Cartilage Free Captain

Tottenham Hotspur Women announced the signing of twenty-four-year-old German striker Shekiera Martinez on a permanent transfer from West Ham. Martinez, along with Tinka Tandberg, will have the tall task of placing Bethany England’s goalscoring and presence up top.

Now look, I’ll have concerns about how we’re going to replace Beth England until about three months into next season. But there’s plenty of reason to be excited about Shekiera Martinez.

”She is a forward with real presence, intelligent movement and a strong instinct in the box,” Martin Ho said, speaking of his new signing. “She can stretch teams, link play and give us a real threat across the front line. Her profile gives us different solutions in the final third, both as a goalscorer and as someone who can help the team connect and create chances.”

Martinez has primarily played at striker for West Ham, but she can also play on the right wing as needed. You might remember her for her bicycle kick against Manchester United last December that subsequently won goal of the month. I am particularly excited about this one because I hate United and I love to see them embarrassed.

If you’re looking at her numbers on FotMob and going “hmmm, I don’t know,” that’s totally fair, and Martinez will have a lot to prove once she arrives at Spurs for sure. But it’s worth underlining just how poor a side West Ham were for most of the year. I personally tend to think of West Ham as a chronically under-funded side with a habit of making smart signings from international leagues that often go on to succeed at bigger clubs. This year, they were worse than usual. By December, they were second bottom in the league with just five points, low enough for West Ham’s board to sack Rehanne Skinner (and if you’ve been here for a while, you know all about a Rehanne Skinner slump). They looked somewhat more competent under Rita Guarino. Martinez grabbed three goals in three games to start off 2026 (including one against us), but she didn’t turn out much during the rest of West Ham’s run in.

Still, her performance in last year’s much more confident West Ham side was encouraging. In Spring of 2025, she scored 10 goals in 12 games. I very much enjoyed this compilation. You’ll notice there’s some variety in here, a few headed goals (which is important for a player who Wikipedia lists as 5’4”), and some lovely, smooth footwork.

“I just like scoring goals,” Martinez said in her welcome interview. This is a hilarious thing for a striker to say, but we’ll take it. Hopefully she and Tinka can get some healthy competition going for that striker spot. At 24 and 21 respectively, they’ll hopefully set us up together for a good few years.

This is a solid first signing. I expect Spurs to bring in more reinforcements in attack given our dearth of wingers. To start, Emma Sanders reported our interest in Aston Villa’s Kirsty Hanson. Let’s see what happens there. Martin Ho has been teasing a busy summer in his last few press conferences, so buckle up – we’ve got a long (and hopefully fun and exciting) way to go!

I don’t think anyone expected there to be any Tottenham Hotspur representation within the England World Cup squad this summer, but — surprise! To the shock of many, Djed Spence, He With the Broken Jaw, has been named to Thomas Tuchel’s final squad, at the expense of Trent Alexander-Arnold, whom most people expected to get a seat on the plane.

OK, so there’s a LOT to unpack from this roster. First of all — congrats to Djed Spence, who at this point in his career has only four England caps but will play in a World Cup and likely will get some good minutes as well. Second — and I admit to not really being a big England Watcher™ — setting aside some weird inclusions over established stars (Ivan Toney! Jarell Quansah! Tino Livramento!) this team looks WILDLY defensive and set up to basically defend and meatwall on corners and set pieces. I’m not sure how good this England team is, but I have a strong suspicion the football they’re going to play is going to be awful to watch.

When Tottenham Hotspur actually fell to 18th place last month, it felt like its destiny might arrive far sooner than we realized: West Ham was in a decent form, while Spurs had taken just one point in eight league contests, opening up a very real possibility of relegation being certain before the season even expired. Then, Tottenham went four straight matches unbeaten, with a chance to wrap up safety a week or two ahead of the finale.

Instead, we actually are here, the final day, with everything to play for. A significant gap in goal difference means Spurs are safe with any point, while only a Tottenham loss-West Ham win combination will cement the nightmare. The odds say that is unlikely, but the sinking feeling in every supporter’s heart speaks to how realistic that actually may be.

