contender to replace current head coach Liam Rosenior.

READ: Chelsea eye ‘five managers’ to replace Rosenior; Spurs star to replace ‘Man Utd flop’

Under Rosenior, Chelsea have lost seven of their last eight games as their hopes of qualifying for the Champions League have dramatically faded.

Rosenior was always going to be up against it at Chelsea due to his limited experience, but reports in recent weeks have indicated that club chiefs intend to stick with the head coach heading into next season.

However, they could be forced to make a U-turn as Rosenior’s position is close to becoming untenable.

A new report from Spanish outlet Fichajes claims Alonso is one of the ‘top targets’ to replace Rosenior and he has demanded the signing of Spurs centre-back Micky van de Ven as a ‘first request’.

The report claims:

‘Chelsea’s interest in Xabi Alonso is strong, but the manager also has his own demands. The Spaniard wouldn’t arrive alone and has already begun to convey his ideas to the English club’s board. Among his requests, Micky van de Ven stands out. The centre-back, currently at Tottenham Hotspur, is one of the players the manager considers essential to building his project.

‘Van de Ven stands out for his speed, his ability to cover large areas, and his ball distribution, qualities that perfectly fit Xabi Alonso’s style of play. His signing would be a key reinforcement for Chelsea’s defence.’

‘D-Day’ for Rosenior at Chelsea revealed

And according to our colleagues at TEAMtalk, Sunday’s FA Cup semi-final against Leeds United is considered ‘sack D-Day’ for Rosenior, with it noted that a ‘loss could be disastrous for the head coach’.

The report explains:

‘We can reveal that their stance could shift dramatically this weekend. Should results show no sign of improvement and Chelsea crash out of the FA Cup, the board will move to explore alternatives in earnest.

‘Should Rosenior fail to turn things around, Chelsea are determined to have a new head coach in place for the summer, allowing time for proper integration ahead of the next campaign and the transfer window.’

Liverpool could sign Randal Kolo Muani from Tottenham in the summer as they continue to look to improve their attack, according to reports.

The Reds spent over £400m on new players in the summer transfer window as Fenway Sports Group committed big sums to marquee players Alexander Isak and Florian Wirtz.

Liverpool have struggled under Arne Slot this season, after winning the Premier League title in his first term, with the Reds currently fifth in the table.

The Reds are on course to qualify for the Champions League, thanks to the Premier League getting five spaces this season, but Slot’s side have been extremely underwhelming in most competitions.

Liverpool were expected to build on the success they experienced last season but they have actually regressed under Slot and the Dutchman faces a big summer of change.

Mohamed Salah has already revealed that he will leave Liverpool in the summer and the Reds are looking through potential options to replace him.

READ: Mo Salah will wear new Liverpool 2026/27 kit as Adidas reveals plans

According to Italian newspaper Gazzetta Dello Sport, Liverpool ‘have identified’ Tottenham striker Kolo Muani ‘as a potential replacement for Salah’.

And the Reds are ‘sounding alarm bells’ at Juventus over their interest in the France international as the Italian side had him down as one of their top targets.

It is expected that the fee they will ask for ‘will be around €35 ​m (£30m), fully within Juventus parameters, as will his salary of around €7 million per year.’

Liverpool sees ‘Kolo Muani as a player capable of replacing the Egyptian in the squad, thanks to his versatility and ability to operate even off the right flank.’

The report in Italy adds: ‘This is a characteristic he has also shown sporadically this season with Tottenham, but especially for the national team, where the center-forward spot is Mbappé’s exclusive possession.’

Yan Diomande is more likely to be Salah’s replacement at Liverpool

Despite the suggestions that Kolo Muani could be a replacement for Salah, Sky Germany reporter Florian Plettenberg insisted earlier this week that Liverpool decision-makers have ‘approved’ a move for RB Leipzig winger Yan Diomande.

Plettenberg wrote on X: ‘Yan Diomande is now Liverpool’s top target to replace Mo Salah, with the move approved by all #LFC decision-makers.

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‘Concrete talks are ongoing with his new representatives at Roc Nation Sports, although no agreement has been reached yet and the clubs have not entered negotiations.

‘RB Leipzig are keen to adjust his salary and extend his contract. PSG, led by Luis Campos, are also in the race and have already held a meeting with his agents.’

Sky Germany’s Philipp Hinze added: “RB Leipzig are now demanding more than €100m for Yan Diomande.

“Since qualification for the Champions League is very realistic, Leipzig no longer have financial pressure to sell. Diomande’s value is rising.

“The €20m transfer fee paid to Leganés last summer has, in the club’s view, more than quintupled in value.

