Football365

Very obviously, here at F365 we have simply nothing better to do with our lives than write vast reams of guff about tish and sometimes even fipsy.

We take great delight, for instance, in writing several thousand words about things that haven’t happened and won’t happen. Every time someone talks about Man City’s charges, we gleefully set out to redistribute all the pots and pans they’ve won by bloody cheating, thinking nothing of spending several of the precious hours we are granted on this earth and can never get back to crafting 4000 words of nonsense with the primary goal of managing to give Spurs a trophy.

But that’s us. We’re idiots. That’s absolutely fine. It’s not beneath us to behave in such dignityphobic fashion. But do you know who it should be beneath? Actual football people. And yet, here we are, with Mauricio Pochettino actually saying out loud with his mouth that Spurs should be awarded the 2016/17 Premier League title because of Chelsea’s assorted antics.

That’s all the encouragement we need. The 74 charges against Chelsea are from the Abramovich Era. Surely, though, it can’t be fair or rational or correct or right to simply reallocate every single one of the 21 trophies Chelsea won in that time? To quote the great Mick McCarthy: it can. It is quite literally the only rational course of action at this point.

Let’s go.

Chelsea entered the League Cup in round three and we really, really can’t be arsed to imagine what might have happened had they had to do round two due to not being in Europe. We may be the sort of maniac willing to spend all day trying to extricate Chelsea from the last two decades of English football, but even we have our limits.

So, round three where they beat London rivals West Ham 1-0 at Stamford Bridge. That tie is now a walkover for the happy Hammers, who face Newcastle in the last 16. With West Ham in the Championship that season, the chances are it would be Premier League Newcastle who progress. We never said this would be foolproof.

On go the Toon to the quarter-finals, then, and a trip to Fulham. Now this one’s tough to call: they finished on the same number of Premier League points – 44 – and each had a convincing away win in their league encounters. Fulham won 4-1 at St James’ Park and Newcastle 3-1 at Craven Cottage. As this hypothetical League Cup clash is at the Cottage, we’re going to have to go with the visitors.

So it’s onwards to a two-legged semi-final against Manchester United for Newcastle. And this one’s nice and easy. Newcastle lost home and away to Manchester United in the Premier League, and thus Sir Alex Ferguson’s side set up a humdinger of a final against Liverpool.

United finished 19 points clear of Liverpool in the league and so are clear winners here because there is quite simply no way the Liverpool side of 2005 was capable of pulling off something extraordinarily unlikely in a cup final.

New winners: Manchester United

Nice and easy, this one. Arsenal’s Invincibles may not have matched the history-making exploits of the previous season but with Chelsea’s 95 illegitimate points struck from the record the Gunners still defend their title with some ease. Expunging their draws against Chelsea leaves Arsenal with 81 points from their 36 games, still four clear of Manchester United despite Sir Fergie’s side losing home and away to the dastardly Blues.

FA Cup winners Arsenal also therefore claim The Double while Everton finish third and Liverpool fourth – thus avoiding all that unpleasant awkwardness of needing to squeeze five English clubs into the following season’s Champions League.

Worth noting that we also lose one of the only interesting thing about the already settled 26/27 Premier League title race, which will now not in fact be the first time Arsenal have defended the league title since the 1930s. Sorry about that.

New winners: Arsenal

With Arsenal now holding both the league title and FA Cup, they take on Premier League runners-up Manchester United in the Traditional Season Curtain Raiser. Now picking a winner here is slightly tricky because not only is it not a real major trophy, it’s also not even really a proper competitive match. It is the original and greatest of Glorified Friendlies (not that anything is particularly friendly when these two sides meet, Clive!!!!1!!one!). Luckily, Arsenal and Manchester United’s dominance in the years preceding Chelsea’s rouble-powered arrival at the top table gives us a pretty reasonable Charity/Community Shield form guide to use. They had met in four of the previous seven such showpieces and Arsenal had won three – including in 2004 – while United’s sole victory came on penalties in 2003. The data is firmly in the Gunners’ favour here.

New winners: Arsenal

The first real bit of fun. Up to now we’ve just been inflating the already bountiful trophy counts of the two most successful clubs of the immediate pre-Abramovich era. It in some way explains – if not excuses – why the British football media largely turned a blind eye to what had turned Chelsea into such a force. They and everyone else had grown bored of the United-Arsenal duopoly and here was a new challenger led by the charming and endlessly quotable Jose Mourinho before he became an embittered parody account of himself. But it turns out we didn’t need Chelsea and their billions to generate a media-pleasing narrative.

Although Manchester United finished second, they foolishly picked up three of their 83 points against Mourinho’s men. Third-placed Liverpool were not so daft, shrewdly collecting all their 82 points from teams whose entirely unproblematic ownership would not cause a single issue 20 years down the line.

Thus Liverpool’s long wait for a league title ends at a mere 16 years and Rafa Benitez follows up his Champions League success of the previous year with a domestic Double to firmly cement his place among the absolute greats. He also probably never has that “facts” rant, or manages Newcastle. Or Everton.

Spurs, meanwhile, spend the final day of the season cheerfully vomiting their way to an irrelevant defeat at West Ham, having long since secured a top-four finish and a first foray into the Champions League.

New winners: Liverpool

Okay, we are starting to regret heading down this road now. Twenty-one trophies is a lot, isn’t it? This is a very, very longwinded way to poke fun at Chelsea (and, let’s be honest, Poch) when we could have just sent a snarky tweet instead. We only did this because it was going to be funny to give Spurs a Premier League title. Look forward to that in about 3000 words’ time.

Anyway. Another year, another League Cup win for Mourinho and co. So who ends up with everyone’s favourite inexplicably three-handled trophy this time around now it turns out Chelsea don’t count?

The Blues kicked things off in round three with a 2-0 win over Blackburn, who now instead get a walkover to meet Aston Villa. Remarkably, we’re once again left to separate two very evenly-matched sides in this all-Premier League clash. Blackburn finished that season in 10th with 52 points, with Villa one spot and two points behind.

