Cartilage Free Captain

Good morning and welcome to the second part of fitzie’s top 10 songs of 2025. If you’re looking for Nos. 6-10, you best look in the hoddle before this. What? Don’t see the link? Well search in the archives, ya fool! Let’s get to it:

This is a late edition to the list, as evidenced by a recent TOTD. I overlooked this record when it came out, but I guess the fourth album is the charm for this band. I’m glad they finally made it to the centre of my radar. This is an unforgettable song. I hope it’s the beginning of a big run for them.

I love Cate Le Bon. And it’s my fault for not covering her record this year. I take full responsibility for not buying more albums this year. But that shouldn’t take away from the fact she put out another banger of an album. And that album is punctuated by the silky baroque pop song Mothers of Riches. She just keeps getting better and better.

I was talking to a bartender at my local watering hole about Suede on Monday night. I asked him if he liked it. “[Heck] yeah.” he said. And so I told him all about the new album Suede put out, and then he talked about the evolution of the band. Then we talked about Britpop, about Oasis and Blur and Pulp.

Suede will always reign supreme. I don’t care about this Oasis tour. Suede put out a solid, solid record this year in Disintegrate and the self-titled track is on the same level as Animal Nitrate. Turn off the lights, close your eyes and play it loud.

I never heard of Viagra Boys before this year. Wow, what the heck was I missing? They exploded onto the scene (at least fitzie’s) with viagr aboys, an incredible output of punk.

For me, this will go up there with Fontaines DC and Yard Act as one of the most formidable releases of 21st-century punk we have thus far encountered. It hits you in every single direction.

But really, is anything better than Wet Leg? NO !!!

I don’t care that there’s a contingent among the faithful here who think hating on Wet Leg is cool. Wanna know what’s cooler than that? Loving Wet Leg. And we know that one of you had a revelation when hearing Wet Leg on the radio in the car a few weeks ago.

This year is all about the Wet Leg. Their sophomore album contained so many bangers that it was hard to pick one to feature in my top 10 list but in the end I landed with mangeout. It’s not as sharp as their other songs - at least in musicianship - but the lyrics are far more pointed than many of Wet Leg’s previous songs. That shows a tonne of growth for this group. They’re one of the most exciting things happening in music right now.

Tottenham Hotspur Women bowed out of the Subway League Cup after a 2-1 loss to Manchester United. Spurs still put up a respectable showing despite the clear difference in depth between the two sides, and will now look to strengthen in the January transfer window.

First of all, let me take a moment to apologize for not writing about last weekend’s 3-3 draw against United in the league. United’s stoppage time equalizer sapped my spirit and I had to go outside and touch grass. It happened, it was brutal. It was exactly what you’d expect from a decent but depleted team facing opposition who has enough depth to play twice as many games. We were perhaps a bit lucky to put three goals past United in the first place, but I digress.

In a move that underscored our depth issues and injury crisis, Martin Ho selected an unchanged lineup from that 3-3 draw. It’s not super ideal to have to run out the same starting lineup against the same team, but we really didn’t have any other options.

Spurs looked solid and mostly organized in the opening stages of the first half, although individual errors (loose balls, and one notable miss from Olivia Holdt in front of goal) snuffed out any promising attacks. United looked typically dangerous but seemed content to wait patiently. Drew Spence grabbed the first goal of the game with yet another stunner – Olivia Holdt won a free kick outside the box, and the ball bobbled around for a while until Drew Spence volleyed it into the corner. It was a brilliant goal, and the typical kind of Drew Spence magic we’ve come to know and love. United pressed for an equalizer for the rest of the half but were unable to break through.

Manchester United equalized just five minutes into the second half. Rolfö got the better of Ash Neville at the corner flag and crossed into the center of the box, where the unmarked Jess Park fired home. For much of the half, United seemed on top, though it looked like both sides were trying to conserve energy in case of extra time. Last weekend’s nemesis Fridolina Rolfö grabbed the last goal after Melvine Malard got past Ash again and found her in the center. Drew Spence had a chance to equalize at the death, but it was not to be.

Thoughts

The main story of this game for me was the depth. Yes, Ash got done on the wing and gave up a cross that led to a goal twice. But she’s got little cover from substitution (Rybrink isn’t actually a fullback and Ella Morris is still out for a while longer). Martin’s system also typically involves the right winger covering in defense, and Martha (a more out and out forward) has been playing there since Jess Naz’s ACL injury. I think pretty much everyone could’ve been sharper at times throughout this game (midfield covering United attackers for their first goal, our forwards’ decision making, etc.), but man, they just really need some cover and some new faces.

It’s getting to the point in the season where I’m starting to repeat myself. I remain really impressed both with Martin Ho’s brand of football, and the fact that he was able to galvanize the side after the disheartening draw the previous weekend. But seeing United prepare to bring Melvine Malard on and then looking at our bench made me cry a little on the inside. I’ve had a few of these moments this year. I wish it would stop.

