Cartilage Free Captain

Tottenham Hotspur enters Sunday with a frustrating recent form of 1-3-2 across all competitions, sitting 10th in the Premier League and six behind the top four. With the lineup a far cry from full strength, there are somehow still seven matches left this month, and Chelsea (who is now second in the table) is up next on Sunday. The vibes are in the danger zone.

Despite this, Spurs have shown a knack for stepping up against strong opponents; the lone win in this six-match funk was of course at the Etihad. Whether this pattern will continue remains to be seen, but maybe Chelsea’s return to the new Lane will un-Freaky Friday the torment that began after its last visit. Probably not, but this club has defied logic all season — and besides, rationality is not an ally in this one anyway.

Tottenham Hotspur (t-10th, 20pts) vs. Chelsea (t-2nd, 28pts)

Date: Sunday, December 8

Time: 11:30 am ET, 4:30 pm UK

Location: Tottenham Hotspur Stadium, London

TV: USA Network (US), Sky Sports Main Event (UK)

The Blues are suddenly up to (joint) second place after wins over Leicester, Villa, and Southampton. They were actually undefeated across all competitions in the month of November and currently lead the Premier League in goals scored and xG. Betting markets still prefer both Arsenal and City, but Chelsea is easily one of the four best clubs in the league at this point.

Spurs lost both derbies last season after taking four points in 2022/23. Since that infamous nine-man effort the last time these clubs met in North London, Ange Postecoglou’s side has gone just 18-6-18 in the league, which is a 54-point pace. It would be so fitting for Tottenham’s fortunes to do another 180 after a home match with Chelsea, but obviously that is just wishful thinking.

All hands on deck

The talking point is clear for this one. Though Tottenham has conceded the third-fewest goals this season, its xGA is now just 11th and is likely to keep dropping due to the change in keeper. Spurs were lucky not to suffer more against Bournemouth and now face the league’s best attack, which is coming off a five-goal outburst at Southampton on Wednesday.

Nicolas Jackson is the biggest fear after his four goals against Tottenham last season. He already has scored eight times in the league this season, one behind teammate Cole Palmer, and both players will enjoy going at this back line, even if Cristian Romero returns. Not to sound too doom-and-gloom, but Spurs will need Chelsea to have a very poor day finishing to win this one.

The brightest lights

It remains puzzling that Tottenham looked so good against City, United, and Villa while looking mediocre against...nearly everyone else. Tactically, playing an open opponent who wants to control the ball seems to fit Postecoglou’s style best, but there has to be a mental component to this as well given how drastically different this team can look match to match.

I do recognize that Tottenham lost the North London Derby at home already, but it just feels like there is some extra effort in the more high-profile fixtures. That makes sense too when considering the number of reserves forced into the lineup and the sheer fatigue of this squad. Spurs are clear underdogs on Sunday, but would anyone be surprised to see a heroic effort seemingly defying the numbers? If anything, that essentially is the hallmark of the Postecoglou tenure so far.

Tottenham Hotspur’s defensive injury crisis just went from bad to worse after Ben Davies was substituted in the second half of Spurs’ 1-0 loss to Bournemouth at the Vitality Stadium on Thursday. Davies joins Cuti Romero and Micky van de Ven on the trainer’s table, leaving Radu Dragusin as the only senior central defender still healthy at the club.

Spurs turned to teenager Archie Gray to deputize at left central defense for the remainder of the second half, and while he put in a decent enough (if nervy) performance, it’s hardly the kind of thing you want to see with two matches a week for the next month and a looming match against Chelsea on Sunday.

In his press conference after the match, Postecoglou confirmed that Davies pulled his hamstring against the Cherries, though he declined to state how long he might be sidelines.

“It looks like he’s done his hamstring. Him and Radu have played every game. It’s the one position we can’t rotate. He’ll obviously be out for a period of time now, we’ll just have to wait and see how long it is. It’s a consequence of having the squad we have at the moment.”

When asked about whether Spurs would address central defense in January’s transfer window, Ange stated the obvious:

“Mate, it ain’t going to help us against Chelsea on Sunday and that’s all I’m thinking about.”