To repeat: Tottenham only needs a draw to make this all go away. North London has not been the most profitable locale, but the stadium will be there for its side when it matters most (at least to start…) Everton is winless in six and is playing for nothing but pride. To even be in this situation is still hard to process, but the escape route is sitting there, wide open.

Match Details

Date: Sunday, May 24

Time: 11:00 am ET, 4:00 pm UK

Tottenham vs. Everton

Location: Tottenham Hotspur Stadium, London

TV: NBC (US), Sky Sports Main Event (UK)

West Ham United vs. Leeds United

Location: London Stadium, London

TV: USA Network (US), Sky Sports Football (UK)

The reverse fixture was one of Spurs’ best this season, with the visitors claiming a 3-0 win despite a relatively equal performance per xG. Somehow Micky van de Ven recorded a first-half brace, while Pape Sarr put away the capper late. That match was multiple managers ago, but it should be noted that Tottenham has beaten Everton in four straight home contests.

fin.

I am too emotionally spent to say anything meaningful about this match (and realllllly do not want to be previewing matches in the Championship next season). Everyone in the entire world can see that the Spurs attack is severely limited right now, but Roberto De Zerbi’s side just needs to find a way sneak a couple across the line. Playing for a draw seems unwise here, so there must be some urgency, especially with an anxious crowd.

Mentality is hard to quantify, but oh boy, I do not want to see how things look if Spurs are down with 20 minutes to go. Even a level scoreline would make the second half extremely dicey, as this squad has failed time and time again when the pressure is greatest. Go ahead early, though, and the Toffees may simply lack the motivation to mount any sort of comeback.

Perhaps the same could be said about Leeds, who also are playing for nothing at this point, though Tottenham knows exactly how tricky this opponent can be. Leeds have not lost in the league since early March and have just three losses over the past 16 contests. West Ham certainly could win this one, and trusting in someone else’s result is a dangerous game, but there is a small safety net here.

If Spurs do go down, however, it has nothing to do with West Ham or Leeds. This season has been unacceptable and unimaginable, and the club has no one to blame but itself. Yes, injuries and officiating and all sorts of factors played a part, but how Tottenham Hotspur Football Club sits 90 minutes away from relegation is beyond belief. From the very top all the way on down, enormous changes are needed. All of that can wait until Monday; survival is all that matters.

Good morning, dear hoddlers. We’ve been waiting for this all week: the final weekend of the Premier League season. It’s also EFL Championship Playoff Final weekend. There’s so much to do, so much to talk about. So today we’re doing a BOGO hoddle - Let’s dive in

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Hoddle of Coffee, Part 1: The EFL Championship Playoff Final

I find it hard to believe there is an avenue in which this game doesn’t get played. Not with the amount of advertising revenue the game will generate.

But that’s what Hull are hoping for. Hull City’s owner said the club is exploring its legal options for automatic promotion to the Premier League after Southampton were expelled from the playoff final for spying on Middlesbrough, Ipswich Town and Oxford United

So now it’s Hull City versus Boro in the final at Wembley Stadium on Saturday. I don’t know what to make of it all, but there probably is going to be a football match.

It’s an odd situation where the biggest storyline isn’t about the players or the money (it’s the richest game in football, haven’t you heard?), but litigation and potentially more penalties for a club that has already been expelled from the final and is due to face a points deduction next season.

On the football side, what I do know is the clubs split the season 1-1, with their last game coming in December. That’s way too much time to think about form or anything else.

I do like Hull’s two attackers in Oli McBurnie and Joel Gelhardt, so they have a little more firepower.

But Boro are also playing with house money, and one wonders how much freedom they’ll be playing with.

Fitzie’s track of the day, part one: The Funeral, by Band of Horses

———

Hoddle of Coffee, Part 2: Matchday 38

With the undercard out of the way, all of my attention will be turned towards Sunday, where Tottenham Hotspur play for their survival in the Premier League.

While Saturday’s match is the most expensive game in club football (haven’t you heard?), Sunday’s fixture carries its own significant financial repercussions that border on existential.

I am already a huge bag of nerves, so maybe Saturday’s game will help distract me.