If we truly want to compete with sides like United, we need to add to the squad. Spurs have already signed a true young star in Signe Gaupset, and I’m super excited to see her once she joins on January 1. Unless we want to be stuck in midtable purgatory, we’ve got to do a lot more business. We’ve already heard some rumors (Julie Blakstad and Hannah Lund to name a few), stay tuned to see what shakes out.

Spurs Women will return in January with back to back games against Leicester City (one in the league and one in the FA cup). I’m hoping this double header goes somewhat better than the one against United. Happy Holidays to you all, and COYS!

“The opportunity here was too good to turn down. Not the fact that it was MLS. More the people. I was going to go where the good people were. The opportunity to come and implement my vision and my philosophy. I liked the youthful energy of the team when they’re at their best.

“Everyone talks, it’s much more principals than formation (these days). I don’t agree. I think it’s both. Say we play 4-3-3 and we have clear principals, perfect. Then the next week we play 3-5-2, it’s different for the players. I will be clear on our framework, positional play, and that will change as we move up the pitch.”

“I’m none of them. I’m my own person. I’ve had a vision of how the game should be played. I’ve refined that, gained experience, worked with incredible people.

“I’m staunch in my view of the game. That comes from inside of me. I can’t take that from (them).

“Development is at the center of everything I believe in with my background. I’ve got an affinity to young players. I tend to drop the word ‘youth’ from it. It’s just development. I expect to develop Rob Holding and take his game to another level.”

All is not well in North London at present. Tottenham Hotspur’s 2025/26 campaign is nearing the halfway mark, but the Lilywhites are seemingly lacking any markers of the progress you would expect at this point in a season - even under a new coach. The XI changes significantly every match; players are making simple errors; the team struggles to string several passes together; and there is a lack of cutting edge (or even a blunt one) around the opposition 18-yard box. Let’s be real here: things are not going well under Thomas Frank.

Though reports recently indicated club ownership were willing to give Frank time to reshape the side in his image, saying results have been underwhelming is an understatement, with the numbers (courtesy of FBRef) conveying an even bleaker outlook:

Statistic

Wins76Goals3926Expected Goals (xG)31.816.2Goals Against2523xG Against29.422.6Shots258168xG per Shot0.120.10Possession (%)57.851.9% of touches in attacking third28.724.2Through balls327Errors1621Yellow cards3646Red cards02

Note that even though this looks bad enough in isolation, added context makes these numbers look even worse. Last season’s equivalent Liverpool fixture was a statistical outlier, with Spurs going down 6-3 and conceding 5.6 xG against as they rolled out Radu Dragusin and Archie Gray at center back against the eventual Premier League winners. In fact, one or both of Cristian Romero and Micky van de Ven has started every match this season, with that only happening on 12 of 17 occasions last season at this point through the campaign - including that infamous match against Chelsea where both picked up injuries.

But let’s take a step back. You probably don’t need to be told how bad it is. You probably are well aware. What does this mean for the club?

This level of performance (or lack thereof) hasn’t just played out on the Premier League points table; it has also had an impact on fans, with growing discontent in the ever-decreasing numbers in the stands. Whereas it was previously near impossible to secure tickets to see Spurs play in their state-of-the-art stadium, more and more fixtures are seeing tickets released to general sale. For a club that relies heavily on matchday revenues to run things, this hurts - and will hurt the board.

It is therefore possible circumstances escalate to a point where bold decisions must be made. Dissatisfaction is growing, both in the stands and the boardroom, and while we are probably not quite at the tipping point, it feels like we’re not far away.

With that in mind, here’s a breakdown of the options available to the Spurs brass.

Option 1: Fire Frank; hire a new permanent manager

There are a number of very good arguments for firing Frank, some of which were laid bare in the numbers above; however, this is probably the least likely of the options on Vinai Venkatesham’s plate right now (assuming he’s the one with the decision-making power). The problem with going in this direction is the paucity of options available to Spurs for a replacement should Lange and Paratici opt for a new long-term appointment.

Here’s a list of some free agent managers Spurs may or may not be interested in:

Zinedine Zidane

Xavi Hernandez

Edin Terzic

Thiago Motta

Erik Ten Hag

Brendan Rodgers

Gareth Southgate

Ange Postecoglou

Does anybody feel a deep sense of something resembling ennui reading that list?

You could probably categorize those managers into four groups: probably can’t get (and we’re not actually sure how good they are); no way on Earth; I guess could work in the short-term; and the ex-girlfriend.

The first group is comprised of Zidane and Xavi. Both probably have their sights set higher than Spurs, or potentially on international roles; and it’s hard to say how well they would do in the Premier League anyway. With Zidane, it’s very much a case of “Could he do it on a rainy Wednesday night at Stoke?” - we’ve never seen him manage anywhere else except the titans of Real Madrid, and Spurs in the Prem is very much a different prospect. Xavi is similar, except with much, much less of a record of success on his resume, as well as some troubling outbursts while at the helm of Barcelona.