“Meanwhile, Leipzig are planning a contract adjustment, including a salary increase, to keep Diomande until 2027.

“Leipzig are fighting to retain the Ivorian for another season. But: Diomande is not untouchable. Depends on potential offers.”

Liam Rosenior is understandably in the crosshairs after Chelsea’s defeat at Brighton on Tuesday night.

But there’s also manager updates from Liverpool, a transfer story about Manchester United that is not in fact about Manchester United, and a refreshingly laid-back Pep Guardiola despite a Man City injury crisis.

Oh, and a pun so bad it’s actually made us ill.

Panic on the streets of London

Spurs, Arsenal and Chelsea are all now firmly in crisis mode as the run-in intensifies, with ongoing potential for West Ham to reacquire that status. What a time to be alive. As the saying so very nearly goes, when a man is tired of London football clubs in crisis, he is tired of life.

Chelsea and LinkedIn Liam very much today’s focus, of course, after last night’s genuinely horrific defeat at Brighton.

The Daily Express, always a steady, rational voice of calm and reason in even the most troubled times, have the solution.

Chelsea can appoint five managers this week to rescue season after Liam Rosenior disaster

To be honest, we really think and would strongly recommend that they should just pick one. Even by Chelsea standards, five managers in a week is just clearly far too many. They are fools to have even considered it.

Missing words round

Another cracking edition of everyone’s* favourite almost daily quiz, courtesy of the Daily Mirror.

How Liverpool could line up under Fernando Torres as he’s backed to ‘definitely’ be new boss

The all-important words for which there was, alas, no space to be found at all are this time ‘by Fernando Llorente’.

But there’s bonus content today, you lucky people. This one’s for the really seasoned headline watchers among you. What else do you notice that’s slightly odd about the phrasing of that headline?

That’s right – ‘new boss’. Doesn’t say next boss, does it? Heavily implies next boss, especially with its ‘How Liverpool could line up’ hook, but doesn’t actually say it.

Which is despicably clever because, and you’ll be way ahead of us by now, Llorente didn’t say next boss. He said:

‘Fernando Torres as Liverpool manager one day? Definitely.’

He is not at all saying Torres will or even should replace Arne Slot.

Yet here the Mirror are using that ‘definitely’ to show us how the current squad for next season could line up under Torres.

The answer to which is: much like they could under any other manager, with the only significant changes being Dominik Szoboszlai moving to Mo Salah’s old perch on the right and confirmed new arrival Jeremy Jacquet taking Virgil van Dijk’s starting place. Which we’re a bit less sure about, but doesn’t in any case seem like it would be a specifically Torres move.

Three is the magic number

Manchester City are all set to go top of the Premier League tonight when they face almost-relegated Burnley, but don’t give up just yet, Arsenal fans, for there is a twist afoot.

Three Man City stars ruled out of Burnley clash as Pep Guardiola confirms injury blow

About time someone else got the injury crisis, eh? But let’s look into these three setbacks.

The first two are Ruben Dias and Josko Gvardiol, both of whom were already injured and neither of whom anyone had expected to return against Burnley.

The third is Rodri and, listen, fair play, this is at least a new injury and to another player who qualifies for ‘star’ status

But what did Guardiola actually say about him?

“I think he will not be ready for tomorrow and we will see for the next games. Maybe [he will be back for] the semi-final with Southampton or in 12 or 13 days against Everton.”

So two already ruled-out stars still ruled out, and one new one not actually entirely but probably ruled out. For a game that is, it must be stressed, against a Burnley side that has now managed to drop below even Spurs in the form table. Maybe don’t restart the parade planning just yet, Gunners.

Guardiola mused

Guardiola himself doesn’t seem too worried about that mounting injury crisis.

Regular readers will know Mediawatch does enjoy a pithy, succinct Daily Mail headline but we might have a new favourite.

Why composed Pep Guardiola is more relaxed than ever despite the weight of history resting on his shoulders as his Man City juggernaut chases down Arsenal, writes JACK GAUGHAN

Did Jack Gaughan write this, or was it actually Pep Guardiola? Put… ‘Guardiola is refreshingly laid-back for a man with such responsibility’.

And that headline is absolutely not writing cheques the copy can’t cash.

But as the microphone moved on to the next question, his inquisitive nature took over. He asked for further explanation, leaning over the desk to listen properly.

Guardiola mused and then replied…

And it goes on like this. Here’s just one gigantic adoring paragraph among so, so many.

