Cartilage Free Captain

I don’t do player rating articles after European matches or cup games. Partly that’s because those ratings articles are HARD and they take great deal of time and creative energy to do every week and who’s got the time to do that 2-3 times every week, much less once? But also because Europe in particular gives me an opportunity to focus on some other areas.

Instead I like to do an “X things we learned” piece especially after we play in Europa, as it gives a chance to drill down a bit into tactics, or individual player performances. And sure, I could come up with a few things to focus on in an article, but after watching Tottenham Hotspur slog their way to a come-from-behind draw against Bodø/Glimt in the Champions League last night there’s really only one thing I want to look at and it’s the same thing everyone saw.

The midfield is a PROBLEM and Thomas Frank needs to find a tactical fix.

OK, I’m being a bit hyperbolic here — we didn’t learn this in Norway last evening, or at least what we saw didn’t teach us something especially new, but if nothing else Spurs’ performance against Bodø/Glimt put a pretty damn fine point on it. This Tottenham team, as currently constructed, either doesn’t know how to formulate an offensive plan that involves passing through the middle of the pitch, or is currently being instructed not to. Take a look at these statistics from the excellent MarkStats:

Actually, I want to call your attention to one graphic in particular, here (with recognition that the stats reflect only up to minute 61):

Yowwwwwwwwwwza. Protip for those of you who aren’t familiar with how to interpret a pass map: the lines show passing connections between various players on the pitch over the course of the match, Tottenham are on the right, and you do NOT want your pass map to look like that. Two things stick out immediately — there is a distinct lack of connection between the midfielders and… well, anywhere, but especially to the wings. Secondly — poor Richarlison is just stuck up there on an island. He doesn’t even have a line!

That suggests, and we all saw this, that there was no midfield ball progression whatsoever. Tottenham’s offense came from the keeper or the central defenders getting the ball wide to a fullback who then passed to a winger, who then invariably lost the ball. That didn’t change much when Spurs starting bringing in players off the bench — Spurs might have played with a bit more intensity, but the overall tactical plan didn’t change, and it’s reflected in Spurs’ goals being scored from a set piece and a lucky deflected own goal.

Now you might expect me to yell at a certain suspect currently on loan from Germany, and I’m not going to — the issue was deeper. Spurs started a midfield three of Rodrigo Bentancur, Pape Sarr, and Lucas Bergvall. Of those three, only Bergvall showed anything close to dynamism with the ball at his feet or a willingness to pass, and only in the first 15 minutes or so — had Richarlison not tripped over his shoelaces in the third minute, he’d have had a goal, Lucas would have had an assist, and Spurs might have had a win. Bentancur and Sarr, however, were awful — black holes of possession with no clear vision of if and when to press or what to do in the rare times they got the ball back in midfield. I lost count of how many times the midfield coughed up the ball, made an errant pass, or just looked as if they had no idea what they were supposed to do with it. And as much as I’ve yelled at and about Joao Palhinha so far this season, I’ve never once said he’s a bad player, simply a limited one who does not fit or mitigate the things this Tottenham midfield already does poorly.

Now to be fair there’s plenty of blame to go around. We could also talk about Wilson Odobert and Brennan Johnson basically serving as passengers, how Richarlison didn’t cover himself in glory despite getting no service, and how even Mohammed Kudus and Xavi Simons looked as though they were trying for individual glory rather than setting up their teammates. But the real crux of the issue was that midfield, and how it is either being set up to fail, or is simply not constructed to do what Thomas Frank wants.

Were Spurs supposed to be absorbing pressure and countering at pace? Was the midfield supposed to be funneling balls out to the wingers and overlapping fullbacks to find spaces in wide areas? Were Spurs supposed to be pressing… at all? None of that happened.

This wasn’t just a bad game. This goes to something deeper — it felt systemic. Take a look at that pass map again. You’re not going to win many football matches playing like that, especially not against what is honestly a decent small European team that is clearly well-drilled and organized, playing at home.

I wasn’t the only ones who noticed, obviously. Frank was asked about the tactical setup in the post-match interview, and while I always appreciate his, well, frankness when he speaks, it wasn’t the most reassuring answer.