Saying no way on Earth to Edin Terzic is maybe a little harsh, but Terzic is basically Bundesliga Frank. He took over a swashbuckling Borussia Dortmund side and made them… boring. They were more solid at the back, but became dour to watch, and despite endless tinkering, Terzic was never really able to make Dortmund click. Sound familiar? Thiago Motta is a similar story. After an impressive stint with Bologna in Serie A, he jumped ship to Juventus where he also struggled to produce anything resembling fluidity.

Gareth Southgate would be a questionable appointment, but I do think Spurs could do worse if they were looking for a short-term solution. I think he would build a good sense of unity amongst the squad and put out something unimpressive, albeit functional, on the pitch. To be very clear, I don’t want Southgate, and wouldn’t see him as anything but a temporary appointment. As such, he probably fits more in the below section, but I doubt he would want to accept an interim role.

And that brings us full circle to Big Ange. Would Spurs go back there? For that matter, would Ange? I think the answer to both those questions is no. Lange and Vinai (and potentially Paratici) would have been involved in the decision to remove him in the first place, and I’d say it’s unlikely they would second guess that decision. Ange himself disposed of most of the reputational capital he built following Spurs’ Europa League win in his short stint at Nottingham Forest, so maybe he’d view it as an opportunity to rebuild his profile; but I think he’d instead see it as a way to only tarnish it further (including amongst the Spurs faithful).

To those questioning where Erik Ten Hag and Brendan Rodgers sit: I don’t understand the question and I won’t respond to it.

The other risk factor in both this and Option 2’s outworking I mentioned in the opening paragraph of this section: Johan Lange and Fabio Paratici. Thomas Frank by all accounts was Lange’s appointment, and that follows a number of underwhelming signings under Lange. It’s hard to forget Paratici’s record with managerial appointments at Spurs as well, with the disastrous see-saw of targets from Paulo Fonseca to Gennaro Gattuso, before finally appointing Nuno Espirito Santo; while later appointee Antonio Conte did his best to burn any and all bridges on his way out of the club. Are these really the guys we want targeting a new (especially permanent) manager?

Option 2: Fire Frank; hire an interim manager

I said above there are a number of good reasons for firing Frank - and I think unless Spurs are at risk of relegation, Spurs higher-ups would largely only consider some of the non-football reasons touched on previously. Frank’s relationship with the fandom has been testy at best thus far, with a few ill-judged comments (as well as poor performances) leading to fan reactions that fall just short of revolt. There’s also been some interesting comments and reactions from members of the squad. If relations on either front continue to deteriorate, and on-pitch results don’t improve, the board would likely have no choice but to fire Frank.

Make no mistake, though - this is a risky option. In this scenario, Spurs are potentially in free-fall down the table, and the expectation would be that an inexperienced or ambitious candidate would be able to stem the bleeding. That’s a huge roll of the dice.

In years past, that roll of the dice would likely have landed on Ryan Mason. He’s no longer available to fill that role, currently in charge of West Bromwich Albion in the Championship (and leading them to a rather disappointing 16th). Another member of the current coaching staff who may have also been considered was Matt Wells. He came on board under Ange Postecoglou and was retained under Thomas Frank (albeit with a small demotion), which speaks well of his abilities; however, recent reports have him headed to the Colorado Rapids in MLS.

The best option currently left on staff then is probably Justin Cochrane. Having worked his way up through Spurs’ youth ranks, he’s also been a head coach with England at various age-grade levels, and more senior stints at Manchester United and Brentford before his return to Spurs put him in good stead for a step up. If Spurs wanted somebody to take the reins on a short-term basis, he’s the least risky option.

You know, unless you wanted to go the Ben Davies player-coach route. Do it Vinai.

Option 3: Retain Frank

Honestly, unless things become irredeemable with Frank at the helm (and I’m not talking about missing out on Europe here - I’m talking about risk of relegation or a staff / fan revolt) this is probably the most likely course of action. It’s low risk and it gives the Spurs brass more options in the summer; especially given the number of high-profile coaches that could be available come the conclusion of the 2026 World Cup.

It would be much easier to coax previously linked managers such as Oliver Glasner (who appears to be all but done at Crystal Palace) and Andoni Iraola to Spurs in the offseason, and Mauricio Pochettino, Thomas Tuchel, and Julian Nagelsmann could all be good appointments, as well as potentially without jobs, following World Cup campaigns in charge of USA, England, and Germany, respectively.