The eve of City’s trip to east Lancashire, the 31 miles north to Burnley, felt like Guardiola delivering a sermon on how he has won six of these things already. He’s cracking wise about Arsenal’s past, he’s saying that he feels nerveless heading into the final six matches of this campaign. He’s offering why City remain level-headed, while telling his players to continue celebrating wildly despite criticism from Wayne Rooney. His performance in front of the cameras on Tuesday portrayed both a man in touch with the emotions attached to the run-in and capable of leaving doubt at the door.

Pep quipped… and, well, you get the idea with that. And that.

We will never tire of journalists placing so much emphasis and importance on what managers do and say in press conferences or indeed how they do and say it. Guardiola is obviously doing pretty well right now in the more humdrum arena of actual football as well, sure, but that’s far from mandatory.

As long as your presser performances remain up to scratch, you can get away with almost anything on the pitch. Look at how much water the media carried – and continue to carry – for Thomas Frank this season.

The Flop

Clever stuff here from the Daily Express. Obviously there are going to be a host of stories about Spurs players leaving the club this summer, but how to make a rumour linking one of them with a move to Turkey really stand out from the crowd?

Like this, of course.

Pape Matar Sarr’s agents ‘contacted’ as Tottenham star lined-up to replace Man Utd flop

Fred, who left Old Trafford in 2023, is the ‘Man Utd flop’ in question and thus Fenerbahce the team doing the reported lining up and/or contacting in a story that has absolutely nothing to do with Manchester United whatsoever but does manage to get their name into both the headline and URL. Fancy that.

Leicer of two evils

We have absolutely nothing constructive to say about or add to this Sun pun on Leicester’s downfall.

LESS & LEIC

Other than to note that we’ve been looking at it for about 37 minutes and can now feel a migraine coming on.

Jamie Carragher believes Leeds United’s impressive recent away record will come to an end when they travel to face Bournemouth on Wednesday – but the pundit is adamant that the Whites have more than enough to secure survival, while a Sky Sports colleague has explained why the relegation pressure is likely to be “too much” for Tottenham Hotspur.

Leeds United are in a very good place right now. Daniel Farke’s side are through to their first FA Cup semi-final since 1987, where they face Chelsea at Wembley on Sunday, while successive Premier League wins over Manchester United and Wolves mean they have an eight-point buffer between themselves and the relegation zone.

With just five games of the Premier League season remaining, Opta gives Leeds just a 0.4% chance of suffering relegation.

However, while Farke continues to insist Leeds cannot afford to rest easy in what the German has called a “relentless season”, both Carragher and Dean Ashton believe the Whites have more than enough about them to remain in the top flight.

Indeed, while Carragher thinks Leeds’ eight-game unbeaten run on their travels will be given a thorough test by Bournemouth on Wednesday, he is adamant the Whites are destined to finish with an impressive tally this season.

“Bournemouth away is a tough game, Burnley at home is a game you would expect almost every team in the division to win,” Carragher said on Sky Sports.

“Look, it’s interesting when you look at Tottenham away.

“I just think for Tottenham, that’s a game that nothing else can happen but that they [Spurs] win that game no matter what.”

Carragher also expects Leeds to come up trumps against Brighton at Elland Road, but reckons they will lose on the final day of the season against West Ham at the London Stadium.

As a result, the pundit thinks Farke’s side will finish the campaign with an impressive points tally of 45.

GO DEEPER: Leeds relegation chances now clear as Tottenham, Nott’m Forest, West Ham learn point-by-point survival guide

Pundit claims Leeds pressure on Tottenham will be too much

Stood alongside him in the Sky Sports studios, fellow pundit Dean Ashton – on the panel to assess West Ham’s chances of survival after the Hammers dug out a battling 0-0 draw at Crystal Palace – believes the resurgence of Leeds and his former side could prove too great for Spurs.

No team has ever been relegated in Premier League history having accrued 39 points, as Leeds have, by matchday 33.

Assessing their chances and the predicament Tottenham find themselves in, Ashton said:

Leeds have it. All those teams down there want to be Leeds. They have shown them all up, really. I think 39 points will be enough to keep you up,” Ashton said.

“I think Leeds’ win over Wolves on Saturday will be enough to keep them up now.

“I might be proved wrong, but I think it’s such a tough task, with so few games left, for Tottenham to gather that amount of points when there is that much pressure.”

A draw for Leeds at Bournemouth will take the Whites up to the magical 40-point mark, while a win will see them achieve the 10-win target Farke set his players at the start of the season.

For Spurs, they simply must win at Wolves this weekend just to stay in touch, and the fear for Roberto De Zerbi’s side is that the West Yorkshire side will be out of reach by the time they meet at the Tottenham Hotspur Stadium on Monday, 11 May.

In March, we came up with the 10 funniest things that could happen over the last couple of months of the season.