But the head-to-heads give us a clear winner here, Villa doing a league double over their mid-table rivals and thus easing into the quarter-finals of a tournament taking place entirely in our increasingly damaged head.

Here they meet Newcastle and it’s a win apiece from their league games that season. Villa get the victory here, though, thanks to being nine points better off in the league. It’s as fair as we can make it.

So Villa now find themselves in the semi-final against plucky League Two giantkillers Wycombe, and we have to imagine it’s the Villans who win this day.

Arsenal against Villa in the final, then. The Gunners were demonstrably the better side and although their league matches were tight, it was Arsenal who took four points from their encounters thanks to a 1-1 draw at Highbury and a 1-0 win at Villa Park. Another pot finds itself heading Wenger’s way.

New winners: Arsenal

Another cup. Great. Come on, let’s rattle through the formalities before inevitably ending up with more silverware for Arsenal or United.

Macclesfield are our first big winners, not only by reaching round four but also having a 6-1 drubbing officially* struck from the record books. Sadly, that’s as good as it gets for Macc, who bow out to Nottingham Forest.

League One Forest are promptly dispatched in the last 16 by Championship Norwich, who lose out to Tottenham in the quarter-finals.

That leaves Spurs taking on Blackburn in the last four. Both their league encounters ended in draws, so that doesn’t help. In theory, we should now side with Spurs because they were fifth and Blackburn 10th.

However, we’re only trying to remove Chelsea from football history here, not pretend football history itself doesn’t exist entirely. And the simple fact is this: Tottenham do not win FA Cup semi-finals. Not since 1991 have they done so. They have lost eight in the intervening 35 years. Some of those defeats have been against decent Arsenal, Manchester United and, yes, Chelsea sides. But some were against Portsmouth and Everton and Newcastle. They can’t reasonably be handed an FA Cup semi-final win against anyone. Thus it is Blackburn who progress and get spanked by , sigh, Manchester United in the first FA Cup final at the new Wembley.

New winners: Manchester United

*Not actually official

Chelsea needed a replay – eh, here, who remembers replays?! Eh? Hey? Anyone? You sir, you look like a man who remembers replays – to get past Southend in round three. The Shrimpers don’t need a replay to skip past the no-longer-there Chelsea, but they come undone against Ipswich in the last 32.

Ipswich then head to Watford for an all-Championship clash so once again to the league results we go for an unimpeachably accurate and reliable guide to what would definitely happen in this fictitious encounter, because if there’s one thing that keeps us coming back to football time and again it’s the sure and certain knowledge that exactly what you expect to happen based on factors is always what will happen. This is also why all bookmakers are poor.

Anyway, four points for Watford in their league games against Ipswich so on they go to the quarter-finals and wouldn’t you know it – another clash with Championship opposition. (As an aside, this whole nonsense isn’t doing much to quieten the conspiracy theory that Chelsea always get easy cup draws.)

Coventry this time; Watford beat them home and away in the league so we have to go with the Hornets again in this one. Sadly that’s where the fun must end for our brave Championship heroes as they come unstuck against Arsenal, who you have to believe then beat Everton in the final much as Chelsea did (2-1, from behind) in the darkest timeline that we are at last putting right. Everton finished fifth to Arsenal’s fourth so they can be reasonably expected to have put up a fight but ultimately Arsenal sometimes win trophies and Everton in the 21st century do not. Unsurprisingly, it’s another pot for one of the Big Two whose fun in our dimension had been so rudely intruded upon by those ghastly nouveau riche rotters from the Bridge.

New winners: Arsenal

That sets up yet another Manchester United v Arsenal Community Shield and we’ve already established what happens in those. More quasi-glory for the Gunners here to begin their season.

New winners: Arsenal

Under the watchful gaze of Carlo Ancelotti’s eyebrow, Chelsea pipped Manchester United to the title by a single point with Arsenal a further 10 adrift. Straightforward here, then. It’s another Premier League medal for Fergie to chuck on his massive, massive Scrooge McDuck-style pile of Premier League medals. We’re rattling through these now. Good stuff, and in no way do we feel we’ve wasted our ever-dwindling time on this planet by spending 2,000 words awarding pretty much all Chelsea’s trophies to either Arsenal or Manchester United. No siree. In other news: Manchester City qualify for the Champions League for the first time despite a 1-0 home defeat to fellow qualifiers Spurs, who are by this point old hands in the Big Cup now, of course, and set for their third appearance having also qualified in 2006 and 2008.

New winners: Manchester United

Now I know we’ve gone through other cup competitions (reasonably) methodically (shut up, we have) to come up with whole new routes to the finals and such, but we’re not f***ing about here. The real-life beaten finalists Portsmouth get this one and that’s all there is to it. Wigan have subsequently shown that the Relegation-FA Cup Double is perfectly doable. Portsmouth now just happen to get there a few years earlier. Mainly, though, we just want to take a trophy off Chelsea and hand it to a side managed by Avram Grant.

New winners: Portsmouth

Portsmouth profit once again from Chelsea’s demise, this time thanks to a third-round bye and no 4-0 twatting at Stamford Bridge. They go no further this time, though, as a return to our hard-and-fast ‘no shocks’ rule that we just flew into the sun means the Championship side lose out to a just-about Premier League QPR in the next round, as do Birmingham in round five.

Into the quarter-finals where we find ourselves typing the sentence about (fictitious, admittedly) events of almost exactly one decade ago that QPR would obviously beat Leicester because there are no upsets here. That throws up a semi-final against Tottenham and another problem. On the one hand, there’s our ‘no upsets’ rule. On the other, there’s life’s ‘Spurs don’t win FA Cup semi-finals’ rule. Given Spurs lost to a Portsmouth side that actually did get relegated two seasons earlier, we’re comfortable enough with the fact a QPR side that just about stayed up would also have done them over after extra-time. And then got royally spangled by Liverpool in the final.