I personally have been against the rehiring of Pochettino in the past, especially given his stint at Chelsea - the irony being his ability to turn that side around in extremely challenging circumstances (followed by his perhaps unfair sacking) is the reason I would even really consider his return. Tuchel on face value seems unappealing, but would likely fit well into what the Spurs front office were trying to achieve by hiring Frank: a smart tactician who is flexible and gets his sides playing consistent, front-foot football. Nagelsmann is perhaps the most intriguing of this international triumvirate: after being dismissed (like Pochettino, perhaps unfairly) from Bayern Munich, he has worked wonders with the German national team, getting them playing in both an intricate and penetrating manner.

One name that could be available and definitely piques a significant amount of interest is that of Xabi Alonso. The former Liverpool and Real Madrid midfielder did the unthinkable when he took charge of Bayer Leverkusen a couple of years back: going unbeaten in the Bundesliga and beating Bayern Munich to the title. Since then, he has shifted to Real Madrid, where he has struggled somewhat with some of the dressing room egos and demanding fans - starting well, but leaving some dissatisfied as the team from the Spanish capital trail rivals Barcelona. If Real Madrid were silly enough to fire Xabi, he would be an excellent get; the problem being that many sides (and some with resources greater than Spurs) would likely be queueing up to secure his services.

Of course, this whole “Retain Frank” section has largely been written with a large “for now” asterisk in the subtext. There is a distinct possibility that Frank turns things around and constructs some sort of success from this shaky start. The odds of that possibility, however, are eroding with every misplaced pass, every boo from the stand, and every lackluster performance, and there has been little to give me confidence that Frank can indeed succeed in North London. Given he is Spurs’ manager, I am inclined to give him every last chance, and I think that those higher up in the club will want to do so as well - but surely the Dane is on thin ice.

Your hoddler-in-chief will be travelling to his native california for the holiday season.that means we’ll be short of timely links for you link-hungry commenters. but i am endeavouring my darnedest to ensrue you get a little morsel of links for your link-hungry appetite. it might not be spurs, it might not be football. but it’ll be a link. and, by fitzie, you will not care one bit. now, onto the hoddle

We’re near the end of the new year which means it’s time to check in on fitzie’s favourite songs of 2025. I had a hard time figuring out my top songs of the year, and the 2025 edition features only half the songs from 2024. Is this because of the industry’s output, or your hoddler-in-chief’s insulation from the industry? I think the latter.

Regardless, there was a lot of good music this year. Much of it probably passed by your hoddler-in-chief. But we still found 10 songs that warranted singling out. So here we go - here are fitzie’s top 10 songs of 2025:

No.10: La Perla, by Rosalia

Rosalia bursted onto the scene this year with her fourth studio album. I’m a little surprised by how much I like this particular one. It doesn’t quite feature the Latin beat that we usually get, and maybe that’s why I find it so refreshing.

No.10: 9, Manchild, by Sabrina Carpenter

This is pretty much Sabrina Carpenter’s answer to Chapell Roan’s Good Luck Babe. It doesn’t hit as hard as that track. It isn’t as good, frankly. Nor is it as good as Espresso, the 2024 Summer Song (and a feature in fitzie’s top 20 last year).

But dammit, it’s catchy. And that gives Sabrina Carpenter a place again in Fitzie’s top tracks.

No. 8: Cry, by Haim

Okay, I’ll admit Haim’s fourth album didn’t quite live up to expectations. It’s hard to after the huge success of Women In Music Part III, so I try my best to distinguish the two. The biggest bright spot is Este Haim’s turn in the spotlight carrying lead vocals. She does a really nice job with this pop track. I like it a lot. And I don’t care if you dislike it. It’s my top 10.

No. 7: Dense Phantasy, by Aaron Parks

The lone jazz song in fitzie’s top ten songs of the year. It sounds the closest to the Blue Note series your hoddler-in-chief fell in love with. I’m glad this kind of jazz still exists.

And I’m glad we have people like Aaron Parks still playing it.

No. 6: Lou Reed was my Babysitter, by Jeff Tweedy

Jeff Tweedy is back with a new record, and one that feature some of his tightest songwriting yet. This entry pays homage to Lou Reed (an easy way to win over the hoddler-in-chief). This song, more than six minutes, might not make it to the airwaves, but it sounds very Lou Reed not just from the lyrics but also the construction of the melody. It’s Lou Reed.

We shouldn’t be too worried about how much this song sounds like Lou Reed. He was Jeff Tweedy’s babysitter, after all.

