Cartilage Free Captain

Honestly, this has been one of the quietest Tottenham Hotspur news periods since I started writing for this blog 15 years ago. The team is only playing one match per week, they’re currently in Marbella doing a warm weather team bonding and training exercise, and there just isn’t… anything… really to talk about. Say what you want about the transfer window but at least I never was short of things to write about.

But one thing that people had noticed this week was the absence of Mateus Fernandes from any Marbella training photos or videos. This being Tottenham’s fanbase, naturally people expected the worst and were bracing for news that he tore an ACL or a hamstring in training and will be out six months or something.

The truth is a lot more pleasant. Acccording to Alasdair Gold, Fernandes hasn’t been in training much this week because his partner just had a baby, making him a first time father.

Now as anyone who has ever been a parent knows, those early days, weeks and months are exhilarating, exciting, and extremely, extremely tiring. I certainly don’t envy Mateus and his partner as they welcome young Gonçalo to the world, as they’ll be walking zombies for weeks. That said, plenty of footballers have become fathers during the Premier League season and have suffered few ill effects on the pitch from their parental duties and I’d assume the same here.

That said, I can absolutely understand and support the club’s decision to give him a spot of parental leave so he can go and bond with his new son. In fact, I’d say it was weird if he DIDN’T want to be home with his family after becoming a father for the first time. If it were a choice between going to Marbella and spending time at home changing diapers and holding a newborn at 3 a.m., I’d choose the baby every single time, as would most people.

Congratulations, Mateus and partner, and welcome to the world, Baby Gonçalo. Keep him away from Chirpy.

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Good morning everyone and welcome to the latest edition of fitzie’s film and tv reviews, where your hoddler-in-chief reviews the things he’s seen on the telly and in the cinema.

Today we’re finalising two ratings your hoddler-in-chief rated a few months ago - Ted Lasso, and Stuart Fails to Save the Universe. Lots of episodes have passed since then, which means it is time for a fuller review. The two shows moved in diametrically opposed directions.

Ted Lasso, series 4: The second half of this season really grew on me in that it hit a lot of what makes Ted Lasso Ted Lasso. I was worried there was a growing focus on the core cast of characters, but we get a really nice look at the new crop of players at Richmond FC Women.

It just about nailed the landing. There are plenty of new characters to be invested in - most of all the assistant coach Alice Chilton and her becoming the latest pet project to blossom under the former Tottenham Hotspur manager.

However the show suffers from what became its primary antagonist, Zelda, and the storyline about the club’s shares. Running a women’s football club is a captivating enough story on its own and doesn’t require a zany executive to swoop in with her scorpion-like tendencies. And the payoff is extraordinarily weak, making it a waste of time. There was more than one scene with Zelda that I felt like I had to skip.

Stuart Fails to Save the Universe: Now, this is one that totally fell off the rails.

I enjoyed the first two episodes because they were insane, they didn’t bend to the laws of standard sitcoms and introduced enough characters from the original Big Bang Theory to keep things interesting.

But week after week it became clear this show has no idea where it’s going. Even the creators admitted that.

Even worse, the episodes spanned between 14 and 16 minutes long, which is insulting for an HBO show. Sure, do that if you’re airing this on TBS, but not on a platform where there are no commercials. And then to have to sit through this week after week, with no idea where this is going and with the same story pretty much retold in a different universe.

There are laughs, for sure. Maybe one per episode, which makes it just interesting enough to tune in again. But then you remember the next episode will only be another ponderous 16 minutes (if you’re lucky).

Apparently it’s been renewed for a second season. I’m not looking forward to it. I don’t know what the resolution will be, and I don’t think the writers do either.

Fitzie’s track of the day: Home Depot, by Medium Build

And now for your links:

The Athletic ($$): “Richarlison scores for Tottenham Under-21s after exile from first-team squad”

The Guardian: “Barrios strikes after 53 seconds as Atlético pile misery on 10-man Manchester United”

The Independent: “Majority of English football clubs ‘on the edge of financial disaster’, landmark report finds”

”We’re not in a hurry and we aren’t actually having any conversations, we haven’t spoken to anyone about the role.

”We like where we are, we’re going to see how it goes maybe for a few games, maybe for a month.”

Patience is still required. Tottenham Hotspur played Manchester United off the Old Trafford pitch in the first half of their Premier League clash on Saturday, but Spurs’ inability to be clinical with the (numerous) chances they created resulted in a dramatic come-from-behind draw. This was after Rodrigo Bentancur was two-handed shoved to the ground by Luke Shaw, saw the red mist, and made head-to-head contact with Shaw in the ensuing scrum, resulting in a straight red and a three match ban.