Was it the plan in the first half to sit back and try to get them on the counter or was that kind of imposed upon you by the way that they played?

“I think that was what we wanted. Hopefully also you saw that we went high pressure sometimes. It was not that we never went high pressure.

“So the plan was both to go into the high pressure, which we did on several occasions, and also succeed with those situations, and then there were times when we were a little bit more banked in.

“You know, exactly that we were four months ago, because they’re very, very good at what they’re doing. And then I think the counters should have been a little bit better. But I think the main bit was that when we were on the ball, we threw the ball away too quick.

“… I think [Bodø/Glimt] did exactly what I expected them to do in terms of how they wanted to play out, what they wanted to do, how they wanted to put our pressure.

I think the only little tweak was they were a little bit more flexible in the midfield rotation and a little bit more with the wingers coming inside. So that was a little bit more flexible compared to, let’s say, last game. So that was a tweak that maybe created a few problems in the first half, I think a little less in the second half.

Even that they scored the goals, there were various reasons. Because actually the way we wanted to press, we just decided not to do at the 1-0 goal, even if it’s a fantastic finish from Høgh.”

I realize that Thomas Frank is new and still figuring out his team, and he gets a fairly long leash from me for that reason. We also should give Bodø/Glimt credit for playing well at home and putting Spurs into that kind of struggleball match. But it’s a bit baffling that a bunch of nerds on the internet are able to suss out pretty easily that Tottenham is going to struggle to generate offense when the midfield can’t pass the ball, and that simple fact seems to be eluding the manager and the recruitment director. This is as much a roster construction issue as it is a tactical one, but the irony is not lost on me that Rodrigo Bentancur put in an all-time stinker of a performance just hours after news dropped that he’s in final talks with Spurs over a contract extension. That decision does not speak particularly well of Johan Lange, whose job it apparently is to put this team together — if the recruitment team looked at the lack of passing in this Spurs midfield and decided the best thing was to bring in a 30-year-old defensive specialist who also doesn’t have a progressive passing record, that speaks to a problem that goes a little deeper, I’m afraid.

So what can Thomas Frank do? I’m not sure, but whatever he’s doing now isn’t cutting it. Over the past few games, Spurs’ offensive plan has been more or less “1. Get the ball to Kudus, 2. [????], 3. PROFIT”, or more simply “get the ball wide and spam crosses.” And if Tottenham aren’t able to find some midfield passing in the couch cushions (or maybe Archie Gray) then that’s I guess as good of a plan as any I can come up with.

That said, the one thing that can be said about Spurs is that their defense is much improved. Rather than include a defensive shield, it might be time to roll the dice and commit to Xavi Simons centrally, or utilize some lesser-used midfielders with passing in their locker like Archie Gray and let the defense do their job. It feels like a stretch, but just maybe Spurs will discover that [takes off nerd glasses] the passy midfielder they prayed for was right in front of them all along.

But probably not. Spurs need help, and January can’t come soon enough. Back in May, in her Tottenham Hotspur rebuild article in The Transfer Flow newsletter, Carty Free founder Kim McCauley identified several possibilities on the continent to look at in order to address their midfield passing issue. One of them was Royal Charleroi midfielder Adem Zorgane, who was sold to current Champions League club Union Saint-Gilloise this summer for €8m and has emerged as one of their best players. I kinda wish we had this guy now.

You may be skeptical that a 25-year-old who’s still at Royal Charleroi is good enough to play for Tottenham Hotspur. I am too. But if I’m working in the recruitment for a team that needs a passing midfielder and I see this, I start grinding some tape and scrutinizing every moment he’s put into some difficulty.

I watched all the highlights I could find this morning and they’re so awesome. But obviously anyone who’s seriously thinking about signing this guy would have to watch ~5 full games against the most difficult opposition he faces, which I have not done, so I can’t tell you if he’s good enough to play for Spurs or not. I sure am interested, though.

— Kim McCauley, The Transfer Flow newsletter

The midfield is not an un-fixable problem, but it IS a problem. The Champions League is a tough league but on paper Bodø/Glimt away was probably the easiest fixture on the calendar, and they just gave a model for how to play against Thomas Frank’s Tottenham Hotspur.