Fitzie’s track of the day: Lou Reed was my Babysitter, by Jeff Tweedy

And now for your links:

The Athletic ($$): “Even Cristian Romero’s most ardent advocates can’t defend his latest act of petulance”

The Times: “Haim on Relationships, our song of the year: ‘It took almost ten years’”

NPR: “Rosalía’s LUX is NPR Music’s No. 1 album of 2025”

Mojo: “Jeff Tweedy’s Favourite Albums Of The Year”

What a weird, spirited, disappointing, strangely encouraging match that was. Tottenham Hotspur outplayed what was a pretty garbage Liverpool performance at the Tottenham Hotspur Stadium on Saturday, but couldn’t get out of their own way. Xavi Simons picked up a stupid VAR-upgraded red for a rash challenge on Virgil van Dijk, Cuti Romero picked up a second yellow (also bull) late and was also sent off, Liverpool scored a goal that never should’ve counted, there was some of the worst refereeing I’ve ever seen in professional football, and Tottenham still nearly got a result, rallying late and nearly equalizing while down two men. The final score was a 1-2 loss, but for once the anger I was feeling was not because of how Tottenham Hotspur played football under Thomas Frank.

Steve Martin is, and will forever be, my favorite comedian. I grew up listening to his early ‘70s absurdist, banjo-centric stand-up on LP, and have followed his career ever since I was a kid from smoky comedy club stages to movies and to his professional bluegrass music career. One summer when I was in my early teens my older brother and I set out to watch (on VHS!) every movie that Steve’s been in, starting with his cameos in The Muppet Movie and the awful Movers and Shakers to his rom-com hits of the late ‘80s and early ‘90s. We were successful, much to our incredibly patient parents’ chagrin, and it cemented our love and respect for his comedy chops, physical comedy gifts, and timing.

The idea for this theme came from another reader whom I can’t remember, but it’s a good one and I thank whomever it was for sending me back down memory lane. Since our summer movie marathon, Martin has been in so many more movies so it makes this one of those super large categories that can’t be properly contained in a five-star Tottenham Hotspur player review system. But dammit, I’m going to give it my best shot, though I’ll limit it to movies that he’s had a starring or major supporting role in and not just a cameo.

Here are your Tottenham Hotspur player ratings to the theme of Steve Martin movies.

There are other Steve Martin that are more popular, and several that are higher rated by movie-goers, but for me Dirty Rotten Scoundrels is Steve Martin at the peak of his film comedy. Pairing Steve, playing a small-time con-man with Michael Caine, a sophisticated grifter, makes for some excellent comedic moments, especially the “Ruprecht” scenes. The plot is ridiculous, but Martin and Caine obviously had an incredible time making this movie and they play so well together. A masterpiece.

No Tottenham players in this category.

No Tottenham players in this category.

Steve does zany, physical comedy incredibly well, but he’s just as comfortable playing a straight man (see Planes, Trains, and Automobiles, which probably deserves to be on this list and yet isn’t) or a comedic foil. As he aged, he tended towards these kinds of roles; this is an earlier one and one of the best. Martin low-plays the jokes in this family comedy as a relatable dad. He doesn’t steal the show in this one, but he’s a wonderful cog in an ensemble cast that sells the premise.

Djed Spence (Community — 3.5): Pleased with Djed on this one. Got forward and behind Liverpool’s back line on a number of occasions. Three stand out — the one vs. Bradley that led to the bullshit foul call on him, the chip into the box for Kolo Muani’s header, and the should’ve-been-a-penalty shout that ended up a bullshit non-call.

Richarlison (Community — 4.0): Came out playing with an edge likely borne out by anger and frustration at the situation. Got shoved down in the box (no call, lol), got up immediately, and poked a ball home to give Spurs a chance. Had an equalizer blocked later on. Pru pru, motherf—ers.

I will always love The Jerk. Is it a perfect comedy movie? Nah. There are some jokes that were funny at the time that didn’t age well (although I will defend the “born a poor black child” who can’t dance scene to the death and it’s obvious he treats the bit with the social and racial respect it deserves) but the physical comedy and the sheer volume of yucks is off the scale and it has so many bits (“The phone books are here!” “I don’t need anyone… except this paddleball…” “He hates these cans! Stay away from the cans!”) that I still quote to my bewildered children decades later. One of the best movies from Steve’s “Wild and Crazy Guy” post-SNL era.

Pedro Porro (Community — 3.0): Looked sharp in the opening half hour but was significantly neutered going forward after Xavi’s red card. He’s frequently hot and cold on his delivery, and this time he was pretty lukewarm, but overall it was a decent outing.

Micky van de Ven (Community — 3.5): Did well to cover defensively, though he couldn’t quite get a touch on Isak’s goal. Ignore all the Liverpool trolls — that was a good sliding challenge on Isak and not at all dirty; sometimes injuries happen on clean challenges and that was one of them.

Randal Kolo Muani (Community — 3.0): Went close with a soft header in the first half, had a deflected shot off the crossbar in the second, and got into numerous dangerous positions. Happy with that performance, even if he needed to score one of them.

As a kid, this was one of Steve’s movies that I kept coming back to again and again. This was the very first collaboration with Martin’s long-time friend and co-conspirator Martin Short, along with Chevy Chase, who makes an odd third wheel, but one that remarkably works in a zany and stupid-in-a-good-way Mexican comedy. The jokes don’t always land, especially after nearly 30 years, but the ones that do REALLY do (I still use the phrase “Would you say you have a… plethora of piñatas?” in public. Those who know, know.)