The end result: Spurs are certainly better than their record, but they are still winless in their first six matches of the season, with three points from a possible 18. A much needed win could come next weekend against newly-promoted Coventry City and Spurs’ old foe Frank Lampard.

Hey, guess what? It’s Spooky Season! It’s the time of year when households decorate their front yards with ghosts, skeletons and ghoulies, TV shows are full of horror movie ads and special Halloween episodes, and people start once again listening to… let’s call it “atmospheric” music.

Over the past few years I’ve slowly cultivated a “Spooky Season” playlist in Spotify and I thought, with the weather cooling and the mood turning to the haunted and scary, that might be the makings of a decent theme. Once again this is one of those themes where there are no “bad” songs — all of them are great, and are not ranked in any particular order. So here are your Tottenham Hotspur player ratings for their draw at Old Trafford to the theme of Spooky Season songs.

One of my favorite spooky season songs. “Hombre Lobo” was the first Eels album I ever listened to and it hooked me with the werewolf thematic thread throughout and some generally creepy and atmospheric songs. I always thought this song should’ve been the theme to AMC’s The Walking Dead show and after a quick google apparently I wasn’t the only one because some guy actually made a kick-ass trailer based on this song and the comics.

No Tottenham players in this category.

Coming from Poe’s second — and most recent — album by the same name, this song (and the whole album) have a thematic connection with one of the great postmodern horror novels of all time — Mark Z. Danielevski’s “House of Leaves.” Poe and Mark are siblings, and Poe wrote this album while her brother was writing the book. It serves as a companion to House of Leaves, and also a poignant response to the then-recent death of their father.

Archie Gray (Community - 3.5): Honestly? Archie was great. Defended well on the right flank, linked up well with Kudus and ran like a demon. Is he… just a right back now? If so, he’s starting to turn into a pretty good one.

Destiny Udogie (Community - 3.5): Quite possibly his best match since his return from injury. Dynamic on the left flank, linked up well with Sávio, and went flat-out to recover defensively. Outstanding game.

Sandro Tonali (Community - 3.5): If games like that are why we bought Tonali, then I’ll start to revise my opinion on him. He was everywhere at Old Trafford. Outstanding cross to Dom Solanke’s head for the equalizing goal.

This is a recent addition to the spooky songs cohort — Beck’s first album in seven years was released just a little while ago. Beck isn’t known for his atmospheric music, but he nails the vibe here with a modal gut-string guitar driven ballad complete with soaring strings. I’m currently obsessed with this song, and the video, featuring legendary French actor Denis Levant.

Antonin Kinsky (Community - 3.5): No real complaints here. Made a couple of nice stops, couldn’t do anything about the goal conceded. Continues to distribute well from the back.

Marcos Senesi (Community - 3.0): No one will ever accuse him of being fast which worried me when Micky van de Ven started on the bench, but he’s an excellent passer from deep positions. So long as Spurs are tasked with taking and holding possession, Senesi will make a lot of sense in some matches. A fine match.

Lucas Bergvall (Community - 3.5): Look, I was worried when I saw Lucas starting in midfield but he paired extremely well with Tonali in the center. Pressed well, and was full of energy and drive, which freed up Tonali to be a little more creatively free.

Sávio (Community - 3.5): Has that WOW factor where he looks unplayable at times and can get past his man, but his final ball, either a shot or cutback to an open teammate, still needs a little work. But boy howdy, you sure can see the potential there, can’t you?

Lord Huron is my favorite band, and they’re certainly not afraid of embracing the darkness, so I knew I had to include of their songs here. This one, from their supernatural horror-themed album “Strange Trails,” is one of their spookiest.

Jan Paul van Hecke (Community - 3.0): He’s getting a lot of stick but I honestly didn’t think he defended that poorly. He’s only a “bad defender” in comparison to Cuti Romero, one of the best defenders in world football. JP was fine.

Conor Gallagher (Community - 3.5): He’s STILL not a 10, but he did a cromulent impression of one at Old Trafford. No one will deny his work rate and he buzzed around the pitch like a hornet.

Mohammed Kudus (Community - 3.0): Had a few bright moments but his finishing was a little scary. Still, worked hard and was frequently getting by his defender. Noticeably tired in the second half, rightfully subbed.

James Maddison (Community - 3.0): Still not fully fit but every time he comes in he looks more and more like his old self.

Micky van de Ven (Community - 3.0): Still not sure why he didn’t start this match considering he only played two matches in three weeks and spent the last week back in London. Replaced Udogie and played some left back before switching to CB near the end of the match while Spurs were down a man.

Roberto De Zerbi (Community - 3.0): Was flabbergasted by his lineup, but… it kinda worked? So maybe I’m the dummy.