New winners: Liverpool

Obviously they don’t even get to be in it, their second-place Premier League finish in 2010/11 no longer being a thing. In a nice twist, our fantasy world propels fifth-placed Spurs into the Champions League. They take Arsenal’s spot in the play-off round to very probably bollocks things up against Udinese. Tough draw, that. Arsenal move up to take City’s spot, and City take Chelsea’s. Obviously none of this really translates perfectly because of seedings and coefficients and whatnot but this long ago stopped being a thing that made any kind of sense and became a lengthy cry for help. So City go into a group with Bayer Leverkusen, Valencia and Genk. Given they failed to get out of a group containing Bayern and Napoli we’re not quite sure whether they negotiate Chelsea’s but we reckon they probably pip Valencia to second because why not.

Bayer Leverkusen are our group winners, then, and into Chelsea’s knockout path they go. Napoli beat Chelsea 3-1 in the first leg of their last-16 clash and we’re damn sure they’re not making such a mess of that in a return leg against a Leverkusen side who in real life lost 10-2 on aggregate to Barcelona.

So Napoli against Benfica in the last eight. Who wins that one? Don’t know, don’t care, because either way they lose to Barcelona in the last four as the Gary Neville goalgasm disappears into the ether. Given the way Bayern Munich shat it with home advantage against Chelsea in real life, there’s no way they get the better of a peak Barcelona.

New winners: Barcelona

Fiddly as f*** this, if we’re going to do it remotely properly, given Chelsea dropped in from the Champions League. Even in the real world, this is a tournament Chelsea weren’t in at the start of the season so what are we supposed to do in our counterfactual one? A load of research and number-crunching and a whole new group stage and knockout bracket? Or just hand it to Sevilla on the basis that it’s a Europa League and that’s who mainly won Europa Leagues at that time? Yeah, you know it’s the second one.

Naysayers may point out that Sevilla weren’t even in the 2012/13 Europa League having finished a lowly ninth in the 2011/12 La Liga table, but to those people I say ‘Ah! But the butterfly effect, ah!’. Yeah, we’re now so deep into this that we can completely have our cake and eat it whenever we choose.

So sweeping are the changes to 21st century football history that we’ve made, and so entwined in the continental game was Abramovich’s club, who knows what effect the non-flapping of Chelsea’s now non-existent wings might have had on the 2011/12 La Liga season? Could it have somehow magicked Sevilla up to sixth? Absolutely yes. Would Sevilla have then gone on to win the following season’s Europa League. Of course they would.

New winners: Sevilla

Back to reality. Well, not reality, but an ever so slightly less unhinged and absurd fantasy world. Bolton get the third-round bye here, and then promptly sort out Shrewsbury next.

That’s the end of the line for the Trotters, though. It’s fellow Championship side Derby next up; they beat Bolton home and away by an aggregate score of 6-1 that season so are clearly going through in this one. But don’t celebrate too much, Derby fans. It’s Liverpool in the semi-finals and over two legs the Premier League class will surely tell.

That gives us Liverpool v Tottenham and with our 2026 hats on it seems straightforward, doesn’t it? But 2015 was a different time. Spurs finished above Liverpool, as they often did until really quite recently. Don’t worry, though, the world doesn’t spin completely off its axes. Liverpool beat Spurs home and away in the league and given that Spurs’ record in League Cup finals is starting to approach that of their FA Cup semi-finals (see above), it is an easy one to give to Liverpool. Even in a fantasy world, you’d have to be a pretty major embarrassing shambles of a big club to lose a cup final to Spurs.

New winners: Liverpool

Another nice easy one to reallocate. Second-placed Manchester City lose their two draws against Chelsea in our universe, but third-placed Arsenal drop four points from the Blues’ disappearance to fall further behind our new champions. That makes it three titles in four years for Manchester City, an astonishing level of dominance that could clearly never occur in a world that still contains Chelsea.

New winners: Manchester City

Here we, here we, here we f***ing go. Tottenham Hotspur are Premier League champions. Never mind your Leicester Cities, here’s a real miracle fairytale as Spurs’ final season at the old White Hart Lane ends with a first league title since 1961 and Mauricio Pochettino in floods of tears hugging all the dignitaries and slightly embarrassed former players wheeled out for the occasion.

They’re handy winners, too, which is why we can’t even find a plausible way to Spursy them out of it. While Chelsea finished seven points clear of Spurs, Pochettino’s men were another eight in front of absolutely everyone else. Even when you remove a 2-0 home win over Chelsea from Tottenham’s record, there is still simply no catching them.

New winners: Tottenham

Norwich get the third-round bye here – and fair enough because the Championship side took Antonio Conte’s defending Premier League champions all the way through a replay and to penalties in the real world version.

That’s the end of that, though, because Premier League Newcastle and the ‘no upsets’ rule await in round four. Newcastle duly dispatch another Championship side, Hull, in round five to set up a quarter-final clash with Leicester.

Not for the first time, our make-believe reality gives us a fascinating, tough-to-call contest. They finished ninth and tenth in the league and each won away from home by a single goal in their league meetings. Leicester finished three points above Newcastle, though, so they narrowly get the vote. But only after extra-time and penalties, quarter-final replays having been scrapped.

Leicester face Southampton in the last four, a side they took four points from in league combat including a 4-1 away win. They face Manchester United in the final and while Leicester have proved themselves well capable of pulling a Manchester club’s pants down, we have to go with the rulebook. Well, we don’t have to, as we’ve established in numerous previous examples of us just doing whatever we wanted. Man United drew at the King Power and beat Leicester 2-0 at Old Trafford, and that’s precisely the sort of superiority that absolutely cannot be upended in a Wembley final. Remember, months before beating City in the Community Shield final Leicester also gave them a 5-2 pasting at the Etihad in that brief, glorious and confusing period in the early stages of last season when all the results went mad for a bit. The rulebook would account for Leicester beating City last campaign; it cannot do so against United in 2018. Much as we’d like it to.