Either way, this is huge. A point is all Spurs need for survival. I think they showed a lot of fight against Chelsea earlier in the week and, while that game didn’t seal survival, I left feeling confident in their style of play. It actually looked like Tottenham are showing up.

At the risk of using a cliche, Sunday feels like a cup final. And cup finals are one-offs. Form doesn’t matter (home form sure as heck doesn’t matter). Monday’s game doesn’t matter. All that matter is showing up on Sunday and battering the living heck out of Everton to secure survival.

I hope the boys are up for it.

Fitzie’s track of the day, part two: The Final Countdown, by Europe

And now for your links:

Sky Sports: “How Spurs’ hierarchy are trying to transform club regardless of Premier League status”

Jack P-B ($$): “A year on from making history in Bilbao, Tottenham face a game of greater consequence”

Alasdair Gold: “The nine different final day scenarios for Tottenham and Roberto De Zerbi”

BBC: “How Palmer and Foden lost ruthless Tuchel’s battle for number 10 roles”

The Guardian: “Spygate commission accuses Southampton of ‘determined plan from the top down’”

It’s not like we don’t already have plenty of evidence that Tottenham Hotspur are reffed differently to every other team in the league, but here’s another one for your scrapbook — remember that incident where Liam Delap looked straight at Djed Spence and then deliberately smacked him in the face with his arm, which only got him a yellow card for his troubles? Well, it turns out Delap broke Djed Spence’s jaw on that play, but Djed is still expected to start on Sunday in Spurs’ must-get-a-result match against Everton.

Spence will apparently play while wearing a protective mask which I imagine will be like the one Randal Kolo Muani wore earlier in the season.

Like, I know that we don’t need anything else to be mad about after this dumpster fire of a season, but it’s still shocking to me that a) a match official saw this incident and didn’t hand out a red card (obligatory “If Romero did that” statment goes here) and b) the PGMOL hasn’t retroactively looked at this. Like, I’m not a conspiracy guy and this is an extremely fan-brained way to look at things but I am a fan and I’ve watched every match this season and holy shit we have gotten the short end of every single stick other clubs have picked up and hit us with (without getting carded).

It’s like… what else can we do at this point but laugh? Oh, Djed got his jaw broken? Lol…lmao, sure, whatever, add it to the giant Tottenham Grievance Pile™ I guess.

OK, I’m going to preface this story, which has a particularly scary headline, by saying that you should absolutely NOT FREAK OUT. OKAY? STOP IT. ITS FINE. EVERYTHING WILL BE ALL RIGHT.

If you’re connected to social media then you already know that there were rumors floating around the various Spurs ITK accounts and its assorted media aggregators about Kinsky having surgery at the end of the season. The implication was that Kinsky is carrying some sort of injury, much like Guglielmo Vicario before his own surgical procedure, and there was a distinct freak-out from terminally-online Spurs fans.

So there are a few things to unpick here. First, contrary to the earlier reports (which I will not link to) this appears to be a medical issue and not a football-related injury. That’s important. Notably, we have no details as to what this “medical issue” is that requires a “small procedure” but it could be anything, from having a mole removed, maybe a suspicious lump, or perhaps cosmetic follicular depilation to remove… whatever it is he’s sporting on his face at the moment that could only generously be called a “goatee.” The truth is, we don’t know and we may not know. It’s pointless to speculate, so I won’t do so and I’d encourage the rest of you not to either. But it sure doesn’t seem like anything particularly serious.

As to why Kinsky would opt to have the surgery this summer and miss the World Cup… well, it might be something that needs to be done in the short term for whatever reason (again, not speculating). Kinsky is a Czech international footballer who has yet to make his full senior debut for the Czech Republic. While he was listed on Czechia’s preliminary World Cup roster, he was one of seven keepers on that list and the suggestions are he’d be way behind Matej Kovar and Lukas Hornicek. Even if he made the squad it’s highly unlikely he’d see the pitch anyway. I might even suggest that undergoing this procedure signifies that he’s already been told he’s unlikely to make the final squad. A lot of players with no other commitments opt to have medical procedures done immediately following the end of the league season, so this doesn’t strike me as anything to worry over, and this isn’t a decision one makes if there’s any chance that he’s going to make a World Cup squad for a competition that starts in a couple of weeks

So yes, Kinsky’s going to have a medical procedure. No, it probably doesn’t mean anything about Sunday’s league-ending (and relegation-deciding) match against Everton, in which I would assume he starts. Nor is it another spurious knock on Tottenham’s physio and medical team, since it’s not a playing injury. It’s just a thing that players do after a long surgery when they know they don’t have much football to play for a couple of months.