The last couple of months of the season is now the last month of the season, and we’re delighted to report that a lot of what were in many cases deliberately outlandish predictions – because obvious, straightforward things are rarely funny – are either very much on track or have been superseded by other new and still quite humorous possibilities.

What we said then we’ll say again now: we really are sorry, Spurs and Arsenal, but your continued misery features prominently.

Let’s revisit last month’s badinage and see where we’re at with these.

Tottenham relegated

Yes. Very much so. We chortled about it like it was already inevitable back in March and it’s only grown more certain in the weeks since.

Spurs have been a kind of reverse Man City since the new year. Only in the last fortnight have they actually fallen into the relegation zone, yet the sheer unstoppable force of their momentum has made their downfall feel utterly inevitable for absolutely ages.

You do have to hand it to Spurs, though. Nobody torments their own fanbase quite like these absolute bastards. Every time you sense Spurs fans coming to terms with their fate, even if it does involve entering some kind of fugue state, along they come with a fresh supply of false hope mined from the very bottom of the barrel only to then snatch it away again.

The Brighton game genuinely ought to be illegal under some kind of human rights legislation. Even games that aren’t Spurs games are getting involved now. Before Forest v Burnley, you’d imagine Spurs fans were at peace with the idea that Forest would almost certainly win that.

But 1-0 down at half-time having mustered barely a shot? Hello. But, of course, other teams are not like Spurs. Other teams don’t just give up when they suffer one setback in a match. Forest won 4-1, obviously. Morgan Gibbs-White, keen to join Spurs last summer, scored a hat-trick, obviously.

The first rule of Spursy is that the Spursiest thing will always happen.

Even West Ham’s total inability to lay a glove on a barely-there Crystal Palace whose focus now lies entirely on the Conference League is part of the conspiracy.

Had West Ham won, as they surely would have done had they attempted to do so earlier than the last 30 seconds of added time, Spurs would surely be resigned to their fate for the final, decisive time.

Now? All manner of ‘If we can just beat Wolves…’ prognostications have started bubbling up once more. Oh my sweet summer child, of course you aren’t going to beat Wolves. Your next win is obviously going to be at Chelsea after you’ve already been relegated.

Arsenal remain potless

And cruel irony isn’t restricted to the white half of north London. The red half are every bit as good at it.

What a vicious twist that Arsenal remembered they actually are quite good at football just at the moment it really might all be too late.

They were excellent at the Etihad and could easily have walked away with a point or even three. But they didn’t, and now face banterpocalypse.

And even in our wildest ‘funniest outcome’ fever dreams we didn’t have ‘getting knocked out of the FA Cup by Southampton’ on the bingo card. We were more on a ‘finish second in everything’ daydream back then. In fairness, losing to Southampton is probably less bad from an Arsenal standpoint.

Shrewd of them to avoid the ‘four silver medals’ outcome. It’s something. But we have found ourselves idly wondering something in our weaker moments in recent days. Suspend your disbelief for a second and just imagine that Spurs somehow stay up – we know, but stay with us here.

If that happens, which theoretically it still could, and if Arsenal finish second in the Premier League and don’t win the Champions League – very possibly as a result of some Harry Kane unpleasantness or other for added cruelty points – which of the two North London clubs is happier at the end of the season?

It’s the absolute f*cking idiots who’ve somehow finished 17th again isn’t it? Football is utterly ridiculous.

Liverpool win Champions League

Ah! Well. Nevertheless,

It was all going so well, wasn’t it? But when your first two ideas are looking even more solid than they did initially, you can allow yourself a whiff or two. Especially when you look at what comes next on this list.

The thrust of what we wanted to achieve from Liverpool winning the Champions League isn’t completely lost. It was to muddy the Slot Out waters. Liverpool fans quite reasonably wanting to get rid of a manager who had, in the space of two seasons, matched Jurgen Klopp’s tally of Premier League AND Champions League titles would have been truly spectacular but also very greedy on our part.

We can’t have that, alas, and it was always asking a lot. We’ll have to settle for the fact that Liverpool are going to qualify for the Champions League with a double-digit cushion and hope that serves to make the season sufficiently confusing.

No, it isn’t anywhere near as good as winning in Budapest would have been. No, it isn’t anywhere near as funny. But sometimes when life gives you lemons, you have to make Mrs Brown’s Boys.

Man City win domestic treble

We’re so back. Even a month ago this was still a bit ‘Technically they could now, you know. Technically’. Now it only takes two odds-on shots to land for it to happen.

And it will still tick all the boxes we had a month ago. A Man City treble win – matching a feat only they have previously achieved and that even the great Sir Alex Ferguson regarded as essentially unattainable – would be extraordinary in itself, but mainly for the fact nobody would really care.