New winners: Manchester United

How do Chelsea only win Europa Leagues when Sevilla aren’t there? Even we have enough dignity and semblance of standards not to give Sevilla a second win in a tournament they weren’t in. And at least this time things are slightly easier because Chelsea were in the tournament from the start rather than dropping in from the big boys’ cup.

Chelsea qualified for the Europa League twice over in real life, having finished fifth and won the FA Cup. We’ve removed them from both those competitions, so that makes a mess. With Champions League qualifiers United now the FA Cup holders, that spot still goes to the side in seventh, which is Everton. Burnley join Arsenal in the group stages and, technically we should now move Arsenal into Chelsea’s pathway. But as they ended up meeting in the final anyway that all seems like a huge effort for no real benefit. Leave them be, and plonk Burnley into Chelsea’s place and Everton into Burnley’s. Far easier, but you can see why we just wanted to be able to give it to Sevilla. Everton we can at least get rid of pretty easily. They, like Burnley in the real world, would definitely have gone out to Olympiacos in the play-off round because that’s just a very Everton thing to do.

Burnley now inherit an almost sarcastically Europa group that was once Chelsea’s: BATE Borisov, Vidi and PAOK. We reckon Burnley could definitely have come second behind real-world runners-up BATE here. But that sends BATE into the Chelsea path, so that is who interests us now.

They are immediately sorted out by Malmo in the last 32, who in turn lose to Dynamo Kyiv in the last 16. They then come unstuck against Slavia Prague and it’s Eintracht Frankfurt who prevail against them in a tense and nervy two-legged semi-final.

While England no longer boasts all four European finalists they still have both winners as Arsenal win just the third continental pot in their history.

New winners: Arsenal

Leicester qualify in Chelsea’s place and we can’t be bothered to put them anywhere else in the draw but Chelsea’s spot. Coefficients be damned. Oh and look who we’ve got in the group stage here. F***ing Sevilla. Where were you when we needed you in the 2018/19 Europa League, eh? Still, never mind. Their European savvy is too much for Leicester, who finish second. Chelsea’s path becomes Sevilla’s, though, and we can tell you right now before we go any further that if this ends up with Sevilla winning the thing we’re going to get cross.

Oh wait, it’s worse. Chelsea played Atletico Madrid in the last 16 and Sevilla can’t play Atleti in the last 16. Cock it, let’s say Leicester win the group after all. Sevilla’s natural home is the Europa. They could easily have made a mess of this. Well done Leicester, you win the group. Bad luck, Leicester, you now lose to Atleti. So, too, do Porto in the last eight and now we have a blockbuster semi-final between the two Madrid clubs. We could look at that season’s La Liga games between them – Atleti obviously won La Liga as we know – but really there’s no need. We know what happens when the two Madrid teams meet in the Champions League. Real Madrid win in the most knife-twistingly painful manner imaginable. And while Real Madrid might not any longer be quite the side that won this bad boy four years in a row, that record is enough to give them the edge in a nervy, tense final against a Manchester City side that, for all its class, is still looking to break its duck at this most exalted of levels.

New winners: Real Madrid

Why couldn’t the previous 19 have all been as easy as this? Of course Real Madrid beat Villarreal to win this one. What kind of shambles of a side would you have to be not to beat Villarreal with UEFA silverware at stake?

New winners: Real Madrid

Mauricio Pochettino believes Chelsea should be stripped of their 2016/17 Premier League title for breaching financial rules and the gong retrospectively awarded to Tottenham.

Chelsea were fined £10m and £10.75m by the FA and Premier League respectively and handed a suspended two-window transfer ban for multiple violations in the Roman Abramovich era.

The BlueCo owners self-reported the breaches when they took over in the hope of avoiding more serious punishment, including a points deduction, and indeed being stripped of titles.

The Blues were found to have used unlicensed agents and obscure the nature of their transfer business between 2009 and 2022, including the deals to bring Eden Hazard, Willian and other players to the club who were key to their triumph under Antonio Conte in the 2016/17 season.

Pochettino, who later went on to manage Chelsea in the 2023/24 season, led Spurs to second that season – seven points behind the Blues – and believes the authorities failed to hand down an appropriate punishment.

“We should win one Premier League, we should have been awarded it,” Pochettino said. “If that [Chelsea’s rule-break] was true, then we deserve to be champions that year, for sure. They were punished, they admitted it? So that’s it. The title should be for the team that was second.

“We can say that they scored goals, they won games. OK. But it’s completely fair to say that we didn’t compete before the start of the season with the same card. Maybe with the same rules, we could’ve signed some players that would have made the team better or scored more goals.”

READ: Estevao has ‘had enough’ at Chelsea after brutal Alonso, Palmer reactions vs Leeds

‘If you broke the rules then ciao’

It was put to Pochettino that Hazard was particularly pivotal to the 2016/17 title win as he scored 16 goals that season.

“Maybe yes,” Pochettino replied. “I have no doubt and I’m not scared to say the truth. The Chelsea fans will be upset with me. But if we were at Tottenham and broke the rules, I’d admit the same: ‘We don’t deserve the title because we broke the rules.’

“It’s impossible if only some clubs play with offside and another plays with no offside. Or one plays with VAR and another plays with no VAR. For everyone it needs to be the same rules. And then you have the capacity to create the best team.

“I don’t say that Chelsea didn’t play well, that Conte was not great. I don’t say that. I don’t want the message to be twisted. But if you broke the rules then ciao – you need to give it to another team. I don’t know why that didn’t happen. What is being promoted and incentivised is to break the rules. If you don’t punish in the way that you need to punish, I say: ‘Yeah … I lost my job [at Spurs] because we didn’t win a title.’”