We should probably consider Spurs fortunate that, despite playing some pretty unwatchable football at times already this season, Spurs have only lost once in all competitions and are fourth in the Premier League table. This is where, if Spurs can’t buy their way to midfield respectability, we need to count on Frank to magick up some offense from somewhere else. It seems like that’s what he’s trying to do, but in the meantime the football might not be the kind we especially want to watch.

Following disappointing draws against Wolverhampton Wanders and Bodo/Glimt, I know what we’re all thinking: We want more Tottenham football and we want it now!

Well have no fear, dear hoddlers, for the start of the new month brings all sorts of football in so many competitions. Let’s get straight to it:

There’s no such thing as an easy game in the Premier League, and I think October will definitely be a validation of that recent cliche. Leeds United are coming off a 2-2 draw against Bournemouth (after bossing Wolves away the week before), and then it’s a home game against a struggling Villa before visitng a resurgent Everton.

And then, of course, we’ve got the cup matches. Monaco have only played one game in the league so far, so it’s tough to gauge how tough that’ll be. BUT it should feature a reunion with Eric Dier, and that’ll be quite fun. The last time these two sides played in the group stage was in the 2016-17 season.It did not end well.

Tottenham Hotspur men’s schedule: at Leeds (4 Oct), Aston Villa (19 Oct), at Monaco (Champions League; 22 Oct), at Everton (26 Oct), at Newcastle (EFL Cup, 29 Oct)

Don’t let their 1-5 defeat to Man City fool you, Tottenham Hotspur Women are off to a pretty good start this season. Spurs are 3-0-1 with nine points on the table: That’s two fewer wins than they had in the entirety of the 2024-25 season, and 17 points off as well.

But this month brings a new test: Chelsea away. I did a quick look at their head-to-head, and it doesn’t make for good reading. Nevertheless, there’s a lot to be hopeful about as we enter October.

Fitzie’s track of the day: Bizarre Love Triangle, by New Order

And now for your links:

The Telegraph: “Lacklustre Tottenham leave it late to scrape draw against Bodo/Glimt”

Alasdair Gold: “Thomas Frank admits something about Micky van de Ven and explains Tottenham’s struggles in Bodo”

The Athletic ($$): “Tottenham end relationship with Rothschild & Co as club ‘not for sale’”

The Independent: “West Ham show signs of life for Nuno to nurture in Everton draw”

Returning to a familiar place, a mere five months since the second leg semi-final Europa League contest at Bodo/Glimt, Tottenham Hotspur returned to the Nordic pitch and narrowly escaped embarrassment with a 2-2 draw on Tuesday.

As important changes were made to the side — with Kevin Danso in for Cristian Romero — Wilson Odobert and Brennan Johnson got the nods to be the wingers for the night as Xavi Simons and Mohammed Kudus took to the bench for the first half.

Bodo/Glimt recorded the first major chance of the match four minutes in as Patrick Berg ripped a dipping knuckleball right into the direction of Guglielmo Vicario, which forced the Italian keeper to punch the ball out for a corner. This would be the first of many dangerous chances from the home side as Tottenham had its lone chance in the first half come a mere four minutes later.

Nicking the ball off his man and leading a quick counter-attack, Lucas Bergvall delivered a beautiful low driven cross into the direction of Richarlison at the back post. Trying to time his run for an easy tap-in, the pass took the slightest of touches that ruined the timing for the Brazilian striker to get a sure-fire goal for Spurs.

Holding an 8-4-1 record in their last 13 European matches, Spurs looked bleak throughout the rest of the first half as last-ditch tackles kept the side in the game, even with a rash two-footed sliding challenge from Rodrigo Bentancur that gifted Bodo a penalty opportunity. That penalty, taken from the Europa League’s top goal scorer, Kasper Waarts Høgh, was fired over the bar to keep the game leveled at 0-0.

Surviving every Bodo/Glimt chance in that first half, Spurs continued to let the Norwegian side dictate the attacking threat early in the second half as the home side got the well-deserved lead by way of a Jens Petter Hauge control and cut into the box for a far post shot that beat Vicario.