Guglielmo Vicario (Community — 3.0): Yes, he was awful with the ball at his feet… again. Couldn’t really do anything to prevent either goal and had a few smart saves otherwise.

Rodrigo Bentancur (Community — 3.0): Worked his tail off in midfield, especially after Xavi’s red. No real complaints about him this time, which is a nice thing to say.

Archie Gray (Community — 3.0): Continue to be pleased with Archie’s progression in midfield this season. If nothing else, we can say that this is the year Archie turned into a good, useful player.

Lucas Bergvall (Community — 3.0): Interesting tactical wrinkle to play Lucas in the left-sided half-space in lieu of a true left winger. He tucked in a LOT and dragged defenders with him which gave Spence freedom to bomb forward. A workman-like match for him with little to show for it.

Thomas Frank (Community — 2.5): I don’t think you can judge Frank too harshly for this loss as really none of it was on him, there was historic referee ineptitude, and he actually got Spurs to outplay a pretty terrible Liverpool side. That said, I don’t think this performance told us too much either. Three stars feels fair.

Brennan Johnson (Community — 3.0): This felt like a match where Brennan’s unique skills could’ve made a difference from the beginning. As it was, he set up Richarlison for a chance and did his best while Spurs were down a man. Was this his farewell match before he fucks off to Palace?

Peter Sellers’ Inspector Clouseau is one of the great comedy characters in movie history. If you’re going to make those movies you better get a lead that can knock it out of the park. The problem is that as good as Steve is at physical comedy, you can’t out-GOAT the GOAT. Steve didn’t have a lot of material to work with in this movie (or its sequel) but I think he realized he’ll never be funnier then Sellers and kind of phones it in.

Cuti Romero (Community — 2.0): His cheap pass and giveaway set up Isak for Liverpool’s first goal. I won’t get on him too much for the second yellow because of extenuating circumstances — John Brooks got so many things wrong (shove on Cuti for Liverpool’s second goal, bullshit dissent yellow card, failure to call a foul on Konate) that getting sent off feels unfair. But this wasn’t an especially good match for Spurs’ club captain irrespective of the sending off.

Joao Palhinha (Community — 2.5): Not much of an impact in this one, though we can thank his whiff in the box for setting up Richarlison.

Wilson Odobert (Community — 2.5): Tough for me to judge him too harshly since Spurs were down to nine men for much of his cameo, but I wanted to see a little more attacking with the ball.

I really wanted to like this movie, but I didn’t. A noir spoof starring Steve Martin directed by Carl Reiner? Yes please! And you can tell Steve also really wanted this to work. But this was a brilliant short film idea expanded out to movie-length and the bit falls a bit too flat, as do many of the jokes. A shame, as Martin seemed to really want this to work — you can tell he was really going for it here.

Mohammed Kudus (Community — 2.0): Seriously, what’s the point of this guy? Even before the sending off I was screaming at him slowing down in transitions, killing counterattack possibilities, and dribbling into trouble over and over and over. I wasn’t wild about his transfer at the time, and I’m even less wild about what he brings to this team now.

Xavi Simons (Community — 1.5): You don’t ruin the bit. What an incredibly stupid challenge to make on Van Dijk. I’d argue it was more of an orange card exacerbated by watching it slowed down on VAR, but I’m not arguing the sending off at all. It was rash, impetuous, and awful and even though the rest of the team came out firing afterwards, this was a Liverpool team there for the taking and Xavi tied one of Spurs’ hands behind its back.

Another family comedy with Steve as the comedic foil, but this time co-starring Queen Latifah as an escaped con who must convince people that the bumbling divorcee Martin is a “perfect romantic match” to avoid going back to prison. Latifah seems to be having a ball but nobody else in the theaters were. In contrast to The Jerk, the racial stereotype jokes were somewhat problematic then and especially are now.

John Brooks: I read after this match that this was just the fifth Premier League match this guy has officiated. He should not do another one. Words cannot express how uniformly awful this officiating was. I am generally not a “blame the ref” guy but in this case, I put about 65% of the loss on him and his stupid, insane decisions in a match that he had clearly lost control of. Don’t worry, I’m sure the PGMOL will issue an apology and make all of us feel better.

Universally considered the worst Steve Martin movie ever made, and who am I to say otherwise? Just a disaster from start to finish, and you can tell Steve phones this one in. Oh well, not every movie’s going to be a banger. But if you’re doing a Steve-O-Thon this holiday season, you can safely skip this one, I won’t tell.

No Tottenham Hotspur players were as bad as Mixed Nuts.

Little Shop of Horrors Memorial Non-Rating

Mathys Tel

Erik Lamela Memorial Shithouse Award

Richarlison: Given only for him squaring up to Szoboszlai after the goal to give him a little extra business. That’s a proper shithouse move for our shithouse pigeon.