Long, long ago, back when the phrase ‘social media’ would have implied your best friend was a radio, there was another term doing the rounds. Its acronym was ABU: Anyone but United.

Everyone knows the story – Alex Ferguson was a bit meh for a few years, pressure was building, Mark Robins scored a goal, a corner was turned, and various iterations of Manchester United won almost everything for the next 20 years.

For fans of other clubs, it was a pain in the arse to watch United win all the time. And then buy all the best players from their rivals. Not that Arsenal or Chelsea were satisfying alternatives, but at least when they did win, it was someone else. Anybody else. ABU.

In many cases, anger or resentment comes from longing, and fans of every team in England secretly wished to be at the level of United. Although they never admitted it. “It must be boring to win all the time cos their fans have nothing to look forward to.” Yup, that reasoning definitely made us feel better.

As a fan of Tottenham in the 1990s and 2000s, the idea of being on Manchester United’s level was a pipedream. And even though the clubs were getting closer on the pitch in the 2010s, there was still a large gulf between the two. However, it’s only taken until the mid-2020s to say that finally, Manchester United and Tottenham Hotspur are on the same plane.

Now, they’re clearly both equally sh*t teams, but there’s another factor at play. This summer, Spurs signed two of United’s three midfield targets while City took the other. Tottenham don’t ever sign players United want. And certainly shouldn’t do so a month after avoiding relegation while United qualified for the Champions League.

Arguing about which club is bigger or better is nothing more than a willy-waving exercise, but one thing that is always true is that the best players end up at the best teams. Real, Barca, Bayern, PSG, Man City and Liverpool appear to be the six who can attract the very best players right now in 2026.

Manchester United were part of that top echelon of teams once. Now they can’t outbid Spurs or convince players like Sandro Tonali or Mateus Fernandes that their futures lie at Old Trafford. If this were a decade ago, Spurs would have taken a punt on Andrey Santos, and Fernandes would have gone to United.

This levelling-out has been in the works for two seasons, back when Manchester United and Tottenham fought it out with West Ham over 15th, 16th and 17th. They then took part in a Europa League final featuring a winning goal so ugly only a blind mother could love it. That goal was the perfect representation of both teams right then. And more so now.

Since the David Moyes experiment ended, and he wrongly took all the blame, the feeling was that United were always one good managerial appointment and a couple of players away from being back on their perch. But it’s been 12 years and they aren’t. And they’ve fallen further from it. Aside from owning a creaking stadium and being led by a manager above his station, United can’t compete for players anymore, either.

Look at that team they put out against Everton at the weekend. Lammens, the entire back four, one of the middle two, Rashford; switch the kits with seven equivalent Everton players and the game probably still ends 2-2. Look at the United bench: Dorgu, Zirkzee, Mount, Darlow, Mazraoui. Woof.

Would it surprise anyone if, in three year’s time, those five bench names were respectively plying their trade at Fulham, Manchester United, Sky Sports, Chelsea, Colorado Rapids?

Yeah, Bruno is fantastic. Cunha, Mbeumo and Mainoo are good. And apparently, JJ Gabriel is gonna be brilliant some day. Is that really it, though?

The majority of people under 25 won’t remember United being one of the best teams in England. In the same way, fans in the 2000s didn’t remember Everton as a big team. The fear of playing Manchester United at home is completely gone, as is the trepidation of travelling to Old Trafford. And it’s because the players (sans Bruno) scare no one.

Last season was farcical for a few teams and United finished third by virtue of not being moronic and playing at least eight fewer games than every EFL team. That won’t happen again. “But United are in the Champions League this season!” “So? Spurs finished fourth in that very league nine months ago.”

When Team A wants to sign a player and Tottenham blows them out of the water with a bid, Team A is probably lower on the food chain. Obviously, that’s a stretch, but it is quite interesting that people talk of Spurs having had a disastrous first three weeks of the season when, at the same time, the actual Manchester United manager is saying his team has had a solid start and they will be ‘fine’.

But for that scenario to arise, Tottenham would have to score a league goal for the first time since May. And unfortunately, Joao Palhinha is in Portugal.

United and Spurs are members of the Big Six, but that’s just money talking because neither would be included on a list of the best six teams in England. It’s an embryonic table in September, sure, but they aren’t even in the top 10 right now.

For so many years, the hope was that Tottenham would one day be on par with Manchester United. And now they are.

But times have changed, and there are four superior members of the Big Six that Spurs would have been better trying to emulate. Out of the five options available, they’ve drawn level with United. Anyone but United.

All that money spent and Tottenham are still to score a Premier League goal this season. At least they’re off the mark in terms of points after following up defeats against Brentford and Newcastle with a 0-0 draw at Nottingham Forest.

While Tottenham languish in the bottom three, Everton are eighth. After starting out with a win over Crystal Palace, they’ve followed it by netting last-gasp equalisers to draw with Bournemouth (1-1) and Manchester United (2-2).

Despite the fury among the fan base for their lack of transfer activity, the Toffees head into matchday four as one of the eight top-flight teams yet to suffer defeat this season.

Tottenham v Everton kick-off time

Tottenham v Everton kicks off at 5.30pm BST on Saturday, September 12 at the Tottenham Hotspur Stadium.

Tottenham v Everton how to watch

The game will be shown live in the UK via Sky Sports Main Event and Sky Sports Premier League, with coverage starting from 5pm.

BBC Radio 5 Live will provide full match commentary.

Tottenham team news

Goals are a huge problem for Spurs boss Roberto De Zerbi so it hardly helps that some of his most creative players are sidelined.

Dejan Kulusevski, Xavi Simons and Wilson Odobert are long-term absentees and hopes of a return for James Maddison have been scuppered by a shoulder injury.

Mykhaylo Mudryk made his return after over 600 days in the stalemate at Nottingham Forest but is now set to be out for over a month again after picking up an ankle injury.

In more positive news, Mohammed Kudus could soon be back in the starting line-up after making substitute appearances in their last two Premier League games.