It simply isn’t this season of Barclays’ primary narrative arc and never will be. It’s a secondary-character story viewed entirely through the way it impacts the anti-hero protaganists at Arsenal and even Spurs.

In years to come, the most memorable Man City figure from this season won’t be Guardiola or Haaland or Cherki or Silva or O’Reilly. It will be him with the Arsenal water bottle at Stamford Bridge.

As we said last time out:

Nobody will ever talk about City winning the league if they do so this season, will they? They will talk long and hard and with great joy about Arsenal losing it. It would become even less about City than their 2013/14 title, one that is now so exclusively remembered through the prism of Liverpool’s collapse against Chelsea that we still think a sizeable percentage of really quite keen football fans will have a rock-solid false memory of Chelsea in fact being the league winners that season.

Spurs and Arsenal launch joint legal campaign against Man City

With absolutely everything above involving these three going flawlessly to plan at this stage, we can just leave this here with no notes or addenda required.

With Spurs finishing 18th and Arsenal second behind Man City yet again, the two rivals set aside well over a century of mutual loathing to embark on a mortifying and desperate joint legal battle with the aim of getting the 60-point punishment that everyone now agrees seems just about spot on for whatever squiffy business City were up to for all those years applied to the season just finished because reasons.

Fans of both Spurs and Arsenal will unanimously agree that this whole sorry attempt at an AFCON-style retcon shows just how embarrassing the other club really is.

Forest win Europa League and finish 17th

This one still has legs, but does require some new footnotes.

An absolutely brilliant bit last season. In our view, the Premier League should go full Stewart Lee with this one. Just keep on having teams win the Europa League while finishing 17th every season until it stops being funny and then continue having teams win the Europa League while finishing 17th until it becomes funny again. And then keep on having teams win the Eur… well, you get the idea with that.

Bonus points to Forest, of course, for winning the Europa League at all when they didn’t even qualify for it. Not even Spurs managed that.

Next season their challenge is to pretty much win the same number of Champions League games as Premier League games. We already know they’re perfectly happy to appoint former Tottenham managers with comically disastrous recent Premier League records, so getting Thomas Frank in to oversee proceedings shouldn’t be an issue.

Forest winning the Europa has the added bonus of extending Aston Villa’s absurd trophy drought and once again placing their fans atop a tightrope where they must attempt their delicate, awkward balancing act of insisting Villa are simultaneously a very big boy who should be taken seriously but also too teeny and tiny to be expected to ever actually win anything.

It was always harsh to expect any other club to match Spurs in the absurdist banter stakes, even one as thoroughly capable of both the sublime and ridiculous as Forest. And listen, fair play, they’ve given it a red hot crack. But it does look now, alas, like they are just a bit too cowardly to finish 17th and are probably going to finish 16th instead.

No shame in that for Forest, of course. Spurs really are just built different.

Crystal Palace win Conference League

Still very much on. Still every chance Oliver Glasner goes out by adding yet another trophy to the previously empty shelves at Selhurst Park and makes London very much the Conference League trophy’s natural home.

Double funny if both Forest and Palace oblige and each end up winning the competition the other was supposed to be in.

If you’ll allow a brief moment of seriousness to creep in here – don’t worry, we’re taking the p*ss out of Liam Rosenior in a minute, we promise – we do rather suspect that a blueprint for European football has been established over the last couple of seasons.

English teams will do well enough in the Champions League, but never dominate it. There are too many other big clubs around for that to happen. The Premier League’s advantage in continental competition is not that their best team is necessarily better than anyone else’s; it’s that England’s 17th-best team is better than anyone else’s fifth-best.

The Premier League’s depth is its secret sauce. And that depth has grown stronger at the precise moment the Europa League has been weakened by the righteous but impactful removal of undeserving Champions League losers.

And now we see this new reality most clearly in the Thursday night competitions, where England absolutely do now dominate almost despite themselves. No English team has been knocked out of either the Europa League or Conference League by anyone other than another English team for very nearly two seasons now.

And there really is every chance that holds until the pots are dished out again, with Palace very much on track to claim the Conference and whoever wins the East v West Midlands semi-final between Forest and Villa sure to be favourite in the Europa final.

Liverpool, Chelsea and Aston Villa all finish outside top five

Okay, look, we were pushing our luck here. We’re very happy with our current hit-rate from the above, so we’ll allow ourselves this ostentatious swing and a miss.

All is not lost, though. Liverpool and Villa are locked in for the top five, sure, but look at Chelsea. They are absolute dog toss right now.