We don’t have much of an update about Tottenham Hotspur co-Sporting Director Fabio Paratici and his potential departure to Fiorentina. News broke a couple of days earlier that La Viola, currently dead last in the Serie A table and looking set for relegation if they don’t complete a major turnaround, had approached Paratici (but crucially not Tottenham) to gauge his interest in becoming Fiorentina’s new Director of Football position.

So the update is not that Don Fabio has agreed to leave the club, but that Fiorentina are serious about it. A lot can yet happen, but this does appear to be A Thing.™

I am not a betting man, but if I were I’d probably say that this is very likely to happen. While it’s weird that Paratici would leave Spurs, a club that backed him during his ban from football-related activities and gave him work as a consultant, after only two months into his current position. That said, Fabio is Daniel Levy’s man — the offer to work alongside Johan Lange as a co-Sporting Director came from the former Chairman, and Levy was outed by the Lewis Kids this fall.

So that makes it potentially a complicated situation. Irrespective of whether Fabio wants to leave to return to Italy or not, you can also see where Paratici leaving would create a vacancy that could be filled by the new regime. Maybe that means this becomes fully Lange’s show, or maybe Spurs CEO Vinai Venkatesham would shuffle the deck chairs again, appoint an actual Director of Football, and again adjust Lange’s responsibilities. Maybe new appointment Rafi Moersen would have some sort of role also. We don’t know, but it could potentially be significant, especially with the January transfer window looming.

But that’s putting the cart in front of the horse. First things first, we need to know what Fabio wants to do. Romano makes it sound like he’s willing to leave to build Fiorentina back up, potentially from scratch, and as I said earlier that might have its appeal. Whatever happens, I hope it resolves quickly one way or the other, because major backroom disruptions right before a critical transfer window is troubling.

Thank goodness we have a Tottenham Hotspur Christmas jumper.

I can’t seem to find the link, but I do remember (either this year or the one before that) complaining that Spurs do not have a Christmas jumper. But they do this year. Here it is:

Here I am asking a few questions:

Why do we need “Merry Christmas” where the kit sponsor usually is?

Why is there a “COYS” where the Nike logo usually is?

Why is the club crest so darn cool?

Regardless of the above, I do enjoy the cleaner look behind this jumper. It’s too late for your hoddler-in-chief to sport this bad boy (he will be wearing a gray Christmas jumper with the sketch of a dinosaur sporting a red Santa hat - it’s actually tasteful), and it might be too late for you. But it isn’t too late for Pedro Porro, Beth England or Micky van de Ven.

I did a little more searching on the Spur shop and there’s also a cockerel snowglobe (cool!), a THFC ornament (ok), a pet Christmas jumper (why?), Christmas socks (not bad) and a Christmas stocking (not the best but sure why not).

All this is to say I will stick with my Tottenham Hotspur oven mitt that I bought more than a decade ago.

Fitzie’s track of the day: Santa Claus Wants Some Lovin’, by Albert King

And now for your links:

Alasdair Gold: “Thomas Frank’s unexpected Arne Slot chat in a corridor after defeat and what Romero told Bergvall”

Jack P-B ($$): “Tottenham lost at home again. But in the chaos there was unity”

Tottenham Hotspur welcomed Liverpool to North London in Spurs’ final fixture prior to Christmas. A combination of red and white colors gave a festive feel to a challenging match, as Spurs looked to secure their first Premier League win against the Reds in over two years. Thomas Frank made some big selection calls, bringing in young players Lucas Bergvall, Xavi Simons, and Archie Gray to start, but without fully going for it as he retained his Rodrigo Bentancur safety blanket. Arne Slot did similarly with Liverpool, as Alexander Isak started on the bench and Florian Wirtz started as Liverpool’s only real wide attacker.

A first half that lacked in quality also lacked in chances for both sides. Randal Kolo Muani possibly had the best opportunity of the first 45, heading a shot straight at Alisson after Djed Spence headed a Pedro Porro cross back across goal. Liverpool had an opportunity of their own, with Florian Wirtz forcing an excellent save from Guglielmo Vicario, the Italian pushing the ball wide with Liverpool attackers on hand for a tap-in. Outside of those two moments, however, the half was a pattern of failed transitions and poor giveaways.

The moment that really set the tone for the rest of the match though was a brain explosion from Xavi Simons. With Virgil van Dijk facing back towards his own goal, Xavi attempted to press and lunged in to try and win possession. He instead raked his studs down van Dijk’s calf, and after initially being shown a yellow by John Brooks, was deservedly shown a red after VAR intervened. Spurs were down to ten men, but still didn’t seem overawed by the challenge ahead, going into the half at nil-all.