Everton team news

After his stunning last-gasp equaliser against Manchester United, Ainsley Maitland-Niles will be pushing for a start on Saturday.

That may come his way regardless of staking his claims with that worldie as midfielder James Garner is a doubt after coming off against United.

In another change to Moyes’ starting XI, Jack Grealish could step in for Brennan Johnson out wide.

Elsewhere, Christian Norgaard won’t be fit again until October.

Tottenham v Everton odds

Winless Spurs are 21/20 to get their first three points of the campaign.

Everton are 5/2 to secure victory while The Draw is 13/5.

Despite their slow start, Tottenham are 4/7 to finish in the Top 10 while Everton are 5/4 to end the season in the top half of the table.

Tottenham v Everton prediction

Tottenham have to get off the mark soon and history suggests Everton are ideal opponents.

Spurs have won their last five home games against the Toffees and, looking further back, they’ve suffered defeat in just one of the last 17 when Everton have visited.

Everton’s resilience has been impressive so far and David Moyes will be delighted to have seen those late equalisers.

But with Spurs firing blanks and Everton having limited attacking options, this could be short of goals so go Under 2.5 at 10/11.

Both sides are also in the bottom four of the Premier League’s Fair Play table so referee Darren England could be a busy man.

There were five yellow cards in this same fixture last season (three for Spurs and two for Everton) so back a repeat.

That can be done by going Over 4.5 cards at 6/4.

Paul Scholes believes that Mateus Fernandes will fail at Tottenham Hotspur after rejecting the chance to join Manchester United and play under manager Michael Carrick.

Man Utd wanted to sign Fernandes from West Ham United in the summer transfer window.

The Portugal international midfielder was available on the market after getting relegated from the Premier League with West Ham.

Fernandes had also gone down to the Championship with Southampton the season before.

Despite Man Utd’s pursuit of the 22-year-old, he ended up at Tottenham.

The north London club paid West Ham £85m to secure the services of the youngster.

READ: Paul Scholes says £40m Tottenham star ‘makes the team play good football’ as best summer signing named

Fernandes subsequently revealed why he has chosen Tottenham over Man Utd.

The midfielder told The Athletic: “The desire of playing for a big club, winning games, to fight for the Premier League, for the title.

“The way he [De Zerbi] spoke with me and my family was very important for me.

“He was calling me every day, so I’m very happy to work with him, and hopefully we can do great things.

“It was more about (forming a) connection, because my dad and my mum don’t speak English very well.

“It was more about feelings.

“He said he would take care of me, that he would be my second dad in England.

“I’m very happy to work with him.”

Man Utd legend Scholes has now given his take on Fernandes and has said that the youngster will flop at Tottenham.

Mateus Fernandes will fail at Tottenham

Scholes said on The Good, The Bad and The Football when asked whether Fernandes to Tottenham will be a hit or miss: “I think I am going to say miss with this one.

“Do you know what?

“I have not seen an awful lot of him, so I am guessing a little bit.

“I don’t think, as I have not seen his name in the first few weeks of the season, and I think he did get actually relegated the last two years.

“I am not saying that’s his fault, but he was part of Southampton.

“Yeah, I think he was part of Southampton and West Ham.

“So, twice in two years he has been relegated.

“I am going to say miss on that one.”

Scholes’ former Man Utd teammate Nicky Butt said: “I think he’s a fantastic player.

“I think he’s very talented.

“At West Ham, when I watched the game live, I thought, ‘Wow, this boy is a real top, top player’.

“I think the club that he’s in at the minute is just not a club that I would want to go in and play for at the minute.

“So, I would say miss.”

Which new players have made the biggest impact in the Premier League this season and what would it look like if we put them all in one team?

To construct our XI, we’ve used average ratings from WhoScored and fit them into a formation to include the best players possible.

That means a 3-4-2-1 formation for now but we’ll be keeping this fluid as the season progresses…

GK: Konstantinos Tzolakis (Hull City) – 7.57

Hull City have made a far better start to the season than any of us imagined. There were some shouts that they could rival Derby’s record for the lowest number of points in a Premier League season; in reality, they’re more than halfway to making a mockery of those predictions after just three games.

The fact they seem to have unearthed a goalkeeper they can depend upon has certainly helped. A £20m signing from Olympiacos, Tzolakis has kept clean sheets in each of his first three Premier League games – and two of those were against sides in the Champions League this season.

CB: Maxence Lacroix (Chelsea) – 7.06

After years of focusing too heavily on youth, Chelsea wised up to their need for more experience this summer, taking it to unexpected extremes with the signings of Jordan Henderson and Danny Welbeck but finding a sensible middle ground with Lacroix.

The 26-year-old has become an instant starter at Chelsea and even marked his debut with an assist against Fulham.

CB: Tarik Muharemovic (Leeds United) – 7.38

Leeds spent big on Muharemovic this summer and the imposing left-footed centre-back has been ever-present for them so far.

He made the third-most clearances in Serie A last season with Sassuolo and has continued doing what he does best in the Premier League, also currently ranking third for clearances this season.

CB: Nobel Mendy (Hull City) – 7.43

Another Hull representative and the second left-footer in our back three, Mendy became the Tigers’ record signing when he joined from Rayo Vallecano.

He was brought in for his defensive ability, but enjoyed a dream debut at the other end by scoring against Manchester United.

RB: Anan Khalaili (Crystal Palace) – 7.33

Crystal Palace’s new wing-back leads the early running for most tackles in the Premier League this season with 17 so far – at least five more than anyone else.

He has relatively big boots to fill after Daniel Munoz’s exit and has only been on the winning side once so far, but has made an encouraging start.

CM: Elliot Anderson (Manchester City) – 7.25

You’d hope so for all that money.

In fairness, Anderson isn’t doing a bad job of silencing those of us who predicted he’d be a massive flop. And there were lots of us.