Down 1-0, Spurs believed they had leveled the game two minutes after going down with Rodrigo Bentancur redirecting Brennan Johnson’s shot on goal. But, VAR took a look at a possible foul in the build-up on the first delivery from Pedro Porro’s set piece, which hit the post. Watching the replay and circling in on a tug of the shirt from Micky Van de Ven, the head official went to the monitor and overturned the goal for the foul on Micky. Irate at the call, Van de Ven lost his cool as his rash challenge towards the right touchline earned him a yellow card.

Forced to make changes in hopes of adding some attack-minded guys — ones who weren’t afraid of wanting the ball - Simons and Kudus came on and instantly made impacts. Simons won a free kick a minute onto the pitch, and Kudus won a corner, but with terrible deliveries from Spurs, Bodo were able to capitalize once more.

Using the high press and winning the ball off a poor clearance from Vicario, and a touch from Djed Spence, Bodo/Glimt found Jens Petter Hauge yet again at the top of the box. Using his left foot this time, the Norwegian recorded the brace and a 2-0 lead with 20 plus minutes to go.

Down 2-0, Spurs were finally able to cut into the lead off a set piece as Van de Ven headed in a beautiful ball from Pedro Porro to give hope for the side to take something from this match.

Subbing on Archie Gray and having fresh legs in the midfield, the Englishman made an instant impact as Spurs broke the high press of Bodo/Glimt and made their way down the pitch. Getting a through ball off the wing and running with it in stride, Gray sent in a low cross for a streaking Richarlison near post. With the keeper coming out and making an attempt to save it, the ball bounced off his leg and right onto the path of Jostein Gundersen for an own goal.

Yet again, VAR had a check on the goal, with the video assistant reviewing whether the ball had not only hit Richarlison’s hand but also whether the Brazilian was onside. Spending more than three minutes going into extra time of the match, VAR ruled the goal onside as Richarlison stayed onside and didn’t touch the ball.

Both sides went for the win in the end as Bodo/Glimt had a chance to win it but fired a curler over the bar, and Wilson Odobert had a running header that hit the post.

Coming away with a 2-2 draw and a point in the second week of the Champions League group stage, Spurs sit fourth in the table. However, today’s performance was a dreadful watch, and the side has several things to clean up if they want not only to survive the group stage of the Champions League but also to be a side that can win games with ease. Not something that is normally said as a Spurs supporter, but today’s game continues to leave some doubts about the direction of the side. Thomas Frank will have to find new ways to get the side up from the opening minute, and that task will be on Saturday when the side travels to Elland Road for a 7:30 est kickoff with Leeds United

Tottenham Hotspur midfielder Rodrigo Bentancur is currently in the last year of his contract, but he might not be for much longer. Writing in Football.London, Spurs beat reporter Alasdair Gold says that the Uruguayan is close to agreeing to a contract extension that will keep him at the club beyond 2026.

Coming into this season, it was generally understood it it was the right time for Spurs to make a decision to stick or twist on one of the club’s two peak-age central midfielders — Bentancur and Yves Bissouma. Both are nearly on the wrong side of 30 (Bentancur is 28, Bissouma 29) and the smart money was to move one or both of them on this past summer and invest in a younger, up and coming central midfielder who could make progressive passes and potentially develop into the next big star.

Instead, Tottenham sold neither Bissouma nor Bentancur (though, it should be said, not for lack of trying with Yves) and signed Joao Palhinha from Bayern Munich on loan, a player in a similarish defensive midfield mold. It’s for this reason that I can’t quite figure out the decision to extend Bentancur’s stay. He’s a fine player, but not without limitations, one of them being, obviously, his age. Details about the contract extension aren’t revealed, but unless it’s a short term, high wages deal then Spurs are committing the club to a player in Bentancur who, frankly, has shown himself to be a good player, but not an especially great one, until his early 30s.

The flip side to this argument is that Spurs might think the idea of replacing Bissouma, Bentancur, and possibly Palhinha (if Spurs decide not to pick up his purchase option) is too much for one window. They may be right about that, which is why it’s baffling they didn’t do more to shift one of Bentancur or Bissouma this past summer. There are significant holes in this Tottenham midfield, ones that extending Bentancur doesn’t really address, and extending him would just kick that particular can down the road. Extending him keeps a popular player and clubhouse leader with a great amount of Premier League experience around, and there is value to that. But I’m not sure the benefits outweigh the costs of playing it safe here.