Postecoglou also didn’t try to hide his disappointment with not only the result, but with Tottenham’s overall performance.

“Very disappointing. We started the game well. Started the game the way we wanted to and started controlling it but we give away a poor goal, a really poor goal. Again. That allows the opposition to, and it is a difficult place to come to anyways, sit back and play the football they want. To counter-attack and we have to open up. It is disappointing and not good enough. It is not something that is a one off. We have done that now three or four times and paid a price for it.

“Like I said, we started the game well but football is a game where you try to control it and dictate it to play the way you want to but when you give goals away like we did tonight, and we have done that consistently not just with set-pieces but just in general this year, it just gives the opportunity then for the opposition, particularly a team like Bournemouth, to play on the counter which is what they want to do. We have to open up. They can sit back. Just really disappointing it has happened again. Something for me to mull over and do something about.”

Ange can mull over it all he wants but he only has three days until Chelsea comes to North London. The good news is that yesterday Ange hinted that Cuti Romero might be back in time to play. Let’s hope so, otherwise we’re looking at Dragusin-Gray in the back line again, and either Yves Bissouma or a youth player as the failsafe if something (else) were to go wrong.

Sometimes, I hate having to post these articles, especially after a match like the one we just watched. Tottenham Hotspur went to Bournemouth and their cockerel laid a big egg (impressive for a male chicken), conceding a corner kick goal to 19-year old Dean Huijsen en route to a 1-0 loss at the Vitality Stadium. The result drops Spurs to tenth in the table, six points behind Manchester City in fourth, and with a high-flying Chelsea looming at the weekend.

With these kinds of articles, sometimes you just gotta eat s—t and like it. It’s time to rate the players.

Rate the players from 1⁄2 to 5 stars. If the player doesn’t deserve a rating due to minutes played, DO NOT RANK. I will round the stars up/down to the nearest half-star for the player ratings later this week.

Please sir, can I have some more?

That’s pretty much what most Tottenham Hotspur fans are NOT saying right now, nor are the playing squad, with yet another multi-match week. AFC Bournemouth are up this time around, with The Cherries in touching distance of Spurs on the Premier League table.

Spurs though are within touching distance of the European places, and they’ll want to put some sort of run of performances together to consolidate and dispel the inconsistency that has plagued this side. Whether that is even possible with the football calendar the way it is remains to be seen.

Can Spurs beat Bournemouth? Absolutely. Can Spurs lose to Bournemouth? Almost definitely. Can Spurs tie against Bournemouth? Nearly certainly. Place your bets!

COYS!

Lineups

Live Blog

How to Watch

AFC Bournemouth vs. Tottenham Hotspur

Vitality Stadium, Bournemouth, UK

Thursday, December 5, 2024

Time: 3:15 p.m. ET, 8:15 p.m. UK

TV: USA Network, not televised in the UK. Check international listings at livesoccertv.com

Streaming: nbcsports.com

Match thread rules

The match thread rules are the same as always. To any visitors coming here for the first time, welcome! We’re glad you’re here! Wipe your feet, mind the gap, and be sure to check out the other pages at this outstanding site. While you’re here, though, we have a few rules and regulations:

Absolutely no links to illegal streams. They’re bad and they get us in trouble. Violators will be warned or banned.

We have rules against “relentless negativity.” Nobody likes a Negative Nancy. Don’t knee-jerk and post outlandish or hurtful things just because you’re frustrated.

Along those lines, outright abuse of players or match officials is also not allowed. It’s fine to say “wow, that was a really bad call,” but it’s NOT okay to direct copious amounts of abuse in the direction of said official over a call you did not like.

Treat other people in the match thread the way you would want someone else to treat your grandmother. Be nice. This is a community of fans, not an un-moderated message board.

NO SPIDERS!

Finally, while we don’t have a rule against profanity, please try and keep the naughty words in check. Also, language that is sexist, racist, transphobic, or homophobic in nature will be swiftly deleted and you will be immediately banned. This is an open, supportive community.

Have fun, and COYS!