He ranks highly for passes, touches and interceptions this season after starting all three of Manchester City’s Premier League games so far.

He now faces that age-old challenge of having to add goals and assists to his game to truly win over the naysayers. Work in progress.

CM: Mamadou Sangare (Brentford) – 7.15

We’re not sure Sangare passes off as a shrewd signing given he cost more than anyone Brentford have ever bought before, but boy, he looks a find.

The £39m-or-so man (reports vary on the actual size of the fee) has started all three of Brentford’s games so far, taking just 12 minutes to make an assist on his debut against Spurs.

He’s also one of the top interceptors in the Premier League this season.

LB: Andy Robertson (Tottenham Hotspur) – 6.54

Bit of a curveball here and the lowest-rated player fitting into our XI. Nobody was exactly screaming about Robertson as a signing of the season contender when Tottenham picked him up on a free transfer after his Liverpool exit.

But it was a sensible enough move to add some experience into a squad bereft of genuine leaders.

Spurs are struggling again so far this season, with Robertson starting their first two games and coming on in their third.

AM: Morgan Rogers (Chelsea) – 7.58

You’d hope so for all that money.

Currently the highest-rated new signing of them all, Rogers has been involved in a goal in each of his three Premier League appearances for Chelsea so far.

Goals against Fulham and Arsenal have bookended his assist against Brighton. A bright start, then, for the most expensive English player in football history. Yes it still sounds weird.

AM: Christos Tzolis (Arsenal) – 7.00

In a summer of extortionate spending, the parameters for a bargain became blurry. But a £34m investment in Tzolis looks to be paying off already for Arsenal.

After his impactful debut in the Community Shield, it took until his third Premier League appearance for his next goal contribution, an assist against Chelsea.

Arsenal sold Gabriel Martinelli for a lot more money than they paid for Tzolis, but they may have made an upgrade.

CF: Gonzalo Garcia (Fulham) – 6.97

Big striker moves were few and far between in the Premier League this summer, unlike last year with your Alexander Isaks, your Benjamin Seskos, your Viktor Gyokereseseses.

Garcia following Alvaro Arbeloa to a dysfunctional Fulham from Real Madrid would have been small noise last summer, but was a fairly big deal in the year it actually happened.

Garcia headed in his first Fulham goal on his Premier League debut against Chelsea, but it is his goal only so far.

Paul Scholes has raved about Tottenham Hotspur attacking midfielder James Maddison, while Nicky Butt has named Sandro Tonali as the best signing that Roberto De Zerbi’s side made in the summer transfer window.

Maddison has been on the books of Tottenham since the summer of 2023 when he joined from Leicester City for £40million.

The England international is one of the best attacking midfielders in the Premier League and has done well for Tottenham when he has played for them.

Maddison has scored 16 goals and given 21 assists in 79 matches in all competitions for Spurs so far in his career.

The 29-year-old missed most of last season due to a ruptured anterior cruciate ligament (ACL).

Maddison suffered a shoulder injury against Brentford and could return to action for Tottenham against Everton this weekend.

READ: Tottenham’s Prem ‘rejects’ ‘haven’t got the quality’ as pundit claims struggling striker must play

Former Manchester United midfielder Paul Scholes believes that when Maddison is fully fit and available, Tottenham manager Roberto De Zerbi will have to include him in his starting line-up.

The pundit made the comments while analysing Tottenham with his former Man Utd teammate Nicky Butt on The Good, The Bad and The Football podcast.

Paul Scholes and Nicky Butt on Tottenham

Scholes noted: “They were lucky to get a point on Saturday, by the way. Did you see the goal?”

Butt responded: “It is crazy when you think of the signings they have made, but they will be, they will be in top six, no problem, end of the season.”

Scholes then stated: “We said at the start, didn’t we?

“They are in a terrible habit of losing games from last season.

“They can’t get out of that at the minute.

“Look, it’s been two years. They finished 16th, 17th.

“It’s going to take a bit of time 10 players – there are some good players in amongst that, and I think the manager is good as well.

“I think eventually that might take six, seven, eight games.”

When asked about Tottenham’s best signing in the summer transfer window, Butt said: “Tonali.”

Scholes noted: “Well, there are a few good players. Marmoush, Savio.”

Butt continued: “And also, you remember, Maddison has come back from injury.

“He is a signing basically, it’s like a new signing.

“He will come back.

“They have got some top, top players, they really have.”

Scholes observed about Maddison: “I like him.

“He is a good footballer.

“He makes the team play good football, you know what I mean.

“They need to get him involved somehow.

“Tottenham is a very negative place at the minute, and it has been for two or three years.

“They have got to try, as Nicky said, if you get two or three wins put together, then all of a sudden you are off and running.

“I think they will be fine.”

Tottenham Hotspur look set for a major boost to their attacking ranks this weekend against Everton, with James Maddison reportedly ready to make a return to action.

The north London outfit have picked up just one point from their first three Premier League games of the campaign and are also yet to score, as they currently sit in the relegation places after back-to-back 17th-placed finishes.

While Roberto De Zerbi’s side looked far more solid defensively against Nottingham Forest on Saturday than they had in their opening two losses against Brentford and Newcastle, there was still a major lack of cutting edge in attack.

The Italian has not been helped by Maddison suffering a slight shoulder fracture as a substitute at Brentford on the opening weekend of the season, while two more N.10s, Xavi Simons and Dejan Kulusevski also remain out.

READ: Tottenham’s Prem ‘rejects’ ‘haven’t got the quality’ as pundit claims struggling striker must play

Both Conor Gallagher and Mateus Fernandes have been utilised further forward in more creative roles but failed to deliver, but that could change on Saturday when David Moyes’ men arrive in north London, with the Evening Standard reporting that the hugely influential Maddison should return to take on the Toffees.

The 29-year-old missed almost the entirety of last season due to an ACL injury and there were fears his shoulder issue could keep him out for an extended spell too. However, The Standard states the England playmaker, who has 16 goals and 21 assists in 79 games for Tottenham, should be available for selection again this weekend.