Well, I clearly forgot to do the hoddle today.

This is what I get for staying up last night watching the finale of Survivor 50: In the Hands of the Fans. It wasn’t the best finale of Survivor I’ve seen, but it was a finale.

Anyways I fell asleep after watching it instead of doing the hoddle.

So here we are.

Today was supposed to be about the EFL Champ playoff final. It won’t be. I’ll do a double bill tomorrow on the EFL Championship and Matchday 38. Til then here is your hoddle, sans links, to be used at your whim.

Fitzie’s track of the day: It’s Raining Again, by Supertramp

And now for your links:

no links today because someone forgot to do the hoddle

Welp. It looks like it’s going to the final matchday.

I’m not going to recap yesterday’s loss against Chelsea for you. That’s what Menno is for.

So here’s the deal. Tottenham sit two points above West Ham heading into the final match of the season.

Let me lay out the hoddle’s game plan for the rest of this week:

Wednesday: That’s today

Thursday: Previewing the EFL Championship playoff final: Southampton have been expelled! We’ll get more into this and all the drama tomorrow.

Friday: A look at Matchday 38.

What is so very frustrating about this is now we have to wait until Sunday to learn Spurs’ fate: survival or relegation.

Til then, I feel we’re all just hanging around in this strange unknown space with nowhere to go and nothing to do. What do we do? Watch the Europa League final? (I might watch a little bit). Watch the New York Mets take on the Washington Nationals? (if the weather holds). Watch Survivor 50: In The Hands of the Fans? (yes, but is this before or after the Mets-Nats game?). Watch Taskmaster? (I mean, of course I’m going to watch Taskmaster).

Honestly maybe I’ll just crash here for the next few days. Chill out in the comments sections like I used to do before my pre-hoddler-in-chief days, and defend every single post that dares to speak ill of the one, the only, the legendary Harry Winks.

Because, til Sunday, I don’t know what to do with myself.

Fitzie’s track of the day: Am I A Knife, by Whisper Doll

And now for your links:

Jay Harris ($$): “Tottenham avoiding relegation ‘more important’ than Europa League win – Roberto De Zerbi”

BBC: “The crucial split-second call that could deny Spurs safety”

Alasdair Gold: “Every word Roberto De Zerbi said on what he was told about James Maddison and Van de Ven claim”

The Telegraph: “​Night of north London anguish as Spurs relegation fears go to final day”

Tottenham Hotspur went into today’s match against Chelsea at Stamford Bridge knowing that a point would essentially confirm — if not mathematically — their Premier League survival. But as we know, getting a result at Stamford Bridge is hard in any circumstance. Spurs went down 2-0 to a first half wonder strike from Enzo Fernandez and a second half goal from Andrey Santos. Richarlison gave Spurs fans some hope with a 74’ goal off a backheel assist from Pape Sarr, and things got tetchy afterwards with multiple cards handed out to both sides. But ultimately, the game ended the way it almost always does when Spurs play away at Chelsea — a 2-1 loss that means Spurs’ survival will go down to the final day of the Premier League season.

It felt inevitable, didn’t it? It never seems to matter what the form of either team is going into this game — and while Spurs dominated possession and xG, ultimately it didn’t matter. A loss means that Spurs MUST win their final home match this Sunday against Everton; a draw or a loss opens the door for West Ham to sneak ahead of them with a win at home over Leeds.

Here are my match reactions.

Match Reactions

Final xG: 0.63 - 1.72. I hate this game.

Honestly, a draw would’ve been a very fair result. But as we know, form doesn’t matter. Strength doesn’t matter. Players rested or available doesn’t matter. Nothing matters — Tottenham Hotspur just doesn’t win at Stamford Bridge. Ever. And it SUCKS.