We love a good kit leak post here at Carty Free Towers. They’re fun amuse-bouche type posts that simultaneously look to the future and give us all nuggets of hope, even though they are essentially furthering an entrenched and expensive form of capitalism that seeks to mostly divest Tottenham Hotspur fans from around $100 of their hard-earned money each season. I mean, if you think about it there’s really no reason beyond pure greed that a football club needs to play matches in 3-4 completely different kits every season and offer them for sale to its supporters.

But never mind all that, because have you seen the leaked images of Tottenham’s 2025-26 away kits that just dropped on FootyHeadlines? HOLY CRAP THESE RULE.

OK so we’ve known for a while that Spurs were going to have a primarily black away kit this season, with “iron grey” highlights. We also found out that the kits were going to be “99% black”. Now we know what that means, and my god are these beautiful.

Now, some old heads around here are going to look back at past kit leak articles and express some thinky-emoji interest in the fact that I have, in the past, criticized certain home kits as the club charging £100 for “a white t-shirt,” especially when this is, well, basically a black t-shirt. But LOOK AT THIS SHIRT. I mean, just LOOK at it! I am in love. I would wear this to a black tie formal gala. Yes, it’s simple. Yes, it’s black. But it is also gorgeous.

The cool thing is that it’s also not just a black t-shirt, because there’s a subtle Iron Gray grid pattern overlaid upon it if you look at the close-up detail images, and that’s cool because not only does it add a subtle sophistication, but you can also use it to help calculate your geometry homework. They’re also slimming for, uh, gentlemen of a certain age who might be going a little bit to seed lately.

I haven’t purchased an (*cough*) official Tottenham shirt since 2017, though someone kindly gifted me this year’s home shirt (thanks, cancer). I will almost certainly purchase this one. The only question is what name to get on the back. Someone on Bluesky joked that it doesn’t matter which name you order with this kit, you will get a Romero, and you will love it. Fair enough! Just shut up and take my money because these rule.

Remembering Tottenham Hotspur’s schedule for December is easy — across three competitions, Spurs will play every Sunday and Thursday this month, starting with the draw against Fulham. With players seemingly dropping out injured in every match and prolonged recovery timelines for others, this stretch promises to be a grind.

Thursday’s trip to the South Coast exemplifies this challenge. Bournemouth is a decent yet beatable Premier League side, though Tottenham’s unpredictable form makes that distinction somewhat irrelevant. With Chelsea looming on the weekend and another Europa League fixture next week, a win on Thursday feels important. However, given personnel limitations and ongoing inconsistencies, another adventurous outing seems likely.

Bournemouth (13th, 18pts) vs. Tottenham Hotspur (t-8th, 20pts)

Date: Thursday, December 5

Time: 3:15 pm ET, 8:15 pm UK

Location: Vitality Stadium, Bournemouth

TV: USA Network (US), Amazon Prime Video (UK)

The Cherries sit just below mid-table with a goal difference of +1, a fitting spot given how they have fared the past couple seasons. However, they have had some excitement this year, claiming one of Arsenal’s two defeats in the league and taking down Manchester City (though that seems to be less impressive by the day).

Tottenham has won three of the last four meetings in this fixture, including two consecutive wins at the Vitality Stadium. Last season’s visit came in Matchweek 2, with James Maddison and Dejan Kulusevski scoring in a clean-sheet victory. The sides met again on New Year’s Eve with the home side claiming a 3-1 win in North London.

Identity mirage

Tottenham’s lack of lineup consistency under Ange Postecoglou has been glaring but not surprising. Injuries and fatigue necessitate rotations, while Postecoglou also continues to tinker with his available resources in search of solutions. The result is a WLWLWLWD streak in the league with no reprieve expected soon.

One player who Postecoglou could really use back is former Bournemouth striker Dominic Solanke, and he looks to be trending in the right direction. The Cherries are actually fifth in xGA, but have conceded multiple goals in their past three matches. Matches against Palace, Ipswich, and Fulham featured a total of four Tottenham goals, while the recent wins have seen Spurs put in three-plus. Obviously scoring more goals makes a win more likely, but it has been all or nothing in terms of attacking production, so taking advantage of the home side’s form is crucial.