So bad, in fact, that they are currently the worst of London’s ‘Big Three’ and right now that is an extraordinary thing to be.

Don’t believe us? Consider the standard, accepted form-guide number of six games.

Banter-addled, relegation-doomed Spurs? One win, two draws, three defeats.

Bottle-addled, happening-again-doomed Arsenal? One win, one draw, four defeats

And Chelsea? One win – against Port Vale ffs – and five defeats.

They are literally worse than the two biggest running jokes in English football who are both themselves operating at something dangerously close to 100 per cent banter.

That is utterly extraordinary and means that merely finishing outside the top five is no longer the limit of Chelsea’s comedic ambitions. They’ve fallen so far out of Champions League contention that they’ve ended up falling into the huge writhing mass of clubs scrambling to reach European football at all.

They are now only two points above the bottom half. They are closer to 14th place than to fifth. They might get another chance to ruin the Conference League for everyone else next season, by which point we assume they will have appointed a proper football manager. They might well not even get that. (Conference League, that is. Although also the proper manager, in fairness.)

Liam Rosenior has to go, right?

Brentford and Sunderland qualify for Champions League

Sure, we doubled down on the above with this one. Stood to reason, didn’t it? If we had all the bigger teams finishing outside the top five then it stood to reason that someone else had to take their places.

Brentford and Sunderland in the Europa and Conference League will have to do. It’s still pretty funny, we suppose.

And there are apparently still possibilities for sixth place involving Villa winning the Europa League and finishing fifth that make our head hurt when we try and think about them too hard but sound like they could definitely be funny in a too-clever-for-us way like Frasier.

One potential piece of fun we think we’re right about is that there is a non-zero chance that if Chelsea can get themselves secure in sixth they will play a game against Liverpool where it benefits them to lose and thus potentially help Slot’s side leapfrog Villa.

Liam Rosenior launches a podcast and starts selling a course and/or supplements

Lots of the above have decent chances of success, but our safest and most nailed-on winner comes right at the last.

If Rosenior isn’t trying to make Herbalife a thing again before big 2026 is out or at the very least advising his subscribers they can get 10 per cent off Huel with the code utterspoofer we will eat every single one of our hats.

We’re down to the final five matches of the Premier League season, and here’s every club’s biggest remaining game…

Some already have their eye on the final weekend, while others can’t look beyond the next game. Especially in north London.

Here’s the game we’ve picked out for each club as their biggest remaining…

Arsenal – Newcastle (h)

Arsenal will probably have to win their remaining five games to shed the big bottlers tag – stop laughing, it’s not funny – the first step being to stop losing. The Gunners have won one in their last six in all competitions, losing consecutive games in the Premier League to allow Manchester City to seize the initiative in the title race. So the Emirates clash with Newcastle on Saturday evening is super-mega-f***-off massive for the Gunners to halt their losing momentum. And, frankly, we can’t wait to see what gimmick Mikel Arteta has up his sleeve this week. But, no, it’s not funny.

Aston Villa – Liverpool (h)

Villa could have a big say in both the title race and the relegation battle since they have yet to face Tottenham and, on the final day, Manchester City. But for their own ends, the visit of Liverpool in their final home match is the biggest game remaining. The identity of the top five looks set, with only the order to finalise. If Liverpool beat them on May 17, the Reds could also overtake Villa and leave them in fifth, which would be lower than two of Unai Emery’s three most recent finishes. In that event, Emery out, obviously.

Also, Villa finishing fifth and winning the Europa League might allow Chelsea into the Champions League. And nobody wants that, obvs.

Bournemouth – Nottingham Forest (a)

Four of Bournemouth’s five remaining opponents are bottom-half dwellers, the other being Manchester City, meaning the Cherries face no direct competitor for a place in Europe. So we’ll point you to their final game of the season, away at Forest, where they will hope to wave off Andoni Iraola on their way to a Europa tour with Marco Rose.

Brentford – Liverpool (a)

It is a similar story for Brentford, the Bees’ current seventh-place standing likely to be enough to secure passage to the Europa League. They have no direct competitor to face but they do have half of the Big Six (United, City, Liverpool) to play in their final five games, building up to a last-day trip to Anfield.

Brighton – Chelsea (h)

Brighton have a couple of tasty-looking games in the run-in – away at Newcastle, then Manchester United on the final day catch the eye – but there’s always a bit more in the battles with Chelsea given the Blues have spent an awful lot of money trying to strengthen themselves while weakening the Seagulls. BlueCo have paid around £265million for a variety of Brighton players, managers and staff but Fabian Hurzeler could lift his side above Liam Rosenior’s with a home win on Tuesday night which could prove to be a Champions League six-pointer if Villa win the Europa League.