Watching Spurs actually move the ball consistently up the pitch against Chelsea at Stamford Bridge I was struck by how absolutely wild it is how poorly Spurs have been coached to attack this season. It’s just incredible.

I don’t know how much I actually have to say about the first half — Spurs looked nervy after the goal and never really seemed like they regained their composure. Pedro Porro had a bit of a nightmare half, getting caught up pitch and letting Cucurella basically have free reign on that left side, and putting in some hilariously bad passes when he got forward. Tel had a couple of bright moments, but wasn’t helped by Udogie, who was similarly poor. But ultimately, Ball Went Goal™ for Chelsea and that sucks.

That second goal was just incredibly poor, and most of the blame should be directed at Rodrigo Bentancur. Just the easiest possible goal you could possibly give up on one of the weakest counterattacks imaginable and Spurs concede. God.

Richy’s goal was pretty, but equally pretty was the backheel pass from Sarr to get him the ball. Lovely goal! Hope is back on the table!

I guess I can understand why the Cucurella foul on Richarlison wasn’t given as a penalty as the rule is the ball has to be in play, but maaaaaaan that was milliseconds away from being a penalty but instead NOPE. And we were never getting that call on the road at the Bridge.

I can’t understand how Rory Delap didn’t get sent off for throwing his arm into Djed’s face. He was looking right at Djed, too — it was absolutely deliberate. Real shithead play, that.

So much for the party atmosphere on the last day. It was nice to have a little hope after Richarlison’s goal, but ultimately this played out more or less exactly as I feared it would. Spurs now HAVE to beat an Everton team that is not going to be pushed over at the Tottenham Hotspur Stadium in order to secure Premier League football next season. Anything less than that — draw or loss — and we’re reliant on West Ham, and that should scare the crap out of everyone. And with Spurs’ home form… I dunno, y’all. I’m scared.

Tottenham Hotspur are almost, ALMOST safe from relegation. There’s still work to do, though, and this assignment is a tough one: Chelsea at Stamford Bridge, where Spurs have won just once in their last 35 league visits.

It’s a sorry record, but thankfully Spurs don’t need a win: a draw should do, and while a point doesn’t make Spurs mathematically safe, even Dr. Tottenham himself would be unlikely to prescribe West Ham United a 14-0 win on the last day of the season if Spurs were to draw this match and lose their final fixture to Everton.

This Chelsea side aren’t exactly world-beaters, either. Their recent record has been woeful, leading the Blues to make their second managerial change of the season, firing Liam Rosenior and installing Calum McFarlane as interim manager. Unfortunately, it never seems to matter what is going on in the other side of London; this fixture seems to end up a battle regardless.

Can Roberto De Zerbi’s revitalized Spurs side deviate from history and confirm the Lilywhites’ Premier League status for next season?

COYS!

Lineups

Lineups will be posted closer to kick-off.

Live Blog

How to Watch

Chelsea vs. Tottenham Hotspur

Stamford Bridge, London, UK

Tuesday, May 19, 2026

Time: 3:15 p.m. ET, 8:15 p.m. UK

TV: NBCSN, Sky Sports Premier League (UK). Check international listings at livesoccertv.com

Streaming: Peacock

Match thread rules

The match thread rules are the same as always. To any visitors coming here for the first time, welcome! We’re glad you’re here! Wipe your feet, mind the gap, and be sure to check out the other pages at this outstanding site. While you’re here, though, we have a few rules and regulations:

Absolutely no links to illegal streams. They’re bad and they get us in trouble. Violators will be warned or banned.

We have rules against “relentless negativity.” Nobody likes a Negative Nancy. Don’t knee-jerk and post outlandish or hurtful things just because you’re frustrated.

Along those lines, outright abuse of players or match officials is also not allowed. It’s fine to say “wow, that was a really bad call,” but it’s NOT okay to direct copious amounts of abuse in the direction of said official over a call you did not like.

Treat other people in the match thread the way you would want someone else to treat your grandmother. Be nice. This is a community of fans, not an un-moderated message board.

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Have fun, and COYS!