I don’t really mind Rodrigo Bentancur and on his day he’s capable of putting in a fantastic and game-defining shift. I also get why Thomas Frank likes him. That said, we already know he doesn’t work together with Joao Palinha in Spurs’ midfield, and by extending him we’re getting dangerously close to the “Casemiro danger zone” with an aging and still peak-age player heading towards the twilight years of his career who no longer has much return on his investment. Whether it’s a high wage/short duration extension or a more moderate multi-year contract, it sure feels like Spurs are setting the stage to eventually let Bentancur walk from the club for nothing. That’s happened way too many times in recent years for me to be particularly happy about this, and doesn’t make me feel any better about Tottenham’s squad construction under Johan Lange.

Clearly Thomas Frank’s Tottenham Hotspur is a work in progress, but the fixture list continues on nonetheless. Spurs got the needed three points against Villarreal in the first matchweek of the League Phase and now their Champions League campaign brings them back to a recent battlefield. Fellow Europa League semifinalists Bodo/Glimt made the leap to top competition as well and will not be the only familiar face Spurs see this phase.

Glimt is here after winning the Norwegian Eliteserien last season and taking down Sturm Graz in the Qualifying Playoff. Despite falling behind 2-0 at Slavia Prague (who Tottenham will face in December), Glimt fought back and scored two goals in the final 15 minutes to claim a point from Matchweek 1. The location makes this a trickier fixture, but Spurs know very well that this is a venue that can be conquered.

UCL League Phase MW2

Date: Tuesday, September 30

Time: 3:00 pm ET, 8:00 pm UK

Location: Aspmyra Stadion, Bodo, Norway

TV: Paramount+ (US), TNT Sports 2 (UK)

Table: Glimt (t-15th, 1 pt), Tottenham (t-1st, 3 pts)

The head-to-head portion of this preview is more celebratory than informative. Thinking back to May, though, there was some concern after Ange Postecoglou’s side gave up a late goal in the first leg of last spring’s Europa League semifinals, forcing Tottenham to hang on to a two-goal lead at Aspmyra. The visitors kept it 0-0 until second-half goals by Dominic Solanke and Pedro Porro in a 10-minute span secured Spurs trip to Bilbao.

Three Big Questions

Is Richarlison enough up top? Overall the Spurs attack still feels insufficient, and while much of that has to do with questionable ball progression ability from the rest of the squad, it has to be said that the No. 9 position has not been stellar either. This is not all Richarlison’s fault, but with Solanke and Randal Kolo Muani injured (and Mathys Tel unavailable in Europe), the burden has fallen squarely on the Brazilian.

It has not been a horrible effort so far, with three goals to lead the team including that ridiculous strike against Burnley in the season opener. But overall it feels like Frank needs more from his center forward, both in terms of goal scoring and in the build up. Maybe Richarlison will work his way into this new system, or maybe the alternate options will return soon, but either way, matches like these are where Spurs need a clinical striker, and right now that does not feel realistic.

Will the location make a difference? Dr. Tottenham’s panacea for Wolves aside, the quality gap between these sides is massive. However, road contests in Europe are rarely straightforward, and Glimt’s notorious homefield advantage feels like an obvious hurdle. Despite Spurs’ success last May, the context is much different with the Norwegian side not beginning the match down already needing to make up two goals.

Fortunately, the weather will not be a major factor, similar to the Europa semis (but will be a consider for City in January). Still, an enlivened group of supporters — excited to finally make it through the Champions League qualifying rounds and ready for revenge over Tottenham — will make this the type of atmosphere that could certainly see the visitors struggle. Glimt after have scored eight goals in three fixtures in this competition so far, and while the Spurs defense is a step above, there will still be belief and desire to keep scoring.

Should pragmatism make its encore? The script seemed doomed for Postecoglou the last time Spurs made the journey this far north, but instead the former manager took the appropriate approach and saw out the win. While Frank’s tactics differ significantly, there have been moments of leaky defense, which is not comforting given the new regime’s commitment to cleaning up the biggest gaps first.