Burnley – Wolves (h)

Whoever wins on the final day between the bottom two maybe won’t finish last. Which is all either have been working towards for months. And since Burnley face three of the top four plus Leeds in their other remaining fixtures, this is their only realistic prospect of points.

Chelsea – Tottenham (h)

Aside from ‘BlueCo out!’, Chelsea fans haven’t much to shout about at the moment. But sending Spurs down in their final home game of the season would be a lovely touch at the end of a wretched season. That is if Spurs stay in the battle for that long.

MORE: Ten reasons Chelsea should sack Rosenior includes Lampard and 28-year low

Crystal Palace – Arsenal (h)

Do you really want us to pretend that Palace’s focus is not now completely on the Europa Conference League? We can say for certain that Palace’s biggest remaining game is not the trip to Bournemouth on May 3, coming between semi-final legs against Shakhtar Donetsk. Let’s rule out the visit to Liverpool the week before for the same reason. Which leaves us Everton (home, May 10), Brentford (away, May 17) and Man City (away, God knows) before Arsenal at home on the final day, when Palace fans will be hoping to give their side a rousing send-off for the Europa Conference final, all while hoping the players can at least make it look like their absolute priority isn’t avoiding injury.

Everton – Sunderland (h)

A mid-table six-pointer anyone? Much could change between now and May 17 given there are currently three points between 12th and sixth, but Everton’s last home game of the season could be pivotal in at least one of these sides’ pursuit of Europe.

Fulham – Bournemouth (h)

Fulham occupy that 12th place but the flip-flops and shades should stay in the closet for now, their penultimate home game being the visit of Bournemouth and another that could be important in the race for Europe, despite having ‘Saturday, 3pm’ written all over it.

Leeds United – Burnley (h)

Until very recently, we would have viewed the visit to Tottenham on the second-last weekend of the season as a relegation six-pointer. But wins over Manchester United and Wolves have Leeds eight points clear of the drop zone. A victory over Burnley, who could already be relegated by the time they go Elland Road on May 1, would take off what little pressure remains on the Spurs game, allowing Leeds to focus on a possible FA Cup final.

Liverpool – Manchester United (a)

It has been a wretched season for Liverpool, yet they could still finish as best of the rest behind Arsenal and City. They are currently fifth, with Champions League qualification all but in the bag, but in May they face the two sides above them (United, Villa) and the two below (Chelsea, Brentford), all of them within a win of the Reds. We’ve picked out United as it is the first of those fixtures which could set the tone for the run-in, and because it is the one game Liverpool fans would pick to win above the others.

Manchester City – Aston Villa (h)

Arsenal’s biggest remaining game is currently their next fixture; City’s is their last. We expect both to make the final day consequential, which is when City face their toughest opponent, on paper at least. They were in the position of needing to beat Villa at home on the final day four years ago and nearly made a b*llocks of it.

MORE: Ranking Man City’s last six games by where THEY could now bottle it

Manchester United – Liverpool (h)

Much the same applies to United as Liverpool. If the Red Devils could only win one game for the rest of the season, Stretford End-ers would pick this one. Plus, United’s run-in that follows is, on paper, kinder than Liverpool’s, so a win to extend what is currently a three-point gap should fend off the threat of their Merseyside rivals.

Newcastle United – West Ham (h)

In May, Newcastle don’t face an opponent currently above ninth in the table – granted, they go to Arsenal before April is over – but Forest could welcome the Magpies to the City Ground three games before the end of the season with realistic hopes of catching them. Which makes the following week’s final home game interesting more for the reaction of the crowd than the players. If the Toon Army turn on the team and Eddie Howe amid perhaps their lowest finish since they were relegated 10 years ago, it could hasten the manager’s exit. How much patience should Newcastle fans maintain?

MORE: The Premier League tables that could see Howe dodge Newcastle sack

Nottingham Forest – Newcastle (h)

While Newcastle might be looking over their shoulder at Forest, the Reds are also checking their mirrors. Keeping three clubs behind them is the absolute priority, despite being three games from Europa League glory. Forest’s is a tricky run-in, with Chelsea (a) sandwiched between the Europa semis against Villa, while Manchester United and Bournemouth are their last two Premier League opponents. Newcastle’s form makes their clash on May 10 Forest’s best chance of getting a decent chunk of the points required to stave off the treat of those chasing them.

Sunderland – Chelsea (h)

Sunderland would have killed to be five games from the line with only a top-half place to fret over. But here they are, 11th but two points off sixth, which makes all their matches consequential in a far different way to how they must have expected. Three of their final five are at home, the last being a Champions League play-off against Chelsea.