Less a song and more a spoken poem/story accompanied by weird noises, Tom Waits is nonetheless the perfect vessel for a scary yarn. With a voice that was described by music critic Daniel Durchholz as “like it was soaked in a vat of bourbon, left hanging in the smokehouse for a few months, and then taken outside and run over with a car,” Waits’ raspy drawl tells a story of what he calls “the neighbor that we all become.”

Dominic Solanke (Community - 2.5): He gets an extra half star for the equalizing goal, which was an instinctual and lovely touch with his head, but otherwise he was absolutely hot garbage. This was a vintage Nacer Chadli performance — run around for the whole of the match doing nothing, then pop up at the death with an important goal. But I haven’t forgotten the first part of that last phrase.

Omar Marmoush (Community - 2.5): Not sure why he didn’t start which feels like a bad decision from De Zerbi. But when he did come in he didn’t offer much.

Ragtime piano is very nearly the sole realm of Scott Joplin (think “Maple Leaf Rag” or “The Entertainer”) but modern composers and musicologists have now and then embraced it late in the 20th century. None did it better than composer William Bolcom, who wrote a hefty corpus of modern rags that ranged from the traditional to the downright weird. I don’t think there are any better than his tryptich of “Three Ghost Rags,” of which “Graceful Ghost” is the first. I’m a hopeless pianist, but this piece, and the way Spencer Myer plays it, makes me wish I had stayed with it when I was a child. The B-theme, which starts at 1:10” on this video, is some of the most unsettling and genuinely spooky music I’ve ever heard. It’s weird. It’s spooky. It’s incredible. Put on some headphones and give it a good listen, because I swear I can see spirits dancing around me when I do.

Rodrigo Bentancur (Community - 1.5): F—in’ idiotic. Yes, Stuart Atwell cocked up the whole situation and yes Luke Shaw should’ve ALSO been sent off. But Lolo saw the red mist and you just absolutely can’t push your head into something like that. There’s no defending it. It was stupid and possibly cost Spurs a win.

Y’all, I had so much fun putting this together and it was seriously difficult to choose only the songs that are here. And I REALLY struggled to choose the 1-star category — I had so many good options to choose from. But in the end I turned to the age of jazz and the iconic Eartha Kitt, performing “I Want to Be Evil,” which I think is one of her best songs. Eartha had a reputation as something of a bad girl, which was patently unfair and likely spread after she was effectively blackballed for speaking out against the Vietnam War at a 1968 White House luncheon and reportedly making Lady Bird Johnson cry. Eartha Kitt is the best. Rest in power, queen. And thanks to all of you for listening and reading.

No Tottenham Hotspur players were as bad as blackballing Eartha Kitt. Why would you do such a thing?

Tom Carroll Memorial Non-Rating

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Boy oh boy. There are going to be some STRONG takes from that match. Tottenham Hotspur played Manchester United off the Old Trafford pitch in the first half, but couldn’t find a way to get the ball into the back of the net. Bryan Mbeumo scored on United’s third shot all game to put the hosts up 1-0, then things blew up. Substitute Rodrigo Bentancur was shown a straight red for violent conduct after Luke Shaw two-handed shoved him out of anger, but in scrum Lolo made forehead to forehead contact with Shaw in retaliation. Despite being down a goal and a man, Dominic Solanke, who struggled all match, put a glancing header past United keeper Senne Lammens to level the score.

The match ended 1-1, with Spurs snatching a point but still without a win in their opening six Premier League matches. This was a match with some truly impressive performances, and some absolute klunkers. That’s where you come in.

Rate the players from 1⁄2 to 5 stars. If the player doesn’t deserve a rating due to minutes played, DO NOT RANK. I will round the stars up/down to the nearest half-star for the player ratings later this week.

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A rollercoaster of a match at Old Trafford saw Tottenham Hotspur add to their lowly points total in dramatic fashion against Manchester United. After Spurs were unable to convert early dominance into goals, a Bryan Mbeumo goal and a brain explosion from Rodrigo Bentancur resulting in the Uruguayan’s ejection from the match appeared to condemn Spurs to yet another loss, but a late goal from Dominic Solanke rescued a point for the Lilywhites.

Roberto De Zerbi made five changes following Spurs’ loss to Aston Villa and an extended international break, with Mohammed Kudus, Conor Gallagher, Destiny Udogie, and Archie Gray coming into the starting lineup, as Marcos Senesi replaced captain Micky van de Ven who had not recovered enough from his knock suffered on international duty to start the fixture.

Tottenham Hotspur started very brightly and really should have opened the scoring in the first few minutes. United goalkeeper Senne Lammens played a risky ball out towards Kobbie Mainoo, under pressure from Lucas Bergvall, with it falling to Dominic Solanke. The Englishman really should have scored, but instead took a poor touch before hitting his shot too close to Lammens, who made an excellent save. Spurs, though, continued to dominate, and could have scored again as Mohammed Kudus latched onto a cutback from Savio, only to direct his shot wide of the post when he perhaps should have let the ball run for Archie Gray making a late run behind him.