Last season, Tottenham was content giving Glimt plenty of possession but still looked dangerous enough with the ball. Given that this can be a difficult road test, some a balance of pragmatism and opportunism seems warranted again. Glimt is a side that can sting, and the comeback against Slavia Prague is a good reminder that protecting a lead will not be easy, but the visitors should still be seeking out all three points.

Would you look at that, there’s another Simpsons movie coming!

The latest Simpsons movie will come out nearly 20 years after the first one. I’m not sure about you all, but I do remember when I saw the first Simpsons film. I love The Simpsons. And I invited a few friends to watch it with me when it came out.

Of course, the big thing back then was “Spider Pig” - but will Spider Pig return this time? It’s too soon to say. We don’t know anything about this latest film. I’m looking forward to its release, though, and to see what hijinks the characters of Springfield get into in the latest series installation.

The more aliens, the better, I say.

Fitzie’s track of the day: Sha Sha Sha, by Fontaines DC

And now for your links:

Alasdair Gold: “Thomas Frank reveals how long he expects Dominic Solanke surgery to keep striker out for”

The Hollywood Reporter: “New ‘Simpsons’ Movie Set for 2027 Release”

“We have one training session. If we have training here and we want to do a little bit of tactical, with all due respect I think it would be a little bit more obvious what we would do. That’s the thing we like to keep for ourselves. Then, yes, you can say if we train here for how long we are allowed, 45 minutes, Is that going to make a difference? I know the surface is different. If you really want to get used to it, I think you need to train here day in, day out as Bodo do. We are ready for that challenge. But for me, mainly, mainly, mainly, it was the tactical reason.”

“Yeah, I’ve looked at that game [in May], of course. But I’ve also looked at a lot of other Bodø games. I think they’re a fantastic team. I think their club is fantastic. I think their story is unique in many ways. I’m pretty sure that the whole of Europe knows about Bodø, because I think it’s a little bit of a fairytale. I like, of course, that Scandinavian link between Denmark and Norway.

“So of course I follow them a little bit, maybe a tiny bit closer, and the background I’m coming from, to see how they have built that club through years of some core group of people, aligning strategy, structure, hard work over years.

“And then just build a smaller club suddenly to be the absolute force in Norway and now competing in the Europe over many seasons. That’s extremely impressive, I think. Kjetil Knutsen and his staff is remarkable, what they have done. Their style of play is quite unique in many ways. Extremely well-coached team. Big praise, I admire them a lot.”

The first proper month of the EFL Championship has come and gone, which means now is a perfect time to check out what’s going on in the second tier of the English footballing pyramid. It’s early days, I know, but there are some storylines worth looking at regardless.

Sheffield United disasterclass

This is a shockingly bad start to the season.

United sit bottom of the table at 1-0-6 and sacked Ruben Selles only to bring back Chris Wilder (now in his third stint at the club). He finally delivered the club their first win of the campaign with a 1-0 victory at Oxford United.

This is a club that finished third last season, by the way, and were a little unlucky to not get promotion to the Premier League. I trust Wilder to ensure they’re nowhere near the relegation zone, but the season already looks lost.

Surprises in the top half

I’m looking at Stoke City, Preston North End, Charlton and QPR here.

I haven’t had the chance to watch any of these teams, unfortunately, so I can’t say why they’re in the top half or - in Stoke City’s case - the top three. But I think it’s fair to say they’re all outperforming expectations so far.

A fast start for Boro

Rob Edwards has got Middlesbrough clicking, and they’re already off to a great start on 17 points (four clear of second place).

They’ve got some impressive wins including over West Brom and Millwall, too.