Tottenham Hotspur – Wolves (a)

Right now, Spurs have to look at their next game, a trip to Wolves on Saturday, as biggest of the lot. Because if they don’t start winning sharpish, the last games could be inconsequential wakes. Some are seeing improvement in Spurs since Roberto De Zerbi took over, which obviously means the square root of f*** all without the points. Everyone expected Spurs to get their sh*t together at some point but they are in serious danger of running out of time, especially while their rivals recognise the opportunity to leave them stranded. If they don’t beat a side already relegated, there probably is no hope.

West Ham United – Leeds United (h)

The Hammers’ job now is just to stay where they are: above three other teams. Ideally, Spurs would be one, but the Irons are in no position to be choosy. Three of their last five are at home, the last of which sees Leeds come back to east London after their FA Cup quarter-final win there. And West Ham might be hoping for Leeds to be suffering the mother of all hangovers as cup winners for the final game and for both to have reasons for celebration come the final whistle.

Wolves – Burnley (a)

See Burnley. Given the form and remaining fixtures for both sides, it is quite possible that Wolves will go to Turf Moor to defend 19th place.

While no one would disagree with Alan Smith’s assessment of Brennan Johnson’s Crystal Palace career thus far, least of all Johnson himself we suspect as he’s yet to register a goal in 19 appearances following his £35m transfer from Tottenham in January, the co-commentator’s pre-match ” he’s just not been good enough, frankly” quip felt strangely brutal.

Such comments are usually paired with ‘needs time to bed in’ caveats but Johnson was given short shrift by the former Arsenal striker, who proceeded to expose what certainly sounded like a deep-seated vendetta against the former Spurs winger and his North London bias to those donning tin-foil hats on their sofas at home hoping and preying a hero of theirs could do them a favour in the battle to avoid relegation.

After an opening to the game in which Johnson was just about the only attacking outlet for an otherwise toothless Crystal Palace side, Smith declared that “pretty much everything that could go wrong for Brennan Johnson has gone wrong in these first 20 minutes.”

He had just been booked for cynical swipe at El Hadji Malick Diouf, seconds after misdirecting a free header well wide of the target. Neither moment showed Johnson in the best light, but a more kindly appraiser might at least have praised the intent – he was in the right position to score – but not Smith, who simply insisted “he has to do better”.

Discussing the moment in the Sky Sports studio at the break, and how it would have been viewed by Spurs fans rooting for a West Ham defeat to keep them within a point of safety, Jamie Carragher said: “Johnson’s a Tottenham legend and always will be after his goal in the Europa League final, but he misses the chance to become an even bigger Tottenham legend here.”

Two minutes later Smith claimed “Johnson could easily have been sent off for a second yellow” if – and this felt crucial – it had been Johnson fouling Diouf and not Daniel Munoz, who wasn’t cautioned in any case.

Soon after, when Johnson took a very nice touch to make space for himself before curling a deflected shot just wide of the post, Smith commended Johnson as though he was a toddler hanging limply from a set of monkey bars or an infirm pensioner looking to extricate themselves from a wheelchair. “Fair play to him for having a go,” he said.

The co-commentator then identified a possible concussion for Johnson after a nasty clash of heads with Diouf as a blessing in disguise for Palace just before half-time. “You wouldn’t be surprised if Johnson did come off,” he said. “[Ismaila] Sarr’s on the bench; he’s been booked.”

Smith didn’t get his wish but a brilliant cross across the face of West Ham’s goal from Johnson shortly after the break served to illustrate the collective improvement rather than Johnson’s individual quality: “That’s a little bit better from Palace.”

In a similar situation a few minutes later Johnson took the wrong option, but not in such an evident and disgraceful way to give rise to a sound typically reserved for when someone steps in dog mess: “Urgh, you’ve got to pull it back for [Jorgen] Strand Larsen.”

Oliver Glasner at least saw enough in Johnson’s performance to keep him on the pitch longer than both Yeremy Pino and Strand Larsen as Palace chased a winning goal.

It never arrived to the delight of Smith, who spectacularly failed to hide his anti-Spurs agenda in the very last action of the game as substitute Mohamadou Kante charged down the right for West Ham.

“Go on, all the way,” Smith muttered.

We get that Tottenham getting relegated would be a) hilarious, b) good business for Sky Sports and everyone else, and c) hilarious, but openly rooting for one of their relegation rivals on a co-commentary stint otherwise used to disparage a former Spurs player because you used to play for Arsenal made for an uncomfortably conspicuous night of prejudice from Smith on a channel that should surely at least give the impression of impartiality.