Makeshift putting in a shift

The Fraser Forster-Ben Davies-Radu Dragușin trio conceded just one goal against Fulham and will likely start again on Thursday. Bournemouth, ninth in goals scored but fifth in xG, will test their cohesion, and while Forster played admirably over the weekend, relying on him to consistently deliver above-average performances feels risky.

Davies and Dragușin must contend with Bournemouth’s aggressive attackers, including Justin Kluivert, Evanilson, and Antoine Semenyo, who thrive on charging at defenses, especially at home. If Tottenham’s defense holds — which is far from guaranteed — this could open opportunities on the counter. Spurs can exploit the Cherries’ pressing and openness, but with chances likely at both ends, Thursday’s match could really go any way.

Every December I publish my own “wrapped” after Spotify does its Wrapped because I find the whole exercise stupid.

Why should I give a hoot about what some lowly content platform publishes about my data?

Spoiler: I DON’T.

Here’s something stupid. This year’s Wrapped said July was my “rainy day funky groove psychadelic rock session”. The hell does that mean?

And October? My “wanderlust tribute heartland rock moment”.

Lol and wanna hear June? My “psychadelic harpsichord classic rock phase”.

It’s gibberish - GIBBERISH!!!!!!

The minutes you spend on Spotify don’t determine how big a fan you are of music, or of any song, genre or artist. But Spotify has masterfully packaged this product that captured our attention during the Covid-19 pandemic to make us believe the time we spend listening to music (whilst giving nil to the artists featured on there) is the true metric by which artists are graded these days.

Rubbish. Absolute rubbish.

You know my Spotify habits? First thing in the morning I listen to jazz for a couple hours. Then at 9-10am I tune into 88.5FM The SoCal Sound (to which I donate monthly) for the rest of the day. At the gym I’ll throw Spotfy back on. And I’ll play it when I drive. Even then it’s too much.

Ya know what it says my top songs are? I ain’t tellin ya, cause it’s stupid.

No one should feel any sense of missing out or FOMO or superiority over the minutes they spent listening to a particular artist on this platform, because it’s stupid. And I’m sick of the pressure it puts on consumers and artists alike.

Buy a record. Support your local radio station or performing arts centre. Hell, throw a freaking fiver in a busker’s guitar case. It’s better than this Wrapped hogcock.

Keep your Spotify.

I want my radio.

I want my records.

I want my live music.

I want my MTV.

Fitzie’s track of the day: Money For Nothing, by Dire Straits

And now for your links:

Dan KP: Ange Postecoglou backs Heung-min Son to improve

Jack P-B ($$) asks if Angeball is compatible with Spurs playing twice a week

Wolves manager Gary O’Neil under pressure after 4-0 defeat to Everton

“Edoardo Bove’s collapse gives a new lesson on what really matters in life”

Tottenham Hotspur manager Ange Postecoglou could be set to welcome back his first choice striker for tomorrow’s mid-week fixture at Bournemouth. In his weekly press conference, Postecoglou said that while it’s not a sure thing quite yet, Dominic Solanke has recovered from the illness that kept him out of Sunday’s 1-1 draw against Fulham, and he could be in line to feature against his old club for the first time since his summer move to Spurs.

“Everyone from the weekend got through OK, Archie [Gray] obviously got a knock but he’s recovered well. Dom’s due to train today, he’s still not 100 per cent but he’s definitely improved from the weekend, so we’ll see how he goes through training today. The other injured guys are inching closer but not available.”

The news wasn’t quite as good for Cuti Romero, who has missed several matches with a foot injury sustained with Argentina in the last international break. Ange confirmed that Romero will not play vs. Bournemouth, but hopefully will be back very soon.

“[Cuti] is due to have his last session or last couple of sessions with the rehab guys, today and tomorrow. So we’re kind of hoping that back into training, potentially by Friday. At the very latest early next week, if everything goes well.”

Postecoglou also addressed the spate of injuries currently at the club, especially in the forward line. Against Fulham, Spurs were without Solanke, Richarlison, Wilson Odobert, and Mikey Moore with a variety of injuries and afflictions, a situation that has left Ange short on his options and a short bench with the busy holiday fixture season looming.