Spurs’ dominance was telling, and the Old Trafford crowd began to boo their own team as the Red Devils struggled to complete even simple passes. The Lilywhites should have made that dominance count, having another huge chance to score before half-time, as Conor Gallagher spurned another chance. He was fed by Solanke and had acres of space near the top of the box, but instead barely got a shot off as he struggled to control the ball.

The second half started much like the first, as Spurs continued to be wasteful in the final third. Savio sprinted clear down the left before looking to square for a teammate, instead unable to find one as Luke Shaw cleared the ball off the line, before Spurs’ Brazilian winger came to the fore once more, putting the ball on a platter for Solanke. The ball was bouncing, but Solanke made an absolute meal of the chance as he was unable to even get his attempt on target from point blank range as he skied his shot.

Spurs began to tire, as United started to find something of a foothold in the match. The home side had a brief moment of joy as they had the ball in the net via Youri Tielemans, but after a few seconds the referee blew for a goal kick as the ball had clearly run out of play, before a triple substitution for United looked to capitalize on Spurs’ dwindling energy levels.

Capitalize they did, as Bryan Mbeumo created something out of nothing. Matheus Cunha played a simple pass to the Cameroonian, who was given too much space by Jan Paul van Hecke, and Mbeumo had time to turn and pick his spot. It was a tight angle, but his shot was well-placed into the side netting and Spurs once more threw away some positive play to trail in a match.

Things soon went from bad to worse for Spurs as Rodrigo Bentancur was given his marching orders. The Uruguayan was given a full-blooded shove by Shaw following a robust challenge, and Bentancur leapt to his feet and threw his head into Shaw’s face. It was a moment of madness from Bentancur, with the red card well-deserved, and it seemed like Spurs would capitulate from there.

Instead, though, Manchester United opted to sit deep and protect their lead against ten men, with Spurs taking the initiative to push for an equalizer. Things got chippy as yellow cards were handed out like candy, but Spurs kept their cool as Tonali’s cross was met by Solanke, wrestling with Lisandro Martinez, and glanced on via Solanke’s head into the net to secure a late 1-1 draw.

Reactions

Well, that was a hurried rewrite. Yay, I guess?

Could we have just one normal match supporting this club? Just one? I guess not.

Opting to start your two midfielders who played big minutes over the international break is a CHOICE, but it initially seemed to pay off, with Bergvall and Tonali VERY impressive in the press. That press dropped off though as the match went on, which was hardly surprising, and De Zerbi was too slow to make changes given the workload some of his international representatives have been under.

I wrote on this in preseason, but Conor Gallagher is such an enigma for Spurs. He is terrible in the final third as a #10, but his running is so key to Spurs enacting a quality press. Can we combine him and James Maddison into one player perhaps? Get the scientists on it!

Spurs are absolutely awful at converting chances, and a big reason for that is Dom Solanke. Hoo boy. I know this will seem churlish after he scored a late goal to steal a point, but he is just not at the level Spurs need. He’s never been a good finisher throughout his career, but now he’s actively bad. He looks nervous and uncertain in front of goal, and it’s starting to feel almost like a Roberto Soldado situation. It seems like the only goals he’ll score from here on out are those that he doesn’t have to think about at all. I’m beginning to miss Richarlison.

That was absolutely brainless by Bentancur (you know, because his brain had clearly just exploded). Shaw’s shove was rough (and received a deserved yellow) but as soon as you drop your head into another player’s, the only result is only ever going to be a straight red. Now that he’ll be out for three matches, let’s see if Roberto De Zerbi can find more reasons not to start Mateus Fernandes in the middle.

Next up: Spurs host Coventry, one of two sides below them on the table (for now). Will that match provide the elusive win?

COYS.

“He’s available but he lost 3-4 days at the end of last week and start of this. James is a special player for us. Gallagher, as a 10, also he’s playing well.We’re both frustrated because he wants to be on the pitch. Not a big injury and tomorrow he can play but the Premier League is tough and you need to be fit and in the right condition to run and fight. He is working well and this is the way. The way is to complete 3/4/5 weeks in a row without feeling pain and problems and then he’s a normal player.

“[James and I are both frustrated], because he is a good guy, he suffered to stay not on the pitch, to have the injury. Now it was not a big injury. Tomorrow he can play, but the Premier League is tough.

“Physically it is a very strong competition and you have to be in the right physical condition to compete, to run, to fight. He is a number 10, a different player, but I think he is working well and this is the way. The way is to complete three, four, five weeks in a row without problems, without feeling pain, without feeling problems. And then he is a normal player, he has nothing special, bad.”