Liverpool looked to make their numbers advantage count, making a half-time change and bringing in Alexander Isak for Conor Bradley. That change paid dividends with Isak opening the scoring. Cristian Romero played a shocking pass straight at a Liverpool player, with the ball falling to Hugo Ekitike. With the Spurs defense out of shape, Ekitike squared to Wirtz in space, who played in Isak, with the Swede finishing calmly past Vicario.

Brennan Johnson was brought on for Mohammed Kudus, with Thomas Frank trying to engineer a way back into the match for Spurs, with Kolo Muani soon going close. A driving, mazy run at the Liverpool defense almost created something out of nothing, with his deflected cross looping over Alisson and pinging off the crossbar as Johnson lurked. A looping effort at the other end though ended with a different result, as a header from Ekitike dropped into the top corner. Ekitike clearly shoved Romero, putting two hands into the Argentine’s back and sending him sprawling, but for some unknown reason the goal stood, with Romero seeing a yellow for showing his feelings on the ridiculous call.

More substitutions followed as Liverpool dropped deeper, seemingly comfortable in their two-goal lead until Richarlison narrowed the gap to one, latching onto a loose ball during a set piece scramble and finishing well past Alisson. The Brazilian forward was nearly in again as well, breaking in behind but unable to put a shot on target as three Liverpool defenders closed in on him.

Spurs’ mountain to climb though soon became an Everest as they went down to nine men. Romero was shown a second yellow for an ill-judged lash out at Ibrahima Konate. There wasn’t much in it, but it was stupid from Romero when on a yellow, and Brooks didn’t have much choice but to brandish the second caution. Even while down to nine, though, Spurs kept pushing for an equalizer - but none was forthcoming, and Spurs went down 1-2 in yet another home loss.

Reactions

Was this Thomas Frank’s Chelsea moment? The fight shown by Spurs and willingness to throw everything at the wall to try and get a result, even while down to nine men, was impressive. They didn’t let up, even when it seemed everything (including but not limited to the referee) was against them.

Speaking of which: my goodness, that was one of the most one-sided refereeing performances I’ve ever seen. The number of fouls awarded to Liverpool was absolutely ridiculous, with the Reds dropping left, right, and center, and John Brooks obliging. Of course, the same calls going the other way weren’t given, and Liverpool’s second goal should never have stood. Brooks will probably need an escort out of the stadium.

That said, Xavi Simon’s red card was absolutely the right call. An absolutely idiotic challenge from the Dutchman, who was nowhere near the ball, and now he’s suspended for three matches through the festive period. Dumb dumb dumb.

Dumb dumb dumb probably describes Romero’s second yellow well. Why do that, Cuti? Of course, he should never have been on a yellow in the first place.

Are Liverpool the worst team we’ve played this season? As bad as Spurs were, they were really bad, unable to push forward without leaving themselves completely open to transition opportunities - a number of which Spurs had but utterly failed to capitalize on.

On that point, Mohammed Kudus: What would you say you do here, exactly? Another in a list of frustrating performances. The guy can dribble. Dribbling is cool! But the dribbling was too often followed by a pass to nobody, an aimless cross, or a run out of play, and I lost count of the number of transitions he killed with poor decision making.

Where to from here for Spurs? They are going to be short-handed now going into the busiest period of the year. It’s not great timing, and the pressure is only going to increase on Frank. Here’s hoping the team use this as a galvanizing moment, as opposed to folding under said pressure.

COYS!

There’s a bit of a bombshell report out on social media, and now corroborated by English journalists, ahead of Spurs’ match against Liverpool today. Matteo Moretto broke the news that Tottenham’s co-Sporting Director Fabio Paratici is wanted by Serie A side Fiorentina to be their new Director of Football.

Apparently Fiorentina, currently last in Serie A with six points in 15 games and likely headed for relegation if they can’t engineer a great escape in the second half of the season, wants to bring the Don back to Italy on a five year deal.

Moretto’s report was later corroborated by Matt Law, though Law notably states that Spurs have not received an official approach from Fiorentina for Paratici. So that’s the official club line, though who actually knows!

Your reaction to this news is likely a Rorschach test for your Tottenham fandom. If you are of the opinion that the tandem duo of Johan Lange and Paratici are at the core of Tottenham’s misfortunes in building the current squad, the idea of Paratici going home to mama might not disappoint you too much! On the other hand, if Paratici does leave that does leave a critical vacancy right before the start of the January transfer window, one that potentially could leave more power in the hands of Lange. Annnnnnnnnnnnnnd…

It would be a little weird that Paratici would bolt for an Italian club that’s likely going to be playing in Serie B next season so soon after returning to Spurs in an official capacity, especially when Spurs were the club that allowed him to keep “working” in football during his ban over his involvement in the Juventus plusvalenza scandal. But maybe Fiorentina would provide him the challenge of rebuilding a former Italian power from scratch, and offers a return to working a high level job in his home country. That would make some sense to me too, I guess.