“Yeah, there is no doubt because when you add Wilson to that, even Mikey, we had Dom out at the weekend, you hope that alleviates. With Wilson it’s long-term, hopefully Mikey by the turn of year will be back as well, but he’s 17. With Richy it has been frustrating because I see the potential in him and to be fair when he’s been fit he’s always made an impact, for me anyway. I think back to the start of last year and when he came back into the team during the year he went on a scoring run.

“Even the little games he’s played this year, he’s made an impact. So, you know, that’s what you kind of hold on to, but there’s no doubt we need some bolstering in that front third over the next couple of transfer windows. Dom coming in has been great, but again we can’t overload him either, because ultimately, you know, even if he stays fit and nothing happens, performance will invariably drop if his energy levels drop. So it’s something we’re aware of and need to plan for.”

Postecoglou also got slightly tetchy when addressing the status of Moore, who has missed several weeks with what has been described as a virus, and who is set to miss even more time in the coming weeks before returning to training. Ange refused to go into any details about Moore’s situation, citing protection of his privacy as a young, underage player.

“Look, I come out here and I want to be as transparent as I can, but this is a 17-year-old boy. I don’t like talking about what they have and what they don’t have. It’s nothing serious, but you know, he’s 17. We’re going to take our time, and I don’t like this kind of constant, not from you [the reporter] by the way, but I’ve just heard other bits and pieces of people speculating, Come on. I mean, like, if it’s your 17-year-old son, you don’t want everyone to know what he has or hasn’t got. It’s nothing serious. It’s nothing long-term.

“It’s just that he’s a young lad and he’s only 17, and he’s a big part of this football club, and we will protect him, and we’ll be guided by how he feels, how he recovers from, you know, an illness. Like I said, young people will recover at different rates. He’ll be back. He’s still here. he’s He’s part of what we’re doing, and he’ll be back in the next few weeks, but again he’s missed a lot of football. So whether we bring him back the first team or he needs to play [for the U21s], we’ve got to bear in mind that he’s 17.”

Fair enough! But what about Djed Spence, a player who by all accounts is not injured, but who was still not preferred in Sunday’s Fulham match, despite Pedro Porro looking dead on his feet? A lot of Spurs fans were anticipating seeing a lot more of Spence after he looked good in preseason, but he has barely played and is not named to Spurs’ Europa League roster. Postecoglou’s comments hinted that perhaps the Djedaissance isn’t quite as far along as everyone seems to think.

“I don’t know about a major turnaround. I think a major turn around is Djed playing regularly at this level, just because he has hung around doesn’t mean that is a major turn around. I still think a lot of that is Djed continuing to train hard and wait for his opportunity.

“Fitness wise he is always in good condition. We train pretty hard. Could he start a game? I think he could. Could he start multiple games? Probably not because he hasn’t played for quite a while. He has been in and around the squad. Particularly between now and Christmas opportunities may come up for him, he almost got on at the weekend but the red card changed things a little bit. I think the key for Djed is he is still training well and his focus is there and just to be ready to take the opportunity when it comes.”

There are a lot of matches coming in the next month, and that will necessarily result in rotation. Ange Postecoglou said he’s mindful of the fact that Tottenham’s best players can’t play every minute of every match, and that pushing players too much for too long could result in a drop in form, something he’d like to avoid.

“You’ve always got to make decisions you think are right. I am never going to make decisions to alleviate or appease people’s opinions. Deki has been our best player this year and I want to protect him because there is no chance he can play all these games we’ve got. Like I say, even if they can play, performance will invariably drop because it is not sustainable. We have to pick and choose. I thought the weekend game, particularly with Pape and Madders and Biss in then, we’re missing Bentancur as well, whenever I was going to leave him out, it would leave a bit of a gap. And then losing Dom on the day didn’t help.

“So, it’s something we’re going to have to do, particularly with the small numbers we have, between now and Christmas hopefully we’ll get Romero and Micky back but the rest of them probably won’t. So, middle to front third, Bentancur included in that as he won’t be available [domestically] for a while, so middle and front third, we’ll have to rotate the players a fair bit.”