The former Leicester City star has been training since the end of last week and is expected to be in the matchday squad to take on Everton, although it’s unclear at this stage whether he will be considered fit enough to actually start a game that already feels like a must-win for De Zerbi.

Tottenham trio remain on the sidelines

Meanwhile, three more Tottenham attacking stars will remain on the sidelines ahead of the Toffees clash, although it at least appears that Kulusevski is closing in on a comeback.

The Swede has spent almost 18 months on the sidelines with a serious patella injury, although he is now back in first-team training at Hotspur Way.

Speaking about Kulusevski prior to the Forest clash, De Zerbi told reporters: “Kulusevski started [training] with us at the beginning of the week, and then the last two days, a small, small problem, stopped [him from training].

“But I think he’s in a good way. It’s going very well. I already said the medical staff is very high level.

“We can be positive with him. I’m looking forward to having Deki in the squad.”

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As for Simons and winger Wilson Odobert, the pair are continuing to rehab their respective ACL issues.

Netherlands international Simons is on course for a return early in the new year, while Odobert could be back before the end of 2026, if all goes well.

Tottenham have been told by former Premier League striker Gabby Agbonlahor that they have an attack of “rejects” who “haven’t got the quality” as he urged Roberto De Zerbi to start a struggling striker.

Spurs spent over £300million in the summer transfer window, and that’s before Omar Marmoush’s loan becomes permanent. To show for their spend, they have a single point in three Premier League games.

During those, Tottenham are yet to score, and in their 0-0 draw against Nottingham Forest, they failed to have a shot on target.

More quality is to be expected from an attack featuring £85million Savio and £50million Marmoush.

Agbonlahor has labelled the City men “rejects” and feels Dominic Solanke has to start.

He told talkSPORT: “Savio, 31 appearances in the Premier League and Champions League last season, one goal and two assists.

“Marmoush, three goals in 29 appearances in the Premier League and Champions League last season.

“Don’t get me started on [Mathys] Tel after that free-kick. They haven’t got the quality.

“It’s alright spending this big money on Manchester City rejects who aren’t goalscorers, what do you expect? Solanke has to start the next game.”

Dominic Solanke has had problems of his own

Solanke, though, has struggled with injuries during his time at Tottenham and in 15 Premier League appearances last season was only able to score three goals.

He opened his account for the season in the League Cup victory over Charlton, and will hope that was a sign of things to come.

Tottenham boss Roberto De Zerbi evidently knows he has some issues in attack at the moment, after comments on Mykhailo Mudryk and Tel.

He said: “He’s [Mudryk] not ready yet. He’s working to reach the best physical condition.

“He needs time, he needs work. In that position, we have Mathys Tel, big potential.

“But also Mathys takes too many wrong decisions, and Mudryk.”

He does feel that Marmoush has goals in him, while pundit Danny Murphy feels the striker is trying very hard to get off his duck, having missed a good chance against Forest.

De Zerbi said: “But anyway, if we want to score, I think Marmoush has 15 goals.”

Murphy added: “I don’t think it’s a problem long term, I think Marmoush is quality, but I think he’s so desperate to get on the scoresheet and get going that he ignores [Mohammed] Kudus.

“He sees him, he’ll know [Andy] Robertson on his shoulder, he’s a top player, but his desperation to get his team the winner, it’s the wrong decision at the wrong time. He missed a great chance in the first half as well.”

Paul Merson thinks Tottenham Hotspur supporters should be “worried” about head coach Roberto De Zerbi, who has been compared to Enzo Maresca.

Tottenham rolled out the red carpet for De Zerbi in a desperate attempt to save them from relegation last season, making him one of the highest-earning managers in the Premier League.

With De Zerbi, Spurs just did enough to avoid relegation, and he has been backed more than any other Tottenham manager in this window. They spent well over £300m on signings in an attempt to fix their squad.

Despite this, Tottenham have struggled at the start ot this season, and De Zerbi already seems to be pretty fed up.

De Zerbi has questioned Tottenham’s mentality, and he has also hit out at their forwards and medical team after Saturday’s goalless draw against Nottingham Forest.

Now, Merson thinks the latter two statements are “worrying” for Tottenham, who could face a repeat of Maresca’s exit from Chelsea last season.

“I thought Spurs were fortunate against Nottingham Forest – if Neco Williams is a little bit braver, then Forest win. But it’s a start for them,” Merson told Sky Sports.

READ: What makes a good Premier League season? And will we get that in 26/27?

“Roberto De Zerbi had a go at his forwards after the game. He also had a go at his medical staff for dictating his substitutions. You say that in the dressing room; don’t come out and say it. You need to keep that in-house.

“That would worry me as a Spurs fan. De Zerbi does fall out with people.”

“He left a few weeks later…”

He continued: “I don’t know if he’s covering himself there with those comments about the medical staff, because that could be kept quiet.

“He’s having a go at them – and you saw what happened with Enzo Maresca at Chelsea when he started calling out the medical team for dictating his substitutions. He left a few weeks later.

“At the same time, if he’s being told to take a player off, he’s the manager. He’s in charge. If it’s not up to him how long his players get on the pitch, why shouldn’t he cover himself?

“I don’t understand having a go at the forwards, though. They didn’t have 20 chances. It’s not as if the Nottingham Forest goalkeeper was man of the match. I didn’t see that at all.”

Merson has also argued that a fifth-place finish is the best that the north London side can achieve this season.

“It’s a long way to go for Spurs. But my problem is the mentality. You don’t come 17th two years on the trot and expect to turn it around in a New York minute,” Merson added.

“I think people have got to be patient. Spurs shouldn’t worry about being eight points behind Arsenal – all they’ve got to worry about is who’s fifth, and how many points they’re behind fifth.

“They’re not finishing ahead of Man City, Liverpool, Chelsea and Arsenal.”