EFL Championship top six:

Boro (17 Pts, +7 GD)

Coventry (13 Pts, +11 GD)

Stoke (13 Pts, +5 GD)

Bristol City (12 Pts, +6 GD)

Leicester (12 Pts, +3 GD)

Preston (12 Pts, +2 GD)

EFL Championship bottom three:

Oxford United (5 Pts, -2 GD)

Wednesday (5 Pts, -7 GD)

Sheffield United (3 Pts, -11 GD)

Fitzie’s track of the day: Poinciana, by Ahmad Jamal

And now for your links:

BBC: “‘I’m in a stable environment’ - Frank comfortable with Spurs ownership”

Football London: “Why Brennan Johnson screamed at Joao Palhinha and what Thomas Frank shouted at Tottenham players”

Jack P-B ($$): “How Tottenham sacked Daniel Levy – and how they’ve filled the void in the weeks since”

The Guardian: “Welcome to West Ham, Nuno, the crisis club with no vision and no structure”

It was easy to get caught up in the moment near the end of Tottenham Hotspur’s 1-1 home draw against Wolves. After all that was a lovely guided shot by Joao Palhinha to earn a last-gasp point against the team currently winless and at the bottom of the table, and the celebration was so… exuberant. That, plus the obvious BEEFCAKE, meant a lot of last minute celebrations. And celebrations are fun! We should do that more often!

But let’s not pretend like this was a good match of football. It was not. Tottenham were set up poorly, played even worse, and needed a last second goal from the most unlikely of goal-scorers on the team to avoid a hugely humiliating loss. In fact, the draw itself is still pretty embarrassing. You can kinda understand the smattering of boos that rained down from the home crowd at full time.

But on the bright side, a draw is better than a loss, right? And Spurs are still looking like a team that should be in the mix for a 5-7 finish in the Premier League, and that’s before their stars like Dejan Kulusevski and James Maddison come back. So are these the dog days one must endure in order to get to the part where the team figures out Thomas Frank’s tactics, and Frank learns what his best team actually is? Let’s hope so.

Today’s theme is a look-back. I’ve been doing these articles since I took over as blog manager in October, 2014. With a few exceptions (most notably “Ratings to the Theme of Managers to Replace Jose Mourinho” which I did at least twice times mostly as a troll), they’ve been unique. And that’s hard! Sometimes these pieces are fun, sometimes they’re weird, and sometimes they’re controversial. We’re focusing on the latter today — player ratings that sparked so much conversation that they completely eclipsed the actual match we were supposed to be discussing. I couldn’t find the source articles for a couple of them, but the old-heads in the chat will remember, as does the streets.

Here are your Tottenham Hotspur player ratings to the theme of controversial player ratings themes. Time to get meta.

Shout out to the time, more than a decade ago, when I did a player rating article to the theme of Pets, and put cats at 5 stars. The comments are, alas, lost to the mists of time (and Coral) but the number eclipsed 2000, most of them yelling at me for hating dogs. Well guess what: I was right, cats rule. Suck it, haters.

No Tottenham players in this category.

I can’t find the original article, nor can I recall offhand what I put at the top (knowing me probably Kansas City because it is legit the best, fight me) but I distinctly recall having to shut the comments down at one point. I probably should’ve known better. I, a fledgling blog manager newly at the top spot of the masthead, naïvely thought this community at that time could handle some robust discussion. I got the robust discussion part right at least.

No Tottenham players in this category, either.

At the time I wrote this article, rating IPA at 3 stars was super controversial, as this was 2015, the height of the IPA craze when everyone was trying to cram the dankest pine trees into every bottle. Nowadays I feel like these ratings might be closer to modern sensibilities and less controversial, but at the time I got yelled at a LOT for not ranking IPAs higher, or every beer style, actually.

Mohammed Kudus (Community — 3.0): Tried a bunch of stuff. Scored from an offside position and later had a header tipped off the bar and out. But frequently tried one or two too many dribbles when actually passing to a dude would’ve been the better choice. I appreciate his dribbling. I would like him to pick his head up a little more sometimes.

Pineapple on pizza: it’s fine! - the greatest thread in the history of forums, locked by a moderator after 12,239 pages of heated debate

Guglielmo Vicario (Community — 3.0): I don’t think there was a ton he could do to avoid the goal considering his save deflected off of Palhinha and to an open Wolves player point blank. That said, he was shaky playing out of the back again as well.

Djed Spence (Community — 3.0): Not terrible, but I don’t think he’ll be putting anything on social media about his defense after this week. Utterly bizarre that he’s seemingly better not on his natural side.