Tottenham kick off against Bournemouth at the Vitality Stadium tomorrow at 3:30 p.m. ET / 8:30 p.m. UK. The match is televised on USA Network in the United States, and streamed on Amazon Prime Video in the UK.

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Tottenham Hotspur Daily Links: The Hoddle Of Coffee

The Hoddle of Coffee: Tottenham Hotspur news and links for Wednesday, December 4

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Welcome to another edition of Trending Up / Trending Down, where we at Hoddle Headquarters take a look at what around Tottenham Hotspur is trending up, and what is trending down.

I don’t quite know what to do with this latest Trending Up / Trending Down. Since our last edition (Nov 5) Spurs lost to Galatasaray, lost to Ipswich Town, beat City, drew Roma and lost to Fulham.

It all makes for some strange stuff. How do we parse through it all? I’ll do my best:

Trending Up

Fraser Forster: It’s the big man’s time in the net now with Vicario out for an extended period of time. It’s a very small sample size, but I think he’s done well in the two matches he started in this past week and made some good saves against Roma and Fulham.

Dejan Kulusevski: Quickly becoming one of the most important players for this side. He’s one of the hardest-working players in the league (as covered in this Dan KP feature the other day) but it looks like all that running meant he couldn’t start versus Fulham on Sunday.

Brennan Johnson: That’s three goals in three games now for Brennan Johnson. Across all competitions he scored 10 so far this year. Safe to say he’s doing well better already than he did during the entirey of last season.

Fixtures: Too many to count! Another one on Thursday? And then a derby on Sunday? And we haven’t even begun the real festive fixtures yet.

Trending Down

Guglielmo Vicario: Hate to do it, but injured players get lumped here. That includes Vicaro. Hope he’s back soon.

Consistent Premier League results: A frustrating series of matches as previously mentioned. Spurs seem to have such a huge chasm between their ceiling and their floor, which makes watching them always must-watch entertainment. But it’d be nice to get a couple wins in a row.

Fitzie’s track of the day: Honky Cat, by Elton John

And now for your links:

Dan KP: Ange Postecoglou, Spurs’ young stars and the club’s transfer balancing act

Wales women beat Ireland to reach major tournament for first time

Meanwhile, Scotland iced out of Euros after loss to Finland

There’s nothing quite like a 1-1 home draw against a sneaky good Fulham side during an injury crisis at the start of the festive holiday fixture period to force Tottenham Hotspur fans into a vibe check. Spurs supporters have been lurching back and forth through so many emotional extremes already this season that I am starting to recommend therapy (“Show me on the doll where Tottenham hurt you.”).

The weird part of this match is that, first, Spurs didn’t lose it and second, there’s a host of mitigating factors that led to this performance that are uniquely accepted by at least those in my heavily curated Bluesky feed. Not that it was an especially good performance — it wasn’t — but it also wasn’t an especially BAD performance. Spurs nicked a point despite getting out-xG’d, and the story of this season thus far hasn’t just been that Spurs are a little inconsistent, it’s that they’ve been inconsistent and somehow haven’t managed to fluke ANY positive results when they play bad. You’d expect Spurs to “football” at least one opponent, and they just haven’t. Que será será.

So let’s just get right to the theme. I live in Indiana, about a 45 minute drive from one of the so-called Great Lakes, the chain of huge freshwater bodies that dominates this part of the American countryside. They’re all pretty good as far as lakes go, and they’re actually a pretty big part of not only the landscape, but also the local economy. So let’s rank them! Here are your Tottenham Hotspur player ratings to the theme of the Great Lakes.

I’m a native Midwesterner that has lived near the Great Lakes my whole life, and Lake Huron is one that I wish I had more knowledge of than I do. It’s deceptively huge, as it has a whole separate lobe that looks like it should be another lake but actually isn’t, giving it the third largest shoreline of any lake in the United States (first place goes to Lake of the Woods with a staggering 25k mile coast). It also boasts two islands with substantial inhabited populations, and it is the lake that inspired the name of my favorite band, Lord Huron, which in my book is a plus. That’s not even getting into the legend of Mishebeshu, the great mythical Lake Huron sea monster. This lake rules.

No Tottenham players in this category.

OK, I’m biased, so what? I have lived my entire life nearby Lake Michigan. It’s not the biggest lake. It doesn’t have the longest shoreline. It’s somewhat polluted and it’s not uncommon for dead fish to wash up on its beaches. But it has two things going for it: it has a major American city on its shores (Chicago) and it’s warm enough to swim in. I have spent many a happy afternoon dipping my toes into the water at Warren or Indiana Dunes, and farther north lies the incredible Sleeping Bear Dunes national lakeshore. I love this lake even though it drops about a foot of snow on me every winter.

Fraser Forster (Community — 4.0): There were a lot of reasons why Spurs didn’t come away with a win in this match, but Fraser Forster wasn’t one of them. Credit to him — he made several nice stops, a couple of them pretty spectacular. He is what he is, but what he also is is a pretty good shot stopper, and that’s important.

Radu Dragusin (Community — 3.5): A solid defensive performance capped by a rocket of a header saved by Leno. Had a couple of hospital passes out of the back line but overall I was pleased with his game.

Ben Davies (Community — 4.0): Ok sure he was fine, but the real question I have about Ben is how he got that incredible shiner.

Lake Superior has the reputation as the most metal of all the Great Lakes, and for good reason. It’s the largest by volume — the largest freshwater lake in the world, aktchshually — enough that it’s practically an inland sea. But this lake is also DEEP and COLD. You’re not swimming in this Great Lake, buddy. It gets points for the Upper Peninsula of Michigan and the Painted Rocks monuments, but the weather and water conditions can get absolutely terrifying. Gordon Lightfoot didn’t write no ballads about Lake Victoria.

Timo Werner (Community — 3.5): Had a few moments in space on the left, and put in a wonderful cross for Brennan to tap in. But like the rest of the team he struggled to make much of an impact beyond that.

Destiny Udogie (Community — 3.0): Wasn’t awful, but also wasn’t very impactful on either side of the ball.

Yves Bissouma (Community — 3.0): A real mixed performance, blending periods of solid play with some defensive miscues.

Pape Sarr (Community — 3.0): Did a lot of solid work off the ball, but less impactful when on the ball. Struggled to break down Fulham’s mid-block.

Lake Ontario is the smallest of the Great Lakes, but it does have one thing going for it — it’s the only Great Lake that doesn’t touch any part of Michigan. That makes it the red-headed stepchild of the Midwestern great lakes, and detracts from its appeal... or depending on your point of view, enhances it. It also, according to Gordon Lightfoot, “takes in what Lake Erie can send her.” Always the bridesmaid, huh?

Brennan Johnson (Community — 3.0): Apart from the back post tap in goal, he did absolutely NOTHING out there. That said, he did have the back post tap in goal.

Pedro Porro (Community — 3.0): It’s not really his fault — the guy was so gassed that he could barely run.

James Maddison (Community — 3.0): Apart from the free kick that skimmed under the wall and off the post, I’m struggling to think of anything he actually did. A forgettable match.

Dejan Kulusevski (Community — 3.0): Too little too late for Deki, who didn’t have much time to make an impact and didn’t make much of one when he did come in.

Ange Postecoglou (Community — 2.5): I get Ange’s hands are a bit tied with rotation and injury concerns, but he could’ve made more timely subs.

Lake Erie. It has algae blooms and precious few islands. You can take a quick cruise past Cedar Point which is kinda fun, but the biggest knock on Erie is that it borders and defines Ohio, indisputably the worst state in the Union.

Son Heung-Min (Community — 2.5): A forgettable afternoon. His touch was betraying him and he looked hesitant to shoot on the rare occasions he did get the ball at his feet in the box. Missed a sitter.

Technically the Great Salt Lake qualifies as a “Great Lake” (it’s literally in the name) but it is a) not Midwestern, b) salty as hell because nothing ever leaves it except through evaporation, c) has too many Mormons nearby, and d) is steadily shrinking in size. At what point are we allowed drop the “Great” from Salt Lake?

No Tottenham players were as bad as the Great Salt Lake.

Tom Carroll Memorial Non-Rating