Cuti Romero (Community — 3.0): He was fine.

Micky van de Ven (Community — 3.5): He was probably a little better than fine, but this was WOLVES, ferchrissake, so he’s was just fine.

Destiny Udogie (Community — 3.0): Took a step backwards from Wednesday against Doncaster, which makes sense since Wolves are better than Doncaster. Wasteful going forward, but decent defensively.

Lucas Bergvall (Community — 3.0): A real uneven performance. Ineffective when playing as an 8, tried a bunch of stuff that sometimes came off and sometimes didn’t as a 10. Showed a nice relationship building with Kudus at times, faded badly in the second half.

Why this theme? It was Monday, I was stuck, and I had two young kids. But seriously, why? Dude, you try writing this theme weekly for over a decade without repeating yourself. Sometimes you end up writing about My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic characters, and at the end of the day you still feel good about yourself.

Rodrigo Bentancur (Community — 2.5): Whoof. Honestly, if we’re going to rate that Spurs midfield, I think the bulk of the criticism should go to Lolo, who looked a mess, doing all of the busywork defensive stuff that Palhinha does and none of the ball progression that Palhinha also doesn’t do, just without the rad goal to go with it.

Xavi Simons (Community — 2.5): He was trying stuff and I appreciate that. Unfortunately, the stuff he was trying just wasn’t very good stuff.

Pedro Porro (Community — 2.5): Glad he got a bit of a rest, but wish he’d have had more of an impact when he came on.

There was one week where, after yet another player ratings thread with 500+ comments arguing about the stupidest shit, I made the comment that ‘Y’all would argue about igneous rocks.“ The week after, I tested that theory. To this community’s credit, you definitely tried.

Richarlison (Community — 2.5): Might have been the worst player out there, though he was in pretty good company, especially in the second half. Almost completely absent, though it should be noted he also wasn’t getting service from the midfield.

Brennan Johnson (Community — 2.0): Did he even touch the ball? He probably did, I just don’t remember it.

Thomas Frank (Community — 2.5): While I realize his hands were somewhat tied due to injury and rotation concerns, playing a Palhinha-Bentancur midfield with Xavi left against Wolves instead of an extra attacker showed the limitations of trying to play for a 1-0 win instead of actually going for it. His subs were questionable, and too late to be impactful. He needs to find some offense somewhere or I’m going to gouge my eyes out watching this team.

Yep, I phoned this one in, and nope, I regret nothing.

No Tottenham players were as bad as phoning in a player ratings theme after a bad loss.

Tom Carroll Memorial Non-Rating

Pape Matar Sarr, Wilson Odobert, Mathys Tel

Nacer Chadli Memorial Thirst Trap Award

Joao Palhinha (Community — 4.0): What the hell do I do with this guy? Definitely part of the problem in midfield today, but more endemic to the midfield problem rather than the catalyst of it since it’s just a bad idea to play him alongside Bentancur. Was he worse than Bentancur? Maybe. Certainly, at times. Was he better? Well, he scored so yes, but BOY was that midfield bad. Does what limited things he does pretty well, has a goal ricochet off his ass to an open Wolves player, then pops up for one of the raddest guided shots you’ll see in injury time. The guy can do THAT, and score awesome overhead kicks, but can’t pass the ball forward five yards. How do I rate that? I have no idea, so I’m punting, because he unquestionably looks HAWT without a shirt on. Is that worth 4 stars? Y’all think so.

Well, there sure are things to TALK ABOUT in this one, isn’t there? I’m quite certain Joao Palhinha will be the subject of much discussion, both for his goal in Tottenham Hotspur’s last-gasp 1-1 draw against Wolves at the Tottenham Hotspur Stadium, and for…. uh, other reasons. Despite the dramatic last minute goal, more than a few boos rained down from the home fans as Spurs played arguably their worst match of the season. But there’s plenty of poor performances to talk about in this one — pick a few of them and head to the comments.

Rate the players from 1⁄2 to 5 stars. If the player doesn’t deserve a rating due to minutes played, DO NOT RANK. I will round the stars up/down to the nearest half-star for the player ratings later this week.

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